Mumsnet Logo

to access all these features

Newbies' corner

feeling like a monster, opinions please?

1 reply

ihavehadenough · 13/05/2018 08:59

hi, I'm feeling pretty down due to a fight with my partner about my 21yr old stepdaughters boyfriend living with us...

Originally she asked if he could stay for 2 weeks while he found a new flat for the both of them as he couldn't stay with his own parents, and that they couldn't stay with my stepdaughters mother as her mother is very religious and will not let them share a bed - normally she is week on week off with us and her mother. My partner told me that the boyfriend was going to stay for 2 weeks and I was fine with that.

What I am not fine with is that the original 2 weeks has now stretched out to 5 1/2 months. (They pay $20 each per week to cover household expenses - I do not provide food for them.)

What I increasingly became not fine with was the lack of house hunting going on - he works and she is at university and they spend ALL of their time in her room, order in food, and do not interact at all with the household. My stepdaughter hardly ever leaves her room until about 5pm when she breezes downstairs and out the door without even saying hi or bye unless I initiate it, and then it is just the one word.
Neither of them does any housework although I have requested it and even gone so far as to stick a list of chores that they could do on to the fridge along with a suggested amount of housework time.

After about 2 months I started emailing lists of available houses to them and have even driving the stepdaughter around to look at places but to no avail.

I am really unhappy about the situation and have asked my partner to do something about it. He is unhappy about my attitude, thinks that I am being unfair to them, but eventually gave them 2 weeks to find somewhere... that was in month 3 and the deadline came and went.

In month 4 I said that we had to make a firm 2 week deadline - and that it made much more sense for her to stay living with us while she was at university, but that the boyfriend had to move out.

Throughout all of this I have been told that I am unfair by my partner, that it is his house, that it is his daughter and that he doesn't want to drive her out.... I don't want to drive her out either, I am totally fine with her staying week on week off with us and her mother - rudeness, no housework and all!

I am getting progressively more and more angry about living with my 13 yr old daughter in this toxic environment but there is nothing at all that I can say to my partner.

Yesterday was the last day of the latest 2 week deadline.
Today when I asked my partner what was happening he said that the boyfriend had found a flat but was not moving for another 2 weeks.

And I lost the plot.

Not about the bf staying, but about my partner not talking to me about him staying for yet another 2 weeks (although he has his own parents too for chrissake), about my partner not consulting me when he knows how unhappy I am, about him making that decision on his own when he knew that I was expecting a final end to the saga YESTERDAY.

I yelled and I never yell, not ever. I was so pissed about my partner treating me like my opinions and feelings do not matter, that it is not my home too, that I am just some household pet.

And an hour later he left town for the week to fly to another city for work and I am left here, with my wide eyed daughter (I told you that I never ever yell and she is a bit freaked out!), and the toxic duo.

I feel absolutely awful that we left our relationship that way, that he has gone away believing that I am a nasty, yelling, mean monster who is trying to drive a wedge between him and his daughter...
We have a fantastic relationship but I am starting to realise - after 5 years - that it is fantastic if he gets his own way, but not so much if I object. I am very easy going normally so this difference between us has not reared it's ugly head before and it extremely upsetting, I have bawled all afternoon... and it is mothers day!

Am I really being a nasty mean monster? I don't feel like I am but I would love to hear other peoples opinions on how I could have handled this better :(

OP posts:
to access all these features

SOAPINGMOMMA · 13/05/2018 22:00

You are not a monster. If the duo won't help with the house and interact with the other household members I would be upset too! What gets me more is the way your husband seems to react if he doesn't get his way. I was always made to feel guilty about something with my now ex husband my fault or not. (Usually his fault because he was always placing blame.) In short, no, I understand your frustration. The original intent for him to stay and get a flat for both of them has come and gone. 20 a week each is a sweet deal for housing. I would talk to your husband about raising rent to encourage your step daughter and the boyfriend to actually treat the house like a flat and have an actual bill in their names. Don't do their dishes or laundry. They can have their own separate set of everything to clean up.

to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?