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Relationship advice

12 replies

Emma988 · 30/12/2022 21:51

My 15 year relationship is over I've known this for a long time he's so nasty to me constantly puts me down he doesn't show any emotion to me what so ever and i cant even remember the last time he told me he loves me, theres no converstion and the atmosphere between us is terrible I'm sick of feeling like this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and if I don't it's a whole new level of atmosphere I can't continue my life like this I've felt like this for a long time. We've 3 children together I don't know what I can do

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Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2022 21:53

What's your housing situation? Rented, owned? In who's name?

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Emma988 · 30/12/2022 21:56

Hi its owned and still in my name we never changed it though he has helped towards the mortgage (I moved in before i met him)

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Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2022 22:17

I'd be inclined to remove him and let him see his solicitor about what he paid towards the mortgage.

Be sure to find proof of his earnings before he moves out. So he cant weedle out of full child support. Keep it somewhere safe.

If you think he wont go without trouble, you could ask for a few days break and change the locks when he is out.

But don't be slow to ca the police if he kicks off.

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Emma988 · 30/12/2022 22:25

I know I'll be fine on my own with the children I just hate the thought of breaking our home up like this. He shows no emotional support to me and to be honest that's all I've ever wanted from him, I've so much going on in my life with family members and he just doesn't seem to care. I know he needs to go but I just can't seem to find the nerve to tell him it's over

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Emma988 · 31/12/2022 00:00

How do I tell him I'm done

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Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2022 01:45

It's best for the kids too because you don't want to raise them thinking this relationship is normal. Or they'll grow up and end up in similar toxic relationships.

I'd be inclined to tell him it's over because you dont want to be in the relationship anymore. Don't be drawn into why. Just make statements like 'I don't want to be with you anymore'.

If hè gives it some shit like 'don't you want to work on it? What about the kids?' then you say 'No. You had enough chances to work on it. I'm done'. Any follow up from him, then reply 'it's over. I don't want to be with you anymore'. Repeat repeat repeat.

Don't give him any whys he can use to manipulate you. He will try to goad you.

You don't owe him any explanations. You don't owe him more chances. You don't need his permission or agreement to end the relationship.

'I don't want to be with you anymore' is a perfectly acceptable reason to split up.

Besides, he absolutely knows WHY. He'll just pretend otherwise. Don't get sucked in. Easier said than done of course.

But remember this- being brought up in a home seeing their mother abused is not a healthy home for the kids. So Don let him break you with the 'you're tearing our family up' troupe. Leaving him is PROTECTING you family.

People who abuse you are not your family.

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Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2022 01:49

You could attempt the 'this clearly isn't working for US' approach first. Make it seem that leaving is a mutual choice. His sort dont like to be dumped.

But if it doesn't work then you have to be straight to the point and no nonsense. 'This isn't working anymore. It's over'.

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Emma988 · 31/12/2022 11:54

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me I appreciate every word and agree with everything you said
I'm know I'm ready

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Stardust1976 · 28/08/2023 16:13

Hi there mums,
Im really pissed off and I’d like to hear if you believe I’m in the wrong for something… hubby and I have been married for 16 years.. we’ve gone through many (many many) ups and downs but have always stuck through. The other day hubby had my phone and found that I’ve been “checking out guys” on Facebook. I legitimately have not been checking out guys, but I mean Facebook tracks your every move and sometimes I’ll click on a guys profile that I knew from as far back as elementary school. Legit nothing fishy, I just see things like they got married, had kids, posted pictures, whatever. It’s literally just mindless scrolling and me being nosey of others lives ( isn’t that the definition of Facebook?). He legitimately lost it on me, says I’ve done this before and he doesn’t trust me, he’s absolutely pissed, hasn’t spoken to me since he blew up on me. I apologized for the way I made him feel and tried to explain it was literally innocent, no intention to harm or hurt him. I never tried to talk to anyone, pursue anything..am I crazy that I think he’s insane and insecure and deflecting that on me? Like doesn’t everybody do mindless scrolling and come across things they’re curious about? I have no idea how to even talk to him because he doesn’t want to hear any of my excuses. Please help me! I’m so frustrated. I honestly believe I’m a great partner and put my 100% into my family but he makes me feel otherwise. Ugh

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SnowySpa · 30/08/2023 17:38

I'm so sorry Stardust, after sixteen years together too! If he doesn't trust you by now I don't know what will convince him. Has he always been this possessive? He's acting very immature if he won't even talk to you. You can offer to go through the Facebook history with him and explain where you know these people from, pointing out you never messaged them or tried to start a relationship (there are plenty of sites for people looking to date or get together with someone and it is not Facebook!). You can try to tell him how hurt you are that he would accuse you of being unfaithful. But if he is not willing to listen, there is not much you can do. Getting the silent treatment would be crushing to me, I hope by now he's come around. Don't know if he is the type to try couples counseling but it sounds like that might be the best way to learn to communicate better and show him when he's being unreasonable.

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Stardust1976 · 01/09/2023 17:51

Thanks snowy! Honestly he hasn’t even come around yet. It’s been over a week with almost not a word spoken to me. I feel he’s been completely unreasonable. I offered to him that we can exchange phones and go through each other’s because honestly I’m certain I will find something on his phone worse than anything I’ve done. It’s sad. He just said a big fuck you to me and that’s it. He says he’s still wondering who these guys are. He’s incredibly insecure and when he has something in his mind he believes it to be true, there’s no changing it. That’s why I have kept quiet myself this week, there’s no point in trying to reason with someone who won’t believe me no matter what I say. It’s infuriating. I feel like an animal with all the boundaries when I’m literally not even doing anything. I wish he would do counselling but we tried it once and he realized how wrong he was in that certain instance and refuses to go back because the coucelor was siding with me. Ugh

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SnowySpa · 02/09/2023 13:00

I'm so sorry Stardust, that's awful. Honestly to me it sounds like he's trying to invent a reason to be cross with you. Like he wants to get out of the relationship and is trying to be so horrible that you'll be the one to end it. That's a wild guess, but he should have more trust in you after being with you for sixteen years, something is not adding up. I mean, you haven't DONE anything! Has he always been against you having friends of the opposite sex, or is this something new? I don't know what you should do in this situation, but I can say that you don't deserve how he's treating you. If it's not some kind of power move on his part, he might need some kind of medication for extreme paranoia or other mental issues. If your relationship with him has always been this way, it might be time for a separation while he figures out his priorities. I hope you can find a way through this.