MIL comes to see baby behind my back

[Priya2018]

Hi all, this thing is bothering me for quite a while and wanted to check with you all if I'm being paranoid. My mother in law lives 5 mins drive away from us. After I moved in with my husband (then partner), I realised she likes to pop in once every other day without notice. And when she does, she makes sure she will touch and move everything without asking. I didn't think much about it but recently i've had a baby. Its my first born and for some reason, now my mil always tends to visit us when I'm away. I stay at home to look after LO most of the time but even if I pop out for half an hour, I come back to find MIL in the house playing with the baby. Interestingly when LO was born, she didn't visit us for days even though we had invited her. Then on the 4th day I had popped out to the supermarket to get some air. When I returned I found MIL was there in the house to see LO. Its my first baby and I kind of felt a bit bad but didn't say anything. Since then its been 6 months and every weekend my MiL some how always manages to visit husband and baby when I'm away. To make matters worse, my MIL is a bit careless wrt hygiene. She walks on LOs play mat wearing her shoes, touches LO without washing her hands, uses floor rag/mop to wipe dishes etc. Thats makes me even more paranoid i guess. My husband is no help, he thinks his mum is the nicest person in the world and fails to understand why im having issues. Anyone else had similar issues? Or am I just being crazy?

Have you had any disagreements with her I the past? Sounds like she is avoiding you.

Are you particularly fussy around the baby and how other people are holding/feeding them? You may have inadvertently made her feel uncomfortable and perhaps she feels less so without you there?

I'm wondering how she knows you're out. Does your DH call her to tell her or does she call all the time on the off-chance?

Actually I was thinking the same, your dh must be calling her to let her know you have gone out. Therefore she has probably spoken to him about whatever the issue is.

Perhaps you could ask him? Phrasing it how you are worried that you have upset his Mum somehow as she seems to be avoiding you.

Or just take the baby with you when you go out but that would be a bit childish I suppose.

It doesn't seem odd to me, she is simply visiting her son and grandchild, it would only be like if your mother visited and spent a bit of time with you and the baby while dh popped out...

If you want to.spend time with her too then just say to her something like hi mil, it's lovely to see you, I wish I had known you were coming so I could have got home sooner to spend time with you,

But don't read too much into it, mil is dh mother, reverse it, would you like it if dh said he didn't want your mum visiting you and the baby while he was out?...

Let mil visit her grandchild and dh,

It seems a bit odd that she visits while you're out. Maybe she senses that you don't like her, don't approve of her, whatever. It must be a bit sad for your DH, who loves you both.

If it really is hygiene issues that are your problem, speak to her, kindly and diplomatically. She wants to have a relationship with her dgc - and she may be very useful to you in the future!

Thanks you lot, this is my first post and I already feel like I'm talking with a bunch of friends.
I cannot be sure but I think my MIL knows I like to go out for a couple of hours every weekend and calls DH to find out when. Its good you asked because now I am thinking if I don't tell DH in advance about my plans, MiL will not know lol

Now that you are asking, I also remember that when I first met her years back, I was struck by how negative she was towards women in general, and DH's elder brother's wife (my sister in law SIL?) in particular. She has no sisters /daughters etc and would often say she is glad she has no female in her life etc. She had already fallen out with my SIL and they were not on speaking terms. All my poor SIL had done to irritate her was to sit on the sofa between MIL and DH's brother when they were talking! My MIL (and my DH sided with my MIL back then) immediately saw that as jealous behavior, called her rude and since that day made it a point to criticise SIL on everything. She is according to MIL a bad wife and mum. I found SIL very reasonable and so when we got married I asked DH to visit my MIL for a few hours at least once a week 'without me'. I thought that will reassure her that I'm not taking her son away. Whenever she would visit us, at however unreasonable hour, i would offer her for tea etc to make her feel welcome. That kept me in her good books until now I guess. Now with LO with us, DH still goes to spend time with her and I think she wants the LO in there as well, but without me ????
After LO was born, I did ask her if she would like to spend some time with LO every week. She didn't seem interested so I can only assume that's because she doesn't want me there.
So you see her visits are not a problem, but her trying everything to make sure its when I'm not there is what's bugging me. Its been 6 months (24 weeks or 48 visits at least) and except once or twice, all visit have been when I'm away or supposed to be.

If my parents try anything like that, I would ask them not to and I know they will stop. But then I have always been very frank with my parents whereas I can see DH always puts MIL's feelings before common sense.
Also DH acknowledges that when they were kids, MiL used to hate her own MIL and never leave them alone with her.

Whilst I have been very careful about saying anything ever to make her feel bad (may be DH did later), she is not that kind to me. I joke about this often but i tell her how great she is looking and she replies by saying how badly dressed i am lol

after LO was born, she popped in one day and everything was sparkling except a table I had forgotten to dust which she decided to point out. I didn't mind and soon forgot about it. However a few days later SiL said something about the state of her house and dogs (MiL smokes inside the house and her dogs poop inside as well), and my MIL and DH were saying what a nasty person she is lol
I guess in future, I can try not to tell DH about my plans in advance and or may be go out when MIL is out walking her dogs. Or should I try to chat with her directly over this? I fear that might make things worse.

I would let them crack on she sounds a nightmare. I wouldn't want to be around her but I would ask dp to make sure she washes her hands if she has had a smoke and takes her shoes off. Hide the mop if you think she would wash the dishes with it.

Following your update OP, I'd say this woman has issues around jealousy and control about her sons - very concerning if this transfers to include your child - imagine if she decides to apply this unhealthy damaging dynamic behaviour onto your relationship with your child? This needs sorting with BOUNDARIES ASAP, so that this lady doesn't try and separate you from your child or drive you away from them. She is not exhibiting normal healthy values or behaviour and it's worrying that you are very vulnerable because your husband thinks that this is ok and sides with her

Coming from a differant angle. Seems such a coincidence. Your DH ia calling her to let her know you are out. Could he feel a little nervous having baby alone and want the company if it is every time you go out?

If DH had taken care of the hygiene issues then I probably this wouldn't have bothered me that much. Common sense does not work when it comes to his mum. E.g., DH is very health conscious, has a strong view against smoking but ignores if MIL smokes in front of baby.
I can certainly do other things like hiding all the mops, baby bottles, cutlery and even the dishwashing liquid etc before going away lol
DH likes a good chat, and both of us are very open. So even if a friend calls, we tell them everything. I dont think he calls MIL to tell her that I away, just mentions that like everything else.
I am thinking about what sistersofmercy101 said though, and do fear MILs negative opinion about women transferring to my son when he is older. Reason being when I met DH 12 years back, I had to spend some time convincing him not all woman are scheming bitches like his mum said. Its sad but my MILs poor opinion about women extends even to her 2 year old granddaughter (my SIL's daughter) whom she calls a fxxking cxxt as she cries when she sees her.
Having said that, after reading your replies, i can think a bit clearly now. I agree at the moment the issue is mostly around hygiene and if that's resolved I'll be less worried about leaving baby alone. So I'll have to figure out ways to do that without relying on DH.

Thank you for listening and helping :-)

"ts sad but my MILs poor opinion about women extends even to her 2 year old granddaughter (my SIL's daughter) whom she calls a fxxking cxxt as she cries when she sees her. "

That is horrendous OP.

Keep her away from your baby.

Your H sounds like an arsehole as well tbh.

Like many posters you don’t just have a MIL problem you have a dh problem as he should be talking to her about your concerns but he won’t because he’s more concerned about upsetting his mum than about upsetting you . Personally I’d not be leaving the baby at home with him , if necessary organise a couple of hours childcare during the week to do what you want to do alone . I’d also be telling dh that he either tells his mum what the issues are or you will regardless of the consequences .

This is an issue.
Your DH must be letting her know when you're out, surely?
She wants to play happily families with him and the baby, and block you out.
When you go out, take the baby.

This phrase has been used on MN LOTS before op and I mean this nicely , “ you don’t have a mil problem - you have a dh problem” he is clearly not supporting you. His mummy/ women issues need properly addressing. He should be having your back and not meeting mil in secrets - he is phoning her- it’s obvious. This issue needs to be addressed for your long term health.

She calls her granddaughter a fucking cunt?! Are you for real?

Fuck that. When you go out, take the baby with you. Start laying the law down. For gods sake it's your child, not hers. Don't put up with this.

I can't understand why you are not more angry OP? Your MiL is bullying and controlling, your DH has done nothing to support you and the two of them have this awful co-dependant relationship out of which an innocent child gets called something I can't even repeat it's so bad.

Why does your DH allow this woman to smoke in front of his baby? You sound like you've done everything in your power to get on with this woman, but in your shoes I wouldn't want her anywhere near my baby.

I agree that she is trying to block me out.
I did think about taking the baby out but we live outside london and have to drive. LO hates sitting in the car. Will definitely do so when he is a bit older /cooler.
I agree DH has made the problem worse but MIL has always been the jealous type. If i buy a cake for DH on his birthday, she will ensure that for the next 5 years she bakes the cake herself for him instead. I don't like to get into such petty issues so keep on ignoring.

With my parents, if I don't like anything, I simply tell them. When my mum visited and forgot to change LOs nappy, i simply asked her to be careful and that was the end of it. Not sure why DH cannot. May be because she is widow, her elder son has moved 60 miles away with his family to avoid her and now she has no one else.
To be honest MIL has a generous side sometimes, like helps with DIY etc, and but the hygiene issues and now the idea that she is trying to block me out are a problem. Since SIL has moved away with her family, my brother in law visits her once a month with the kids alone. Perhaps she likes this arrangement of not ever having to accept another female in her family and is now subconsciously trying to do the same to me.
I spoke about the hygiene and health & safety issues with DH this morning, and he says he has spoken to MIL about it since. Lets see what happens next time she visits. Perhaps now MIL will try to avoid me even more lol