Desperate for a baby yet OH says not yet

[BelindaDuke]

Hi all,
I’m new so don’t really know where to post this I’m just really looking for some help.
I am 22 my partner is 27 and we live in a nice flat and have ok jobs that are flexible and pay fine. We’ve been together 2 years living together for over a year.
I am desperate to have a baby, it’s all I can think about 24/7 I’ll spend hours looking it up talking to my friend that have children. I’m literally obsessed.
He however says he doesn’t want them yet, he’s great with children and babies as most of our friends have them, but every time I ask him why he doesn’t want them yet he says “I don’t know” which I find so frustrating.
Idk what to do it is making me feel worthless and very sad that he’s preventing me from something I really really want. I don’t want it to become an issue between us and I feel like my nagging will put him off the idea all together!

Pls help x

Has he agreed to have children before you moved in?

Are you planning on getting married soon?

If the answer to both of these is no, I'd ask him when he does want children and if he still can't decide I'd think about leaving.

My DP never decided he wanted to have our DS. he simply agreed to stop using protection because in his words 'it just needs to happen and I'll be fine with it'. As it was I fell pregnant on the second cycle after we stopped using contraception and he was fine. DS is 11 months old and he's agreeing to baby #2 but not yet which is fair as we've just moved into a new place and finances are a little up in the air.

Instead of asking your partner when you can have a baby ask him if he'd be willing to not try but not prevent and see where you end up.

PS. DP and I have been together almost 6 years. It took me 4 years to convince him babies aren't the end of the world 😂

Surely if you're not preventing then you ARE trying?

It has to be a joint decision between you both, you can't make him be ready

Why are you "desperate" for a baby?
Why is him not wanting kids yet making you feel worthless?

It kinda sounds like you have limited self esteem and are looking to have a kid to fill a gap for you. That won't end well... you're really quite young, and tbh two years isn't that long to be with a partner before bringing a kid into the mix. Maybe try to focus on having more in your own life first, before giving up your freedom to a baby? He's probably not ready to give up that freedom - there's nothing wrong with that, and it's not anything to do with you! He's just not ready yet, and you've got loads of time to have a family - don't make it the be all and end all now!

2 years isn’t that long to have been together, especially when you’re only 22. I can see why he’d want to wait, you’ve got loads of time.
Can you talk through a timescale with him? Eg, does he see himself being ready to have children in the next 5 years? Are you planning on getting married and if so, when?

Thanks for the advice guys.

4 years is impressive to keep convincing 😂

I realise 2 years it not very long, perhaps I am pushing it a little to fast, I’m not sure why it just feels like something I really want.
We are planning on getting married, we are just differing on weddings atm, I have a very small family (that I’m very close with) yet he has a huge family (who he only sees at events usually) so don’t see a need for a huge wedding like he’s dreaming of, financially I don’t see a point.

I don’t feel like I have low self esteem, I do quite a lot with and without him and am confident in myself. So I’m not sure why I’m getting these feelings of desperation, which makes it even more confusing!

We’re both sensible and logical so we can talk through times scales and feelings and how it’s affecting us no problem, but for some reason he still says he “doesn’t know” what’s stopping him. Is he just purely scared? (Rightfully so it’s a huge change I know) he had said it would just be easier if it happened by accident so he didn’t have to decide......

Thanks xx

I fell pregnant whilst on the pill, had been with my DP 10 years and we had discussed wanting children one day but right st this time in our lives we weren’t ready. We had other priorities. We were both shocked when I became pregnant and although scared having an abortion wasn’t an option for either of us. We now have an 8 week old DD who is so beatiful and perfect but my partner has really struggled. He loves her and she means the world to him but it’s such a big Change he finding it really hard to adjust to a lifestyle that’s so unselfish and centres around this tiny human. What I’m getting at is falling pregnant accidentally isn’t easier it means the decision is taken away from you yes but it comes with it’s own problems.
I wouldn’t change it neither would he because she’s amazing but it’s very very hard. We have a very strong relationship and it’s testing us because it’s so difficult best that in mind x

So what's the plan?

Which of you is giving up work? Or are you both going part time? Or how are you covering cost of childcare on 2 'fine wages'?

If you are giving up work or reducing hours? What protection do you have against giving up financial independence, if you arent married?

Whose name is the flat in? Is it rented or mortgaged? And can you afford it alone? If it's in his name, can you afford to get somewhere else, if you arent married and have to leave the property?

You are only 22. You have loads of time, you haven't been together that long. It sounds like you just want a baby, but dont really think about everything around that.

You’re 22 and you’ve only been together 2 years, seriously there’s no rush.

he had said it would just be easier if it happened by accident so he didn’t have to decide.

That's a recipe for disaster. He might decide. He might decide he doesnt want this and up and leave. Sometimes it works out. But most of the time, it doesnt.

I agree 2 years is quite short. Iv been with hubby 6years before we had ours. I have friend who have been pregnant within very short periods and it can work but actually a lot of people it doesnt.

This first year of parenthood is very straining on a relationship. No sleep equals grumpy mum, dad feels left out, not much sex, barely time for romance, change of your identity a bit. Honestly its been testing and very close to breaking point once.

Id see the next few years as laying the foundations for a strong relationship. The better for your child.

Not only that but you could put away specific baby savings so that when you go on maternity its more fun and less of a struggle.

Theres a lot of pros.

Having a baby is absolutely the most magical thing in the world. It will be well worth the wait

Don't do it. I had a baby at 21 with my partner of 3 years, who I had known for over a decade. Having a baby completely changed him, abuse started out of nowhere and now I am a single mum to a 2.5 yo. Honestly enjoy being young and free with no responsibilities, you can plan for babies later, and take my advice get married first, I didn't and have been absolutely shafted financially and in terms of my career.

At 22 on your current wages can you afford to stop work for maternity leave, pay for childcare if you need to return to work and the cost of a child? I can't think of anyone of my friends or my siblings' friends who had a planned child at 22 (there were a couple of surprises but no intentionally conceived babies). Why are you so desperate to have a dc now, do you think, at such a young age and so early in your relationship? Do you have friends who've had babies and therefore having a child at 22 seems like a sensible idea? I'm not saying it'd be a terrible thing to have a baby at your age but just that you have lots of time so why rush. Do you own your home (not essential, but saving a deposit with a dc is hard as I know from personal experience)? Do you have savings?

I think you should wait a little longer. As others say you're young and have only been together 2 years. My partner was like yours. He said in theory he wanted kids in the future but not yet. I'm older than him and was getting stressed. We almost split up about it. For him, turning 30 had a big impact. I think he finally felt "grown up" and was ready to start trying. I got pregnant first attempt and now we have 2 children.

Make sure he does want them in the future (and pin this down a bit - when he’s 30 or 35 or whatever) before you marry him, as doesn’t sound like you’d be happy if he eventually says no to ever doing it. FWIW I would enjoy a few more years of youth - but then I had ds2 almost 20 years older than you, so 22 seems so young!

You're not much more than a child yourself. How long ago did you leave school - 4 years ago? There's no hurry to start having babies. You've got another 15 fertile years ahead of you.

Have you read the thread on here yesterday where people are talking about the worst problems with having children? If not, have a look

You should be enjoying these years OP. Having fun, travelling, saving to buy a house, maybe even getting married?

he had said it would just be easier if it happened by accident so he didn’t have to decide.

That way he can blame you for getting pregnant, if he changes his mind or decides to leave the relationship. Stop rushing into this, OP.

Hold off for just this year and reassess in a years time.

Go on dates , enjoy spending all day in bed , enjoy spending your money on yourselves, book a holiday , get your body healthy ( this is great ready to have a baby )

Time goes quickly and the year will fly by !

You need to put your relationship ahead of yourself on this occasion. You can't force someone to have children who isn't ready, and 2 years really isn't that long to have been together.

I'm 23, been with OH for almost 6 years, 32 weeks pregnant. Although the baby was planned, and we are super excited, it's also terrifying!

Please don't rush into it if you're not both 100% ready!

At 22, not married, having been together two years?

I'll be honest. The chances that this is the guy, that the two of you will stay together your whole lives and get married and raise a family, is fairly miniscule. Most people who have babies at 22 with men they haven't been with all that long end up splitting, and not infrequently end up tied for life to men who they would be much better never seeing again, men who cause them and their children huge amounts of stress and upset.

Give it time. Enjoy your freedom. Work hard, build up savings and get yourself a career worth going back to when you have a child.

Thanks again for the advice,

Money and living wise I am very fortunate that I have a job that can accommodate if we were to break up or anything to happen. The flat is mine and I also have enough saved to upgrade when/if our family were to grow. I realise matleave and having a child will affect my job to a degree, but as I say, I have money saved should that also happen.

I also love the idea of traveling with my child, I was lucky enough to do this all through my childhood with my mum and it was my fondest memories and really shaped how I view life.

I really do see that I’m young, this is the whole point of me posting this I should have mentioned I have PCOS which I think scares me as I’m worried if I keep waiting that it might never happen then I’ll alway regret it.

I know he said “an accident would be easier” but I would never want that to happen for those reasons you have mentioned. I want us to be a team when it does happen and something we both want.

I worry that he won’t ever be ready, although he tells me he wants them one day. How do you know when your ready? Will he suddenly just get the urge like I have?

X

I worry that he won’t ever be ready, although he tells me he wants them one day. How do you know when your ready? Will he suddenly just get the urge like I have?

Mine realised when I said we should both run a bar for a few years and enthusiastically stressed how we could work the long hours and be together if we weren't having children now. My DH is on the lazy side and likes peace and quiet. Living above a bar would be his worst nightmare.

That’s brilliant 😂

What contraception are you using? When you are ready you can just say you are not taking responsibility and then it's up to him. Honestly I wouldn't do that yet. It takes a long time to really know someone and what kind of person they are. Give yourself a chance to do other things. Travel, get some money in the bank. Set a date in the future to think about it again and try not to go on about it meanwhile.

I think a lot of people realise that you can’t actually be ready for babies. It’s such an enormous thing to go through. There isn’t a day when people wake up and think ok now is the time. You might be pretty prepared mentally, financially and emotionally but I’m not sure that a lot of people genuinely ever feel ready.