Parent of Trans Teenager

[leontheprofessional]

I am new here so please bare with me my name is Leo I am a father of 2 and my son just came out as transgender he is 13 and I am trying to get my head around this and also want to reach out to other parents for advice - my wife and I are very upset and taken by this my wife is in tears

Leo

I have a teenager who, after a lot of years, is slowly coming out of identifying as trans.

I took the route of being completely supportive. Allowing a name change, change of look, change of pronoun, but was strongly against hormones, blockers etc. My child understood this as we went over all of the negative implications of going down a medical route early on. There are also a lot of detransitioners on YouTube who are amazing.

The best thing I ever did was get my child a private therapist who is the same sex as my child and who is gay. I cannot tell you what a difference this person has made to my family.

I would absolutely support my child having hormones and surgery if they were an adult but I found that being supportive of reversible decisions helped my child understand I'm not against them being transgender, only the irriversable things being offered.

It's a long and scary path and there's no rule book here, you just have to wing it and hope for the best.

it's certainly not easy.

@Buzzlightyearsbumchin

A therapist sounds like a sensible suggestion, do you have any recommendations or know how I would seek out a therapist as we are new to all of this

Thank you

Leo

hope this helps

I would avoid asking Mermaids or GIRES for advice. They are very much in favour it irreversible medical treatments. There is a super website of parents in a similar situation, and I believe it has a private talk forum: 4th Wave now. I will link.

here it is: a parents' community

There are many parents who have found different ways to be supportive and loving while at the same time helping the child to be happy in their own body.

Transgender trend are good. There’s also a parents of LGBT board on here. A lot of parents of trans also lurk/post on the FWR board.

Also if you are on Twitter, follow gender critical dad who is a bloke who has been dealing with similar issues. @lilylilymaynard is a mum with a similar story. I think both their children desisted with lots of love and support, and are now very happy.

All the best there. You aren't alone. 💐

As someone who spent two years on a drug now being used as “puberty blockers” as an adult, I would strongly advise against them - they have irreparably damaged by health in the decade since.

I would definitely suggest therapy, and the website Transgender Trend. There is a line to tread between support and confirmation - many teenagers desist, so I would be sure not to do anything irreversible.

I meant to say: please be aware that schools have had quite a lot of training that might see them engaging in approaches which they may not tell you about and of which you may not approve. Can you download the Transgender Trend school pack for your child's school, to help them? It's all about 'watch and wait'.

I say 'all about' - that's just a colloquialism. It's very helpful on 'watch and wait' which is recommended by the Tavistock Clinical. It's not 'all about' that - sorry I minimalised it.

I'd be trying to have lots of conversations with them about what they mean by being 'trans'.
If it's about how they want to dress and present, I'd support them, but always calming holding the line of 'you can't become a girl/female as that's biologically not possible, and I'm not going to lie to you. But others will.'

I'd hold the line on no medical treatment until they are an adult.

So basically be supportive of any gender non conformity, but resisting the idea that this makes you the opposite sex.

Give them time, let them explore 'identities', without them boxing themselves into something they feel they can't later get out of.

Read Lily Maynard's blog about her daughter.

Best of luck, hope yuo and them get through it OK.

Try Transgender Trend for neutral properly researched advice, and Gender Critical Dad's blog where he writes about his own and his child's experiences. A lot of parents in your position find 4th Wave Now supportive and informative.

Avoid Mermaids - I've heard things about them that would make your hair curl.

Don't despair. Nothing is fixed in stone. If you follow the NHS advice of "wait and see", with no medical treatment, 80% of children with gender issues will grow out of it. Once medical treatment has started it's a lot harder for kids to change their minds.

If you do seek medical advice, go to several doctors/ specialists. This is a very new area, and most people have different approaches. Better to not be in an echo chamber. Surgery is not the only solution.

I have been thinking about starting up a support group for parents with trans kids, as there is very little support for us out there