So lonely and feeling unlikeable

[Mo2020]

I feel so disliked and lonely and quite frankly desperate for mates.

We had a wedding booked abroad with 50 guests. Then covid hit and we had to postpone with two months notice. Changing the venue and getting married in the UK was not an option as we would have lost around 6 grand. It was horrendous seeing if people's holidays were refunded. It was postponed again in 2021 until 2023 to allow us time to try for a baby. My best friend also decided to postpone her wedding from 2022 to 2023.

Since then I have had numerous guests drop out due to financial and personal reasons. Although this is understandable and nobody's fault I've also had three 'friends' suddenlt fall out with me leaving me and it felt like they found it easier to do this than pull out of attending the wedding. It has left us with only half the guests going and a wedding that is catering for/cost much more than necessary.

This month has been an absolute nightmare trying to organise 2 hen dos and 2 stag dos and 2 weddings alongside my partners shifts and getting childcare. Although our wedding has been planned for 3 years I still very much feel like it is an inconvenience to people particularly my best friend who is planning her own. There has been some tit for tat talk about how we expect them to go abroad for our wedding so we should go abroad for their hen and stag dos. When my bf said he couldn't go on a 5 day stag do abroad for best friends partner, but that he would meet then half way through, her partner decided he wouldn't go to my bfs stag do as it was already costing him so much to come abroad.

I desperately want to be excited for my wedding but all I can do is feel sad about the people who are no longer going and worry about anyone else dropping out. Our wedding is expensive and hardly worth it for the small amount of people now going. If I'd have known the amount going we'd have chosen a much different venue and something low key. Very few people seem excited about it and it makes me feel awful and like I don't matter. I feel like I desperately need and want people to go but it shouldn't be like that, it should be an honour to be invited.

To top it all these 'friends' who have fallen out with me this year are going to be on my best friend's hen do and I feel very much alone. I should be so excited for everything and instead I feel so unwanted and unliked.

It almost seems like this wedding is showing who really cares and yes those people are the people that matter - but I seem to have barely anyone left. It's just making me feel really unlikeable and down.

Well sounds like your friends were worth more than 6 grand?

There are always lots of threads on AIBU about weddings abroad. Generally guests hate them as expensive and inconvenient.

I'm sorry your supposed friends have ditched you. That is really unkind of them. Is it worth reaching out to one of them for coffee to get some idea of what has happened?

Weddings abroad are always a nightmare without the added stress and postponements covid has brought. Then there’s the cost of living crisis we’re in too. It’s probably not you, just the wedding.

One 'friend' cut me out when I remained in contact with her ex who also happens to be one of my good mates - a better mate than herself. Another friend couldn't even commit to a walk together and we had a discussion about this and then she decided we were better off not as friends. Another mate was my bridesmaid, we lent her some money 2 years ago and she had slowly been drifting. I knew she couldn't afford to come but she randomly texted me saying she found our friendship too intense and couldn't continue it.

It has all just come at once and made me feel really shit although I don't think it's really about me. The whole thing has been a massive wakeup call to who I can really rely on and trust. Who will just be honest with you. I want yo just move on and be excited regardless but all I feel is shame, embarrassment and anxiety.

A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your marriage, not a vastly expensive photo opportunity, that creates endless logistical challenges and stress.

Sorry but expecting your friends to spend money they may not have just to see you on a beach in a dress, is unreasonable. They have other priorities for their money.

Get married on a beach by all means, but don't be surprised that it is just the two of you plus two witnesses from the hotel.

A wedding abroad is a big ask in the first place. I probably wouldn't go to a wedding abroad to be honest. You could try and look at it the other way - although covid and trying for a baby has inconvenienced people at least some of them still like you enough to come to your wedding!

Ah, that sounds hard and sad, I’m sorry.

I feel sad for you, but to be honest, I really feel for your guests too, what a nightmare having that trip, refund/not refund, holiday/not holiday being hovered over them for years. I’d prob just pack it in too :( life has moved on, people are having babies, buying houses, changing jobs.

id be tempted to change the venue to a low key uk registry office, a restaurant dinner out and go to your destination as a honeymoon. Anyone still keen to travel, take the opportunity at the same time to have a holiday.

it can be salvaged, just scale it back

A wedding abroad is a lot to ask of people. A wedding abroad that people committed to over 3 years ago, but are still being pressured to attend is unreasonable. Everyone's lives have changed so much since before the pandemic.

You can read it in your posts how much pressure you have been putting on people, because you don't want to loose out any money or compromise on the wedding you planned. I would assume that is why you are losing friends.

As suggested above you could have had a simple ceremony at home and then had the abroad wedding as a honeymoon. Or go ahead as planned, but accept that some people will change their minds and accept it with grace.

It does all sound very stressful for you, but it's also stressful for your guests and that seems to have passed you by.

Sorry but if you think inviting people to your wedding is an ‘honour’ I assume you are making lots of unreasonable requests of people in terms of your expectations for your wedding. For most people your wedding is going to be one of many they attend and just a nice day out, it’s not as much of a big deal as it will be to you and certainly not a big event they should be ‘honoured’ to attend. That line aloe makes you sound like a bridezilla. Weddings abroad are a pain in the arse, most people aren’t going to want to spend the required money or take annual leave to go to someone else’s holiday destination unless it is a very close family member or friend. I think if you’ve still got 25 guests going to a wedding abroad that’s already been rearranged twice you’re doing well to be honest.

It's very entitled that you see it as an honour to be invited to.a wedding abroad tbh, not a strain on finances and annual leave. You've got some people going and the wedding you want. That's plenty.

The first 2 friends sound like they had legitimate reasons to cease contact. I'm not sure about the third but doesn't sound like she had the money to attend anyway.

Weddings abroad are a big ask of your guests. Especially ones which have been postponed.

I think the part about 'tit for tat' and your fiancé not going to an abroad stag and then you not understanding why the other stag is now refusing to attend his is a good summary of how out of touch you appear to be.

Why should people spend money on your wedding if you're not prepared to spend the same on theirs? Weddings shouldn't put people out. People are broke atm as it is.