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In-laws moving in

6 replies

1996muvva · 23/10/2023 20:14

My husband and I are from very different cultures (he is Tanzanian while I am English) and expecting our first baby, due Jan 13th.

In his culture, it is normal (and expected!) for parents to move in for a month when a new baby is born, to “help out” with cooking/cleaning/laundry etc.

While I adore his parents, we live in a tiny two bedroom house, so the thought of having anyone move in for a long period is really overwhelming to me. While my MIL would likely be a great help, my FIL spends most of his time watching TV and doesn’t even take his dirty plates to the kitchen sink. I fear I will say something I’ll regret. (In a pathetic addition to this, I also don’t like my MIL’s cooking, so I’m not sure how much help that would be 😖). I plan on breastfeeding so I want to be comfortable with roaming around my house in my adult nappy, with my boobs out etc.

I have made it clear to my husband that I can only cope with having them stay for 2-3 weeks, and I have requested they wait until the very end of March/ early April, when I am nearing the end of the ‘fourth trimester’. He cannot understand why this is, and seems to think him and I will be going through the same ‘experience’ when the baby is born.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 20:23


Don't exclude them, they're the baby's grandparents and loving grandparents are a wonderful thing. But absolutely fine to explain that it's not a thing in your culture at all and you would feel claustrophobic.

readingmakesmehappy · 23/10/2023 20:26

Your culture is as valid as his, and in your culture this isn't a thing.

My MIL is a good cook and my PIL super helpful, and there's no way I could have coped with them staying for a month.

You'll want to use your other bedroom perhaps for one of you to have a better night's sleep occasionally.

ExplodingSmittens · 13/11/2023 17:41

It's absolutely fine to say no. This isn't something that usually happens in our culture as others have said.

FloofCloud · 13/11/2023 17:49

Fu k that! Half an hour is more than enough for anyone to be around when you've just had a baby! Just say you're wanting bonding time and time to establish Bf and wouldn't feel comfortable

UsingChangeofName · 13/11/2023 18:10

Of course YANBU.

Your culture, and your expectations are just as valid as his.

I wouldn't be having them stay for 2 -3 weeks either.

After giving birth, then your comfort is the most important.
If people moving in to your home, isn't going to be a helpful thing for you then it doesn't happen.
I would say it is kind of them to offer, but it won't be helpful to me so no thank you.

Malariahilaria · 13/11/2023 18:32

Good lord. MN is just full of posts of women not being able to just say 'thanks for the suggestion, but that really doesn't work for me, so no'. Do we need assertiveness training for all girls in school perhaps?

OP just tell your husband 'no', you'll be feeling vulnerable, exposed and exhausted and want to spend time bonding with your new child, not hosting. They say they'll help, but really guests always create work no matter how lovely they are.

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