When will it get easier

[NimbleOchreEagle]

My DD is 10 weeks old and I am massively struggling as a mum. I feel like a failure and I want to just give up. I feel terrible even writing that as I love my baby dearly.

My DD sleeps relatively well at night with only one or two wake ups but will not sleep in the day unless on my lap. She is also fussy for most of the day. DD hates being in the car, the pram, the sling, the carrier, the mamaroo, basically anything other than in my arms. DD will cry and cry if put in any of them. DD will not tolerate being held by anyone else and just cries if I’m not there so I don’t feel she can be left with anyone. I feel like a hermit and that I cannot leave the house because she just screams. Ive tried to sit in cafe/restuarants but she is so fussy and even if just fed by a bottle or breast will want to suckle and just makes it so miserable being out. I don’t want my breasts out every time I’m out! We live in the middle of nowhere and I’m away from my friends and family and travelling is essential to get anywhere. I feel trapped on my sofa. I see all these mums out with happy babies and mine is just screaming.

I hate my post baby body which doesn’t help and I want to workout but cant with DD and find myself eating rubbish at home for comfort.

I love her dearly but I’m starting to resent my partner and DD because I’m so unhappy. My partner’s life has barely changed. He can’t help as he works. He also can’t cope with the crying. My partner thinks she has a dairy allergy but I’m not convinced. I think she gets overtired as she will only sleep on my lap and when I can’t offer that the over tiredness escalates. But I’m guessing as who knows!

I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could have a date where magically this will be enjoyable and easier. I guess I just want to know if anyone felt this way and if it did get easier? I feel hopeless right now.

He can’t help as he works. He also can’t cope with the crying.

This is nonsense OP. Of course he can help. When he is back from work, he can take over. Yes, she may cry, yes she may want you, but both she and dad will get used to it and quicker than you may think. Trust me, she won’t scream for you until she starts school each time she is left with dad if you are consistent enough. And he needs to man up and LEARN to cope with the crying. Babies cry, surely he knew that.

Don’t worry about your body. 10 weeks is nothing. Try not to have too much junk food in the house so you aren’t tempted but forget about working out until you have more energy - most mums don’t after just 10 weeks!

Ahhh been there, @NimbleOchreEagle, and it's really tough. I've experienced all the emotions you're describing. The good news is, it DOES pass. You're only ten weeks in, the baby is still tiny and needs you - as exhausting, claustrophobic and anxiety-inducing as that can be.

For my first DD (who is now four) things got easier about five months in when I wound down breastfeeding (out of necessity - I needed to go on meds, I'm not recommending you stop BF unless you want to). DH was then able to do some of the feeds and took a bigger role in looking after her. This naturally resulted in a loosening of the ties!

My second DD is almost one and still SUPER-clingy. I've surrendered to it, but DH had to really step up and I know it's hard for him to look after her sometimes because she's still so dependent on me. However, tough - I need a few hours to myself every now and again.

I think your DP needs to work a bit harder here, and LEARN to "handle it" when she cries!

Are there any support groups you can access online if you can't go out? You could try Gingerbread to see what's available.

Can you contact your Health Visitor and explain how you feel and ask for advice?

You need to lean on your husband more. Can you give him the baby when he gets home and go for a drive and listen to music or watch the sunset or go for a coffee to get a break?

Have you told your partner how you feel

Both my DCs underwent a small transformation at 11 weeks. Life got easier after that. So you may be nearly out of the woods!

I would definitely advise speaking to the health visitor, I was in this place with my second child as he seemed to be so unhappy/grumpy all the time no matter what I did and they were very supportive and helpful. Try and communicate clearly what you need from your partner if you can - you're both in this together and babies can be bloody hard work.

You are not alone and you will get through this. There are good days, bad days, wonderful days, and I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore days. But things will get better. You got this mama, sending hugs x

Thank you all that have responded. It feels lonely over here right now.

My husband is very much in the mindset that working is enough as his job is stressful and he’s the breadwinner. Prior to baby our relationship could be considered traditional. He will cook dinner now etc as I’ll be holding the baby crying but he can’t grasp that i want to cook dinner and he holds her as I’ve held her crying all day! Also if he does hold her, rarely, for me to do something for me there is a time limit - 20 minutes or so. But he is going away for the second 3 day weekend since she’s been born for a social event and that is fine.

I never thought of online classes I will look.

I really hope it gets better soon. 11 weeks would be great!

My husband is adamant it’s a dairy allergy and wants me to cut out all dairy which would eliminate most of the comfort food I enjoy - chocolate ice cream etc.

OP I don't know about the dairy allergy but you need to put your foot down regarding your husband. This is a child he wanted and planned and he's a dad. He doesn't get to come home and sit there with his feet up.

He needs to learn to parent his own child. Hand him the baby when he gets in and do the dinner or get on with whatever you need to do, even lie down. He needs to support you.

@NimbleOchreEagle
"I don’t want my breasts out every time I’m out"

This leapt out at me. Have you practiced "discreet" feeding so nobody notices? It's still a tie- but you can sit in a cafe and chat to friends. That was a godsend for me.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, OP. 10 weeks is still so little. My DS at that age was unputdownable and colicky. I remember him howling through a NCT meetup whilst all the other babies sat serenely and being that mum in the park pushing him screaming in the pram whilst every other child I saw was fast asleep. He was fed, warm and winded - just a complete misery guts. I was stressed, in despair and hated being a mum, I thought my life was over. The good news is that he turned a corner at about 12 weeks - I remember almost fainting in shock when I popped him down on our bed for a bit and he lay there quite happily and looked about! He turned into a very smiley boy and has been fairly easy ever since (threenager tantrums aside!)

Sending solidarity and a handhold - it's awful when you're in the thick of things but it does get better, I promise - I even had another which I vowed I absolutely would not!

Does your little one have any other signs of dairy allergy (bad nappies etc) or is your husband clutching at straws?
He needs to step up - fair enough he might work but you do too, and yours is a 24/7 job. Perhaps you could feed baby and hand her over to him on an evening/weekend til her next feed - he can then have some understanding of how hard it is for you.

Okay, having read your second post, your DP needs to step up here. How he is behaving is not acceptable but you do need to make it very clear to him what you need, what you expect, and what you want. It sounds as if you feel beholden to him in some way - perhaps because he's the main earner? Bollocks. You're a family now and he needs to pull his weight in the home as well.

Agreed. After reading your second post your partner needs to step up a lot more. I'm a SAHM to our two children and my partner works a lot however once he's home from work he will take both kids off me so I can cook dinner and then most nights he will do both their baths and bedtimes while I clean & tidy up so we can both sit down together in the evening. It's so hard when you're both exhausted but if he has an attitude of 'I go to work' then you will end up massively resenting him. Sometimes it can take a bit of time to find the right flow with a new baby but he needs to support you.

Sending hugs and support - an absent parent/partner is truly shite

Honestly OP, you need to just hand over the baby and say "I've held her all day, it's your turn!". Surely your DH will step up if he realises how much you are struggling? Show him this thread if necessary!

You can return to traditional roles if you like when things are easier. Which WILL happen I promise. These first few weeks are HARD. Hang in there OP.

The first 12 weeks were gruelling for me. It definitely got easier after.
If I had another, the things I would do differently would be have more friends visit me at home so I wouldn't need to drag myself out. I think I put too much pressure on myself at the beginning.
I found going to baby specific venues easier too. I went weekly to a breastfeeding support group, not for the bf support, but because it was in a church cafe, so I could get a hot lunch, and the lovely helpers would either cut it up for me, or take my baby so I could eat with two hands.
If you have money, I would also try a different carrier, just in case your baby has a preference. If you're using a soft wrap now, try structured, or vice versa.

Thanks again for all responses. Just an update for anyone who may be in my position in the future and desperately searching when will things get better! Things are better now. DD is 14 weeks and the last 2 weeks have been better.
DD has periods where she is content to be in the carrier, the swing, car seat etc. Some naps she will be put down in the bassinet. Not every day and sometimes not for long but massively improved and I have hope things will get better still.

Good news OP! Fingers crossed things continue to improve.