Adult daughter problems!

[Ducks123]

Hi,
I just need to let off steam and get support. My 24 year old DD separated from her partner during lockdown (she has anger management problems) as he just couldn't take anymore and she moved out and back to the area. Couldn't come home as there's no room now as we moved house since then. Anyway, roll on 8+ months later and she's living in a house my DH is guarantor. Can't manage money (despite regular advice and setting budgets /having talks etc. In debt every month and spent 4k of her grandmothers money nothing to show for it.
What's worse is that now she expects us to be her social life which we have managed to keep at a minimum as her anger issues mean we are often screamed and ranted at, and tells us she's NEVER had anything from us (despite her having ALL of her £1500 wage to herself when she lived at home before moving in with the ex for 2 plus years), and Im often told I'm not a good mother and she has lots of 'surrogate mothers' who have bought her sob story. She's even put big posts on line pleading homelessness and the fact no one has helped her despite the fact WE found this lovely house, grandma paid the bond etc for it and WE have kept her in shopping and provided dog care for her lockdown puppy. Its been very embarrassing as family members who live away from us have seen them and must wonder what the hell is going on.
Spending time with her is hard because she is laughing, excited and not caring one minute, then crying and depressed the next. She's having counselling and she works a job although she has had to take a pay cut as she lost her old job through ringing in sick on mondays.
I have felt continuously anxious and upset for months and months- I have insomnia and worry all day everyday but Im not prepared to give her money when I KNOW she isn't managing it and mine will get squandered too. I would prefer to give it to her later when she has got herself in order. She often talks about very expensive cars she's 'going to buy', makes appointments for consultations for cosmetic procedures she cant afford (so consultation money is wasted instead of paying for over due bills and debt, and likes to treat herself to takeaways and extra petrol for her car along with buying fancy presents for other people and their kids.
I appreciate she is lonely at times, and living alone for the 1st time but she is IMPOSSIBLE to live with as she tries to control everyone and is always kicking off. Just wondered what you guys would do in my situation? I constantly feel a sense of defeat and guilt. I feel like Im heading towards a nervous breakdown.

Is she computer literate, could own fo you if you are too sit down and create a bills spreadsheet for her? Money in and fixed expenses. Then a section for spending money / gifts. I think we are all guilty of the "oh its payday" spending frenzy, before realising just how little we have to live on.

It could be the pressure of the finances, being alone and the justified judgement from you that affects her mood, or there maybe something else going on? Maybe she should approach the doctor for something for her anxiety and it may help everything become calmer. I would also consider this for yourself too ?

Your DD is an adult and she does have to learn the hard way, but some practical help on money management if not from you then maybe one of the charities that does it might help her.

Sorry a bit garbled at the start, I was wrestling the baby to sleep not literally

My older sister was like this - exactly like this and she made life hard for everyone- inc 2 husbands - she would not take responsibility for her actions and my parents always bailed her out. She was angry out of nowhere. She had counselling- tbh she has finally calmed down and is nice to be around now she is in her 50’s!! She nearly drove my parents into an early grave. The thing that worked- was actually Prozac. I’m not kidding. For your own sake you need to issue an ultimate and stick to it.Easy to say. I know.💐

Yes can completely relate to all. She IS an adult baby although living alone for the first time. We have created a spreadsheet for finances every month. Im between a rock and a hard place! Damned if I do and damned if I don't x prozac maybe needed

She's 24 not 18 and sounds very immature (I'm 26 so been that age not long ago!) IMO she needs to be left to her own devices a bit more.
It's difficult but I hope you're not supporting her financially?

I think she needs to learn the hard way she won't be getting handouts or being mollycoddled and if she chooses to spend her money on takeaways and beauty consultations rather than pay her bills no one will be making up the shortfall and she will be facing the consequences herself. She has had plenty of chances with you helping her budget by the sounds of it and you need to put your foot down and make it very clear that from now on there is no more financial aid. If she keeps getting bailed out she will never learn.
She could potentially also benefit with a visit to the GP but I'm guessing she won't take lightly to the suggestion.

Oh and also I would completely blank out the attention seeking Facebook sob posts out of your mind, she'll carry on regardless. If other people choose to step in and lend her money or help out they will soon learn the reality.

You are too enmeshed. She is an adult. Her finances aren’t your problem, although I appreciate it’s a bit complicated if your DH is the guarantor for her rent.

Detach, detach, detach.

"Don't snatch away from your children the benefit of the learning that comes from facing their own mistakes ".