I have been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage children. My husband is obsessed with religion and meeting his own needs. He has constantly told me for years on and off that I do nothing, he does everything, I’m a miserable cunt, I don’t do my wife duties, he’s not here to do my work etc etc etc. I have always worked to facilitate our children and him eg nights, 12 hour shifts, only week days etc. When the children were young and I did nights he used to give me a hard time when I got up from a few hours sleep about how hard it was for him “to keep the children quiet” etc so I came off nights, then it was 12 hour shifts and his problem was “what to make for dinner” so I’d leave him notes specifically telling him what to make, then it was having to look after the children at weekends because that was his “only time off”, then during the week days I’d receive irrate phone calls about dinner or that he couldn’t deal with whatever ‘crisis’ had happened at home etc. He has always had an obsession with religion (inflicted from his mother and wider family circle), goes to church every day, reads his prayer book, watches live web cams of church services, prayers with children twice daily and yet his behavior is the exact opposite of a Christian person. I’m not that way inclined, yes I go to church on a Sunday but that’s it! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I told him roughly 6 months ago I didn’t love him anymore, that he made me miserable and that I wanted him to leave, he wouldn’t leave and said that I needed him and his place was with me. So he decided he’d live in the loft part of garage which I said was ridiculous. He continued to clear space for himself out there and I told him he couldn’t do that as it was totally inappropriate for the children, mad and how would I explain that to them, so he has been sleeping in the spare room ever since. 2 days ago I was coming downstairs carrying a heavy bag and cups etc, slipped on one of the stairs and he stood at the bottom watching me. I got up and carried on to the bottom and said I can’t believe you didn’t help me when you could see I was struggling, he said “I’m not here to do your work”. Shortly afterwards he asked me if I wanted tea or coffee, I said coffee, he made me tea!! So I said I asked you for coffee, he replied “I don’t give a fuck what you said I made you tea” so I walked over and threw it down the sink. Today he wanted me to show interest in something he was doing so I replied “why should I, when you showed no empathy towards me the other day?”, he said “your a miserable cunt and you’ve had a head on you for years.......”
Then it was all picture no sound for the rest of the day and he takes himself off to bed without saying anything. He rarely acknowledges he’s wrong or how hurtful he is to me or the children and life with him is a roller coaster, he can be so nice (at times) and then you ask him to do something and he’ll ‘F’ and blind about it, throw stuff in temper while he’s doing it and so I don’t ask him to do anything, I do everything myself including DIY because I don’t need the aggro. He’s just totally wrapped in his own world and his needs.
I have asked him several times over the past number of years to leave and he says it’s his house and he’s going nowhere. I can’t afford to rent another place. I could move in with my parents in the morning but I don’t want the upheaval for my children and I love my home. My teenage daughter is constantly telling me to leave him as she both experiences his wrath and witnesses how he treats me verbally.
I always put my children before myself and always have but to him they are nothing, I am nothing but a thorn in his side, preventing him from doing his own thing (which he does on a daily basis and dare you try and stop him). But I know from past experiences with him if he lost us he'd bend over backwards to make amends.
In hindsight I probably should never have agreed to marry him all those years ago but then I wouldn’t have my beautiful babies. I used to love him and at times I sometimes still do BUT the majority of time me and the children are miserable. I know it’s a stupid question and people will say “why are you still with him?” Blah blah blah but it’s not as simple as that.
I was bullied in my workplace for 2 years and ended up resigning last year to work elsewhere as it had affected my health so badly. My GP referred me to CBT where I was able to discuss what had happened to me in work but inevitably I ended up talking about my marriage. She told me that she felt he was a narcissist and that I should get all my ducks in a row and find somewhere else to live with the children. This frightened me somewhat and I went straight home to google what a narcissist was. Yes he has certain traits but not all of them so I really don’t know. The CBT ended several months ago so now I just talk to my family and close friends about things.
So....What do I do?