Confused emotions about starting a family

[CariahMarey]

Hi all,

My partner and I are getting hitched next summer and have been in talks about trying for a baby after. I know it's a long time away still, so plenty of thinking time, but it's so confusing for the following reasons:

A. I've never been a 'child' person, or even a 'baby' person.
B. He has 2 children (4&8yrs) who I really try to avoid because I can't connect with them.
C. I'm pathalogically terrified of childbirth.
D. I've been preggers twice before (terminated) and was gravely sick both times - literally in a&e on a drip from dehydration.
E. Financial worries about how I could afford time off work/child care etc.

But, despite all this. My body started talking to me two years ago when I turned 30 and met my partner. And now my body is positively screaming at me to get pregnant! It's like I have an inner war going on in my brain, every day.

Oh, I forgot to mention too... I read an article about childbirth at work last week and fainted at my desk and paramedics had to come out to my office! (cringe!!)

Please tell me this is all a normal part of the process!

Muchos thankyous

Hi,

Whose to say what's normal? However fainting over an article about pregnancy is quite an extreme reaction...

Do you think you should talk to a professional about your fears before you decide whether to have children or not?

The fact that you have little to do with your step children when they are so young would be a worry for me too if I were your partner. Is that linked to your fears too do you think?

It's a difficult thing to decide when your mind says one thing and your body another so I wish you all the luck in the world.

A reply! Hi.

It's all a confused mess I'm afraid, if only I knew.

I've learned about the 'Cinderella syndrome' about not being able to deal with step children - your deepest evolutionary mission to proliferate your genes and not waste your energy supporting another person's gene spreading. I think this might be something to do with why I don't connect with my partner's children. In our early days I did try, I really did but I couldn't do it.

But saying that all that, I have never been able to connect with any children or babies. For example, a colleague was visited by their sister who brought in her new born and I froze like a rabbit in the headlights. Also, I have friends with children who just about tolerate because it's the polite thing to do. But I'd much rather they were not there.

Although, everyone tells me "it'll be different when it's your own".. but will it? It's quite the risk to take. But, like I said in my original post, my body is screaming at me to get pregnant, it's an absolute urge that has been playing on my mind at an ever increasing intensity.

I guess a quick backstory is warranted: there is a history of sexual abuse in my family, and I spent nearly my entire 20s working as a sex worker. I am now fully adjusted in the real world and like to think I don't suffer any trauma/issues from the past. But we are all a little broken right?

It makes me super sad to think I could never get the chance to create life with my partner. That sadness is stronger than my fears, issues and trepidation.

I hope I don't get too harshly judged :-/ I'm simply a confused woman in her productive prime with a loving partner wondering whether she should take the next natural step, or whether to succumb to my fears and never realise my potential as a mother.

No one should judge you, walk a mile in your shoes and all that.

What I will say is 2 things:

1. Not having children is a legitimate and valid choice.

1. I have wanted children all my life, I connected instantly with friends and families children and love spending time with them and now I have 2 myself. It is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done mentally speaking. My whole self image has changed and to an extent who I am has been lost, it's a massive struggle. BUT that is just my experience and despite that I wouldn't change my life at all. They are amazing and I'm immensely (and possibly quite vainly) so proud of myself for creating them.

What I would consider if I were you is that you will have to adjust how you interact with your step children, otherwise if you have your own there will be a bigger than normal discrepancy in how they are treated which could lead to cracks in your relationship with your partner.

"What I would consider if I were you is that you will have to adjust how you interact with your step children, otherwise if you have your own there will be a bigger than normal discrepancy in how they are treated which could lead to cracks in your relationship with your partner."

• Very good point. It's defo something I need to work on. I hate that I can't be normal around his children. :-(

Thanks

Don't hate it, don't be self critical- it sounds like your early years were horrendous.

You do need to identify the feelings you have about his children though. You might be one of those people that just don't like other people's children - unfortunately with these ones you'll have to pretend...