Advice for making friends-lonely mum…

[Lucylou92]

Hi all, Apologies for the very long post! I’m just looking for some advice from other mums out there about making friends and well , life really…because I’m just struggling, feel unhappy and in a bad place really.
I have three very young children and I work for myself, I have pretty much no friends. I have no support except for my dad, who’s great but our relationship is tricky and any help I get I feel terribly guilty for after.

I don’t really go out at all, because of working late or lack of childcare. Childcare would be fine if I wanted to go out alone because my partner would have the kids but then I just don’t have anyone to go out with…
When I do go out I occasionally go for a meal with my partner,but he’s never that keen to organise anything. He seems unhappy lately too, either on his phone or Xbox or snapping at us when he’s home . (I’m questioning if he even wants to spend time with me. last night I mentioned about us arranging a night out and he said, the trouble is we need couples to go out with otherwise it’s just me and you… 😢I said well yes but that’s ok, I just need a night out. Then I said why don’t you invite one of your work friends out with their wife and we can try and meet new people but he said everyone’s boring and wouldn’t want to. (Which is probably true we’ve tried arranging things before with old friends and they just cancel last minute so I think he’s given up)

I just feel so so lonely! I have a social job, I’m a hairdresser but can’t meet anyone through that as I work alone with my customers. I’ve tried meeting some mums at the school or playgroups (and I don’t know if it’s just where I live) but everyone seems so unfriendly or in a rush and never wants to talk to you. I have spoken to a few of them at kids parties and that’s gone well but then the next day at the school I’m lucky if I get a hello when they walk past. A few I’ve actually just asked if they wanted to meet up, we have and it’s been great and then they’ve found out what I do for a job and have just wanted their hair done and have become clients and don’t seem to want to meet up with me in a friend way again, or they simply just haven’t awnsered me again.

I was at a kids party this afternoon and one of my existing customers came in and sat with a group of mums next to me, I looked at her as she walked in to say hello but she just looked through me so I carried on sitting alone watching all the other people I didn’t know chatting away together. And that just really hit me, that someone that I’ve known for 12 years wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I’m sitting alone. It sounds pathetic but I so wish I had people, or just a best friend. I used to have friends but since the children were born they’ve all just faded away and tbh I wouldn’t say I ever clicked with any of them fully, I was just was part of a group back then but it always seemed to be me making the effort.

I’m quite an anxious person which doesn’t help and I find it hard to push myself to talk to people, but I’ve really been trying lately! I think what also really hasn’t helped is I fell out with my mum last year, she said some very hurtful things about me and at this point I think there must be something wrong with me, I keep replaying all the things she said over in my head and I just feel so bad about myself. People don’t seem to stick around in my life and I just don’t know why. I don’t know if I do something wrong but I think I must do.
I love my kids to bits! but it’s hard work and just having some other people in my life would help so much, because right now they’re all I have. I don’t even feel that connected to my partner anymore. My dread is that one day my kids will turn to me and ask why I don’t have any friends, or why I don’t do anything. I don’t want them to think that’s normal. I want them to find relationships easier than I have.
Anyway sorry for the rant, any advice on how I can meet people or basically how to make this better is appreciated x

How old are your kids? If they’re at school during the day could you join a club/new hobby? That’s what I’m thinking of doing. I have no friends either as I’ve moved to a new area.

You could try the app Peanut to meet other mums in your area.
I used it when I had DD but I was quite nervous about going anywhere and anxious as a first time mum so never met anyone.
I have moved recently so I might download it again as I don't have many friends.

It's very tough trying to make new friends as you get older especially when you have kids.

This is probably quite a wanker-y thing to say, but I'd advise you to find something you're genuinely interested in, and the friendships might then (hopefully) happen organically, but make the focus your interest.

Join a gym/start a bookgroup/do an evening class. It doesn't matter what it is, but make sure it's something genuine for you.
Good luck x

Hi, they are 5,4 and 20 months. My daughter has just started school and my 4 year old is at nursery. Youngest is with me or partner when I work at the mo. So I either have a child/children with me or I’m working. That’s a good idea though, maybe I can get out more when the youngest starts nursery

Hi, thank you for replying, I did join the peanut app about a month ago actually as I thought that would be a good start. I’ve sent a message to quite a few people and not had much response but I will keep trying on there 😊

Most of my friend are as a result of hobbies or volunteering over the years.

They've enabled me to meet people who I have things in common with.

Hello,
Found this thread whilst I was looking for something along the lines of "bored in my 40s".
It is really difficult to meet new people when you have children, especially someone who is on your wavelength.
My children are both at secondary school and I do have a good circle of friends but I find that the older they get the less they want to go out. They've all become a bit settled. My best friend is usually up for going out as much as possible and generally we're into the same things but when it comes to music we have quite different tastes.
I find that if she is available I really struggle to find other people who want to go out although they're quite happy to come to my house. Nice enough but sometimes you need a change of scenery don't you?
What are your interests? Are you able to arrange a regular meeting with other mums from school/preschool? It can mean you always end up talking about the children though.

I actually set up a Facebook event saying we're looking for more new friends locally and setting a date to meet in the local pub. No one responded! Surely I can't be the only person in my area looking for new friends. 🤣 we'll turn up on the day anyway and see if anyone approaches.
Let me know if you come up with anything!

I do agree, it is harder to make friends as you get older. I moved school a bit due to parents, so i went a few years without a friendship circles, its hard. I met my current friend circle through my partner and there wives. it just happens that i click with a few of them.

There must be alot of people feeling the same as i see many threads like this on here.
We are social creatures, but i think due to covid and ppl being burnt from past friendship groups, peole decide to keep themselves to themselves in this strange world.

I feel so much for you. Could you try a non denominational church ? With guitar music, they have tons of social events , including for kids

If you are interested, I can tell you which one ( not exact location ) but under which umbrella my one is. They befriended me when I least even expected and when I go to the church no one forces me to talk about God. It is quite interesting really , there is always cake and coffee at the end or before, many social meals, ladies groups.

What about your neighbours? We have a thriving social scene in our road. We have become firm friends with a couple of families here. This is reflected up and down the road with people with children of similar ages tending to gravitate towards each other. We also have ladies' nights out and the chaps also organise nights out/trips to the pub to watch sports matches. Do you have a local neighbourhood watch or similar? Perhaps invite your immediate neighbours over for drinks/coffee or a barbecue and take it from there? Perhaps host a Macmillan Coffee Morning or similar? Start a walking group?