Ruined Christmas, feel guilty

[Zoe123458]

Just want some advice really. Im 4 months post partum and since October I put immense pressure on myself to make this Christmas perfect. Every year everything is down to me from organising the food the presents, the entire thing. We always host two "Christmas days" too one for my family and one for DH

This year I put even more pressure on myself to make things perfect because it was my little ones first Christmas.

I managed to do it, organise food for two Christmas dinners, wrap presents for 15 people and get the house looking lovely too. On Christmas morning I had a complete meltdown. I don't know where it came from but was opening presents and I just had a panic attack, then a massive meltdown of tears. My other half did not help matters at the time by saying I was being childish. I just needed a few minutes to compose myself but because he muttered some horrible things I just got worse. Managed to get over it however at dinner it happened again. Just cooked a big Christmas dinner then sat there and felt the panic and upset rising again.

It was only my parents that day there but I feel I've ruined their Christmas too and can't seem to stop crying that my babies first Christmas was ruined by me

Does not help that then the next day we had my partner's family who completely trashed the house did not help clear anything up and now I have to do this all by myself too

I've not even had a chance to sit with my baby and play with their new toys Or really look at anything that he got.

It was meant to be about him and I've tried to please everyone else still and I've gone and mucked everything up. Me and partner not on the greatest terms as I've never felt so alone in how I am feeling

Thanks for listening just wondered if anyone had embarrassed themselves like this before and how to cope with the feelings. Xx

What does your DH contribute? Why is everything up to you?

I would get rid of DH and enjoy your first peaceful new years with baby.

It sounds like you put a tremendous amount of pressure on yourself to have everything a certain way in a material sense. Do you know why your idea of “perfect” became about how things look rather than how you feel?

I hope you will take a step back and find some empathy and understanding for yourself. You are a new mom and the past year your mind and body has been through tremendous change.

Agree, you have a DH problem. You don't mention what he does around the house or with baby? Four months post partum you're still exhausted and hormonal. You shouldn't be putting so many demands on yourself. So sorry this happened but take a break, let him do the clearing up, rest and cuddle your little one.

And if your DH contributes nothing either he needs to change this (talking to him, going to counselling etc may help) or you need to get out. You and your baby are worth more than this. You need someone who will support you when the chips are down. Sending love.

I’m sure you didn’t ruin it there can be negative moments without it ruining the whole day that would take quite a lot I think

I think I tried to please everyone else first by making their Christmasses "perfect" for what they like or wanted without thinking of what I actually wanted to feel like, you're right everything has changed so much for me I didn't think about what I might need from Christmas this year. Which was probably a very quiet one in my PJ's focused on baby and relaxing.

People pleasing is probably an ongoing theme for me!! I know now what I don't want next year. But also it's left me questioning my relationship and also how I cope in situations since having my baby. And left me with a lot of tears, never known myself to cry so much it's ridiculous xx

You're 4 months post partum and everyone around you expected you to host and organise Christmas? No wonder you felt panicked and couldn't enjoy the day!

Surely in the circumstances your parents/in laws should have offered to host this year or at least not left it all down to you. Did they suggest this? And your 'D'P sounds useless.

You certainly didn't ruin Christmas, the people around you let you down. Do not feel guilty one bit - you have nothing to feel guilty for.

You didn't ruin anyone's Christmas. You worked very hard and if they didn't do their bit to make it a success it's down to them. You obviously took on too much and really need some time to relax. Get your DH involved in clearing up, do a bit at a time. Go out for a walk somewhere nice. Get DH to take care of the baby while you take care of yourself. Oh, and next year make a point of getting someone else to host or just stay at home as a family. Can be done.

You've got a 4 month old, your hormones are all over the place and your families should have helped you rest and have a relaxed Christmas. I'm not surprised you cried and found it overwhelming. You've not spoilt anyone's Christmas particularly not your babies as they will remember nothing and had no interest in this one anyway . Your husband on the other hand has behaved really badly and not supportive at all. Lower the expectations of yourself and enjoy your baby.

Thank you all so much, you're so kind. I think because he "goes out to work everyday" I'm expected to do the rest. He is good with certain things like if I'm particularly exhausted he will do some night feeds some days. But I have no help at Christmas it's always a case of if I don't do it nothing will get done. And emotionally he struggles with empathy. My mum did help with dinner. She's offered to host dinner next Christmas day, said that we can open presents at mine then go to hers for dinner after and not have a stress. think she realised that it was too much for me. I feel bad for her too that I might have ruined her Christmas but she's being supportive about things. Just hope these feelings of guilt go away soon and I can try to let it go a bit but feels really raw right now! xx

Dont feel guilty, In the end it is one day , so what if things weren't perfect. It's family life, you've welcomed a new baby into the family. It really doesn't matter and if the adults around you think it does then they are immature and self centred. Sounds like a good plan for next year.

Treat this as a learning opportunity, next year plan to not be cooking for anyone plan to enjoy the day with your little one.
I had similar my babies first Xmas. I was meant to be cooking but ended up getting all wound up and needed to go for a lay down. It turned out I had norovirus and the rest of the day/week was ruined.
Thankfully as it was my sons first Xmas he has no recollection of this and had no awareness of Xmas on the day so it didn’t matter. I’ve just prioritised his and my Xmas day ever since!

Your baby won't remember this Christmas, put it behind you and learn that now you are a mum with a young one it's no longer your job to think about everyone else's Christmas. Concentrate on your little circle. Next year have a quiet Christmas at home, no guests. Stay in pj's if you want to. Prep as much of the dinner as you can the day before. Spend the day being in the moment, opening presents slowly one at a time. Taking time to look at each present before moving on to the next. Have a relaxed dinner where if baby wants to get down from the table and play they can and you and partner can carry on eating if you wish. No pressure from anyone. Agree with partner before hand that you will prepare the meal and they will clean up from it. Then you can spend the rest of the day playing with baby then have grown up time with partner once they are in bed and can either watch a movie together or play some games.

You did not ruin anyone's Christmas at all. You just took on too much and so let this be the last year! Your parents should have taken initiative to offer to host. You can see your parents and in laws on days before or after Christmas at their homes.

You haven’t ruined anyone’s Christmas. At least your mum has recognised you need a bit of help now you have a baby even if your husband doesn’t. If the crying continues speak to your health visitor. I had a very unsympathetic DH who thought I should pull myself together but it turned out I had post natal depression, which was thankfully mild . Your baby won’t remember anything so just enjoy your time with them .

I really felt I had to reply to this. You haven’t ruined anything, it sounds like you gave it your all and put an enormous amount of pressure on yourself for it to be perfect. There have been a few threads on here from people saying how much they hate hosting as they get anxious, tired, have to do all the running around, there’s too much pressure etc and then you’ve done all that with a 4 month old which is so hard, I couldn’t have done it! I would have sat there in tears too (and in fact, the minute my family left Boxing Day I burst into tears from tiredness and relief as well!). You need to be MUCH kinder to yourself and go into the New Year thinking about how you can manage this next time so people don’t take advantage of you. It sounds like you gave them a wonderful Christmas but I would treat myself now to some time with the baby, some rest and your partner can step up. (Also your baby won’t remember anything before about the age of 2 / 2.5!).

You didn't embarrass yourself. Your husband embarrassed himself by seeing his wife in distress and not doing anything to help.

I'm also 4mths PP and was responsible for nothing on Christmas day other than showing up. I still found the whole thing draining and emotionally taxing.

Your families should have done far more to help you.

Get off social media for a start if you use it, it doesn’t help. That’s a hell of a lot of pressure to deal with at four months post partum. Scale back and delegate next year, you don’t need to run yourself into the ground.

My daughter's second Christmas was the first one I hosted at our house. I made an elaborate starter and turkey with all the trimmings for us and my parents. Went to pick up my husband and dad from the pub and they kept me waiting. I proceeded to have a massive meltdown and was tearful and tense all over Christmas Dinner which made me feel awful. I think it's just so much pressure it just kind of came to a head. Put it behind you OP and be kind to yourself, the more you want everything to be perfect the harder it is. You worked hard and did your best 🙂

Take the pressure off yourself, your babies first Christmas is just a memory for you. Your baby will only remember the later ones.
Please just set realistic targets for yourself, how can you ever enjoy the moment if you are taking on so much responsibility and pressure.
Keep it simple and just enjoy, your DC will love it more. A perfect Christmas is a happy one.

Your baby is only four months old, it shouldn’t have been your responsibility to host two Christmas days. Your partner and families should have been looking after you.

You didn't embarrass yourself. The new year is coming: challenge yourself to ask for help more - it's a good habit to get into as it stops the notion that one person is responsible for making everyone happy (which I think is at the heart of your post.)

Thank you all so much for your comments. I think you've all provided me such helpful advice and made me realise I need to lower expectations of myself and maybe try to relax a bit more. I've learned a lot of lessons from this Christmas and I know baby won't remember it's just been hard to not feel a bit of a failure. The no empathy thing from hubby is an ongoing thing I think we probably need to have a talk but I don't have the emotional energy for that currently as it will no doubt probably end in another argument. just want to focus on baby now. He's back at work now so I'm going to spend today in my PJ's and go through some of babies new toys and see what he thinks of them all. He's had a lot of visitors been teething and going through a sleep regression too so think we both need a bit of a chill day and try not to keep crying!! Your kindness is so appreciated right now xx

I'm surprised you haven't had a complete mental breakdown! A 4 month old baby and you're organising two Christmas's over 2 days??
Stop hosting Christmas in future and just have the day for yourselves and your little one. Then take little one to visit family on Boxing day. So much nicer and less stressful. It's time to stop putting other people first all the time, it's not going to be fair on your baby if you do because you'll be constantly stressed out. Just concentrate on you and them.

I'm glad to hear that your Mum I'd bring supportive. Poor you, you just wore yourself out before you were able for it. You didn't ruin anything. It sounds like you made a lovely Christmas and I'm sure almost everyone was sympathetic when you cried but didn't really know what to do.

Your husband needs a word though. Your life has changed now with a baby and he needs to grow up too.

My little girl just turned three and this is the first year she has had any concept of Christmas. You really can just take it easy the next couple of years.

Thank you <3 xx