Step children and a husband who doesn’t care about me

[Scattycat1]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He has a child and he was away from their mother when she discovered she was pregnant and that was fourteen years ago. He went back and tried to make it work but it lasted a year. Fast forward to now and she does everything to make difficult. She won’t do drop off or pick up I have to do that. When she gets bored she hires a lawyer and upsets contact as she gets legal aid and now we are paying double our last mortgage and moved to a bigger house so contact can be overnight. She sends her dirty and last time came with head lice although her mum knew but didn’t tell us. Hate the situation and his ex for all the things she does. By the way daughter is now 15. I have a daughter in her 20s who works and has her own place and I never had such a hard time wiTh her. What do I do leave?

[AimlesslyPurposeful]

As DSD is 15 you won’t have to put up with her mother for much longer. My DSS is 18 now and since he was 15 or 16 DP has made arrangements with him directly and had no contact at all with his ex wife other than the odd text now and again.

You’re almost at that point so why does it feel too much to cope with now? Your header said your husband hates you but you don’t say in your post what he has done or said to make you think that?

[Scattycat1]

Hi she is very controlling and has a son from a previous relationship who doesn’t see his dad and she threw him out at sixteen. My husband we don’t seem to talk anymore or do anything fun. It’s all get his daughter at the weekend and work is twelve hours a day during the week and no time for us. We sit and watch tv in silence and that’s the highlight

[AnneLovesGilbert]

At 15 she's more than capable of washing herself and her clothes, and sorting out nits, it's not her Mum's job to make sure she's clean. At that age, her Mum can't stop contact anyway, if your stepdaughter wants to have a relationship with her father it's between the two of them.

Why isn't your husband doing drop off and pick up? It's not your job. Could she use public transport?

Legal aid is only granted in case of domestic violence afaik, so that's interesting. But as above, a parent can't stop a 15 year old having contact against the teenager's will so I don't think her hiring lawyers or going to court is really relevant.

If you're unhappy in your marriage then of course you can leave. It depends what you think the main issues are. If you're not communicating anymore or enjoying spending time together, the issues aren't all about your stepdaughter.

[AimlesslyPurposeful]

Does your DSD spend every weekend with you? Does she actually want to be there? It’s just that quite a few teenagers would probably enjoy the occasional weekend in their main home or out with their friends/sleepovers with friends.

Do you think she might be open to spending one weekend a month with her DM? Do you think that’s something your DH would be happy with if his DD would like to do that?

It sounds like your relationship with your husband needs a bit of tlc.
You’re in a rut!

Have you asked him if he’s happy plodding along as you are or does he feel things need a change? Does he know how unhappy you are and that you’re considering ending the marriage?

Not sure how you could make work nights more exciting as you’re probably both tired but could you have a midweek cinema trip - if you’re sitting in front of the tv then you could sit in a cinema.
A weekly date night at a local restaurant or bar so that you have the opportunity to talk to each other?
A nice meal at home once a week that you cook together and eat at the table without the tv on?
Something that you can do regularly that helps you reconnect - A joint interest that you can enjoy together and gets you both off the sofa?

Why do pick ups and drop offs fall to you? What would happen if you couldn’t do them? Can DSD get the train or bus to your house?

You also say her DM threw her son out at 16. Are you concerned that she’ll do the same to your DSD?

[HollowTalk]

Is this the way you want to live, OP? Can you imagine a happier life? What would it look like?

[Scattycat1]

Thank you for your messages legal aid is given in circumstances in Scotland where it is for things like contact as she doesn’t work and never has. My step daughter comes once a fortnight and is sent by her mum whether she wants to or not. SD doesn’t care about her appearance and not the first time hasn’t showered when she has been here. My husband isn’t able To drop off and pick up as he has a slight condition and SD isn’t allowed to travel to us or us me her from bus or train although her mum allows it for her friends. My marriage is all about contact and when we are going to get the next lawyers letter wanting to ChanGe things. I just want a normal life without everyone else running it for me

[Scattycat1]

If I don’t pick up then she makes it difficult through lawyers letters again or calls cms to say we have had a change in circumstances. When we were on honeymoon she did that

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Well how would your husband arrange to see his daughter if you broke up? It's not your job. It sounds like at the moment you get next to nothing from your marriage or your husband so I'd dial right back on making any effort for him, his child or his ex. Any issues over contact ate between them. She has two parents, you're a bonus adult if/as/when you wish. If all you're getting from the ex is hassle then block her number and tell DH you won't be involved anymore and it's his stuff to handle.

You do have options OP. If your relationship was happy and fun and loving and mutually supportive etc then I'd say suck it up for the next couple of years as she'll be an adult soon, you won't need to have any contact with her mother and you might get your life back. But you sound miserable and you're not getting anything from your husband so why are you letting his relationships with his kid and his ex ruin your life?

[AimlesslyPurposeful]

Agree with PP - Leave your husband to deal with the chauffeuring! What if you broke your leg or had an op and couldn’t drive for 12 weeks?

Could you arrange to stay with a friend or relative for some of her weekend visits? That way you can do as you please all weekend and your DH will have to sort out the travel.

Or you could try having a trial separation and see if you really are happier away from him. It might also mean your DH realises he should have appreciated your help with his DD more.

[Scattycat1]

Thank you for your messages I am going to take your advice and when the next visit is due I am going to stay with a friend. He can sort out the travel. The next sTep is to see whether the marriage is worth saving