Pressure to be thin

[Yellowtulip8]

Hello everyone! I am new to this sight and wanted to reach out for help with fighting the pressure to be thin and trying to love myself. I come from a family where weight was closely monitored and the expectation was to be thin. I ended up with an eating disorder and was hospitalized at age 12. I am 45 and my body has changed. I am heavy. I feel like I am a disgusting failure. The obsession haunts me. I want to be happy with who I am. Does anybody relate? Does anybody have some helpful advice? Thanks so much!

From personal experience I don't think that there is any quick thinking solution to learning to love yourself. I've personally had issues with food and my weight in the past. It wasn't until I was happy within myself and content that my weight became stable and my whole thought process changed towards food. Personally for me I think I was using food as a copying mechanism, as I felt I was in control.
I found that when I concentrated on myself and focused on my own mental health I begin to see things more clearly. I know it sounds crazy but there is so much pressure on everyone these days to feel that they have to look a certain way, speak a certain way and behave in a certain way that I feel we almost lose ourselves. It's not until you yourself decide what you want in life that you will start to feel happy. Can I ask a little more with regards to why you had pressure to be a certain weight?

@Mebeingme, thank you for your helpful response. My father is the source of the pressure in my family. My mother and I had to stay thin (very thin according to his expectations) or we were made fun of and for me, I was scolded and told how bad I looked. One time my father told me that I would lose my husband and nobody would hire me for a job. My nickname when I was a little girl was "fat-legs." My mother and I were always on some sort of diet. It goes on and on.

Do you mind me asking if you still have contact with your father? I only ask because this may contribute to you still feeling the need to be "thin". I lost 5 stone and even at 7 stone I wasn't happy within myself. It wasn't until I dealt with why I was unhappy with myself that I learnt to like myself. The difference you feel as a person is amazing once you have learnt that it's ok to be you. Do you have any goals set? (I.e weight loss or therapy)

@MebeingMe, I still have contact with my father. I live in the next town over. As a family, we have progressed just a bit. He is not allowed to talk to me about my weight. He still makes very hurtful comments about other people and that tells me that he still feels disgusted by people he feels are not thin enough. That's an indirect message to me, but at least it is not directed at me. My goal is to not have such self-loathing. I am going to therapy and I want to lose weight. I am trying really hard to focus on my health, not my appearance.

Having DD1 changed my thinking around my body. After I gave birth, I was 'I am woman, hear me roar.' I succeeded with breastfeeding DD2 which reinforced that feeling of total female power. It has persisted nearly 6 years on.

Before having DC I think I saw my body as a vehicle for moving my brain around!