Dealing with difficult MIL

[newdad1989]

Expectant father here (First baby due January)

Wife's mum has been fairly vocal about not wanting to be involved in our baby's life. She's come out saying "don't call me grandma", "don't expect me to look after the baby", jokes about feeding the baby meat/dairy (we are raising the baby vegan) - and it's all getting a bit much for me.
My wife brushes it off and says that's just how it is with her mum, but it makes me feel sad that potentially this baby won't be able to build a relationship with the grandmother.

Any advice here?

Well it could be worse - far worse! MIL might be one of those that tries to take over completely, demanding sleepovers when they are barely out of the womb, crying hysterically on the phone because they've not seen the baby for a full 24 hours!

The 'jokes' about feeding meat/dairy are a bit off, but until the baby arrives you have no idea what kind of relationship MIL might have with the baby, and if she proves to be an indifferent uninterested kind of GM then why would you want your child to have a relationship with her anyway?

Good relationship with GPs are great, but children survive without them.

Why are you making your poor baby vegan? Thats the real issue here!!

Because we are vegan...
why would that be an issue 🙄

@newdad1989 surely, and I'm not nutritionalist, but from a nutritional point of view, that's a massive issue?

No nutritionalist*

A toddler died in America being forced to be a vegan.

The issue here isn't your mother in law.

I'm assuming baby can have milk to products since that's all they'll have for 6 months?
I know a vegan who has given up trying to keep their baby even vegetarian now he's 18 months. Kids loves sausage rolls and ham sandwiches.

Wow can you really raise a baby vegan in a healthy way? I assume you would allow human milk?!? What if breastfeeding doesn’t work, are there vegan formula options?

on the grandma to be I would wait and see what actually happens

@newdad1989 Your child needs more protein and calcium than you. It might be OK for you to be vegan but why deprive your child of what it needs. At least let it make the decision for itself.

In the kindest way possible, I think you should grow up and get over it.

Nobody owes you or your children anything. If she’s not interested, she’s not interested.

She might be vaguely interested, but have no interest in providing childcare etc.

The fact that it doesn’t bother your wife, but it’s getting too much for you, implies you need thicker skin.

As for raising a baby as a vegan, you’ll get a lot of eye rolling so get used to it

You can't make her have a relationship with your baby. She'll pretty much have to cease contact with you to do that though, if she's serious. Maybe she just feels weird at being a grandmother.

Re food - you're a long way off weaning, fight that battle when you come to it. It's hard work raising a child vegan and best to have a slightly flexible approach (my eldest is 5, her vegan classmate still has birthday cake etc). It much harder to find food out and about and ensure they have enough protein, amino acid, b vits etc. I used to be veggie, one of my kids won't eat beans or anything in a sauce, I'm not veggie any more as I can't face eating that way!

If mil is rude, sort it out. Otherwise don't stress, it'll come out in the wash.

That child died from a severely restricted diet not from being vegan.

I must say, it seems like a terrible idea to raise your child vegan from birth, this deprives them of the vitamins and minerals to make them healthy and strong and without these your child would be weak and could possibly die, I think it would be entirely better to ease your child into the lifestyle of veganism rather than rushing it onto them.

Not if the baby is breastfed. I would have an issue if it wasn't because non dairy milks are used as a last resort if a baby is unable to have breastmilk or formula made from cow's milk.

She probably is just trying to communicate that she doesn’t want to be your default childcare. Also children need a lot of calcium and protein be careful about a vegan diet for babies/toddlers, consider a vegetarian diet if you feel very strongly.

Honestly think you are overthinking it, she didn’t say doesn’t want a relationship with your child she said she doesn’t want to babysit. The number of people on mumsnet who think that grandparents must babysit or they won’t have a relationship with their grandchildren is astounding to me. The level of dependence displayed by people who are old enough to reproduce is amazing.

Count yourself lucky that you haven't got an overbearing interfering mother in law. Plenty of threads on here about those .

She’s not obliged to provide childcare. Lack of childcare shouldn’t prevent your baby having a relationship with its grandma (or whatever she ends up choosing to be called): if it does, that’s in you.

Most first-time grandparents I know resisted being called grandma/grandpa too before the actual baby was born. Then the kid ends up calling them whatever they choose to.

In conclusion, don’t raise your baby vegan.

I wouldn’t worry, it sounds like she’s worried she’ll be used as free childcare and is attempting to set some boundaries. I doubt it means she doesn’t want a relationship with her GC.

As for raising the baby vegan, I think it’ll be a sensible idea to go in with some flexibility on this. I’m not vegan but my 14 month old has become very fussy with food and its hard enough to get him to eat a full range of food as it is. Also, you don’t your kid to be that one who can’t have a slice of pizza or an ice cream with their mates. My friend raises her child vegan-ish which seems to be a good balance.

You can't make a grandparent be interested - its sad but its their loss largely, focus on the adults who are interested in building relationships.

Criticism about how you raise a baby - standard practice. Women tend to experience this more but basically the world and their OH will feel entitled to share their opinions on everything.

I'm a life long vegetarian who happens to eat mostly vegan and raised my children the same way. They are all now healthy adults. I had complete randoms telling me how i was destroying my children.

However what I would also say alongside ignoring randoms is do your homework on infant weaning and diets as fully vegan is a step harder than vegetarian with small children.

They go through picky stages, you don't yet know their general health disposition etc. Be a bit flexible at those stages if you need to be and never make a drama of food. Mostly what they learn from us is is by example so even if you went lacto/ovo with them for a while, over time they will learn from you (although I was always very clear that they made their own choices as they grew older - no drama).

Sensible answer from @C8H10N4O2. Don't make veganism a hill to die on.

Any advice?

My wife brushes it off and says that's just how it is with her mum

Take your wifes.

Prior to meeting me my mil had always told dh she never wanted to be a dgm. True to her word when dc arrived she dumped us all.
No obligation to be a dgm but surely being a dm that will damage her relationship with your dw...?

Vegan diets should be for adults, not growing children, especially not babies or girls going through puberty. I learned this the hard way when our 11 yr DD was a vegan for 4 years. Massively messed up her growth and nutrition. It was her doctor who had to point this out. She's much healthier now and chooses to eat responsibly raised meat.

Your MIL sounds immature.

I would not allow a baby to be vegan dreadful idea, babies need lots of nutrients and calories, calcium ect, a vegetarian possibility with advice from a doctor, but please don't raise your baby as a vegan it's so dangerous. X

It is perfectly possible to raise children on a vegetarian diet without advice from a doctor as long as you know what you are doing, and providing nutrients from all food groups.

I'm sure it is possible to do this on a vegan diet but is needs a lot more thought. I can only see this working with extended breast feeding because most plant milks are not recommended for infants and small children. The main issue is vitamin B12 which is not available naturally on a plant diet. Then if you get into fussy eating territory or allergies it narrows the options even further.

It doesn't mean you have to give in and feed your children meat or a junk diet, but you need to be flexible.