I don’t love my baby

[ELR873]

Twelve days ago, I had an incredibly traumatic birth that resulted in an emergency c-section. After a few days at home in agony, I’m back in hospital. This is my fifth day here this time...I had to go back to theatre due to sepsis, which was my worst nightmare.

I’m very lucky in that I have the kindest, sweetest husband, who has basically become a single dad, as well as a full time carer to me. His bond with our son is incredible and I know our son is in the best hands possible.

But since the birth, all I can do is associate the baby with pain and fear and trauma. When I was at home and he cried, I didn’t have an instinct to go to him; I resented him because I knew that having to help him would just hurt.

Now that I’m back in hospital, my husband brings him to see me (he is formula feeding because everything that happened prevented me from BF). I am over the moon to see my husband, but less so to see my son. I feel like I don’t know him and I don’t miss him when he’s not here. All I can think of is my husband and the happy life we had before.

In hospital it has been mistake after mistake and now I am back to square one in terms of recovery. I cry for my old happiness and for the person I used to be.

I am so angry that this time as a family had been taken away from us. And that I have missed the window of opportunity to bond with my baby.

Now I just feel like some bleeding, wounded animal rotting in a hospital that has rejected its young. My baby is beautiful and healthy but I feel that I am not important to him or him to me.

Everyone in our NCT group is out doing fun family activities and I’m rotting in hospital, with a body that bleeds when I stand and no emotion for my baby. I have become a withering, crying shell of a person and I feel nauseous when I remember that I am a mother now.

Please believe me when I say I am not a cold person. I have so much love to give, I have just lost the ability to give it. I feel desperate, unattractive, detached, and like the most terrible person in the world.

V quickly.,others will be along soon. You aren’t a terrible person. You are traumatised. You will love your son it might just take a bit longer, it does for lots of people.

ELR873 I could have written your story myself.

I will be 5 weeks post section myself on Friday.

I'm still in hospital (Though a different one to where I gave birth due to monumental fuck ups that have left me looking like a shark attack victim).

I have now had plastic surgery, and feel well on the way to healing but I too was knocking at death's door with sepsis.

In terms of my bond with baby... She was allowed to stay with me for the first couple of weeks. We then went home and I had nurses coming in and out every day. I cuddle her and I kiss her and I tell her that she is beautiful and that I love her but as she was coming out during my section, I was vomiting all over myself and feeling like a total space cadet. DP felt that overwhelming rush of love that people describe but I didn't at all!

I don't resent her at all, it's not her fault that this has happened to me. I feel like she is blameless in this but I do feel inadequate and as though I should have been able to do more.

It also worries me about our future bond and her ability to form secure attachments later in life. She's given to me then dragged away then given then dragged and I feel like this might impact on her future development - something I'll never know for sure but that I'll probably blame myself for if problems do manifest.

I don't have any words of advice really- I think I do love my daughter but in a different way to most.

I really hope you get on the road to recovery soon. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. It sounds like we've had similar experiences.

(Hopefully I'm going home today - it will be the first time in 4 days I've seen my DD and I haven't even really missed her. I've been asking DP for photos because I feel it's the done thing but I know she's safe and cared for so that's what matters to me!)

Please be kind to yourself. You have been through an horrific catalogue of trauma and you need all your energy to heal yourself before you can even begin to look after someone else. It's called self-preservation right now.

Of course he represents pain and trauma at the moment, it isn't his fault but he is a very physical reminder of all you have gone through. Your husband sounds fab and is doing what he can so your son will not suffer in the way you are suffering. But you really really really need to give yourself time, space and credit for surviving this. You will be ok. You will develop a bond but it is going to take time. That's ok. Concentrate on you first.

You are not a terrible person. You are person suffering from terrible trauma.

So sorry this has happened to you. Please know that it is not your fault and you aren't a bad person at all, you have been through a major trauma.

There is plenty of time to build a bond with your baby. It doesn't happen instantly for many people even in much easier circumstances than yours. He is being well cared for which is all that matters. You do not need to feel any guilt over this.

Please don't feel pressure from the idea of what other NCT people are doing - half of them are probably feeling like a truck has hit them and are just doing a good job of disguising it in the facebook photos or whatever. You have been through hell to bring your baby safely into the world: you are an absolute warrior superstar.

Try to talk to someone honestly about how you are feeling. It will get better when the dust has settled - and if it doesn't then help is available. It's going to be OK.

You almost certainly have post traumatic stress after what you’ve been through. Nobody would be feeling like a loving jolly mummy after suffering all that, plus your hormones will be making you weepy and depressed.
For now, just focus on yourself and your own recovery. Sepsis and surgery both knock the stuffing out of you, leaving you exhausted. Get as much rest and sleep as you can. Your DH seems to be doing well with your DS, so let them have some time together.
There is no “window” for a mother to bond with a new baby. Some mums are smitten with love the minute they deliver, but others take months to gradually get to know their baby and learn to love them.
And all knackered, sleep deprived new mums sometimes resent the baby for crying and waking them yet again at night.
With my first baby, I just felt overwhelmed and horror struck at the responsibility I’d taken on, and traumatised by the birth. It was weeks before I began to relax and bond with her. I now love her to bits.
Give yourself time, accept your own feelings, and get well physically. You may then want to talk all this through with a counselor, but my hunch is that once you’re home and recovered, you will slowly begin to develop a loving relationship with your baby. Good luck and God bless.

You are very poorly and understandably have no energy for anything except surviving right now. When you are Well again, you will be able to bond with your baby. Skin to skin contact, doing the cares, gazing into her eyes, all these things will get the hormones flowing that help you both to bond.

Don't panic, concentrate on getting well.

Sending you lots of and hugs OP, it happened to me two years ago. It was really hard to bond with my babies (twins) afterwards but it did happen, don't worry.

The consultant was very good and explained that it's completely normal: your body cares about YOU, not the baby. It wants you to get well and not bother about anything else.

Please take it further with the hospital, at the very least they should offer you counselling and review your case to make sure it doesn't happen again. In my case it was due to the ward being understaffed and problems being missed.

Again, do not feel bad at all, just concentrate on getting well and everything else will follow!!

You have had a horrendous traumatic experience and it will take time to get over. You are in shock and it just takes time to accept what has happened because it's so far from the experience that was expected. I had some issues bonding initially as well, I couldn't pick him up because he was too heavy, breastfeeding was completely out as I had been too ill and only one boob was working.

I had my first son 20+ Years ago and it was a horrendous experience, I had Pre eclampsia, undiagnosed diabetes, laboured for hours and hours only to have an emergency section because he was stuck in my pelvis. Afterwards there was infections and separation as he was in SCBU as he was quite ill, he was The biggest baby in there at 10lb 10 and I didn't know what to do.

It will take some time but once this is over and you are out of hospital, at home with your baby learning all about him, it will happen I can assure you. The one thing I didn't do and I do regret this was skin to skin contact with him when I visited. I did do this with my younger one who was inPICU because he was prem and it did help to make me feel connected.

Have you already tried skin to skin contact? Would you be prepared to give it a go? It easier when you breastfeed but because that's not an option for you, it might be worth a try.

Dear ELR873,

Many times we are so happy to give somebody a few words of kindness that we forget that we need them too once in a while. You have been through a lot of pain and trauma, so it's ok to be feeling whatever you're feeling. Once you start to heal physically, things will get much better. You will also develop a wonderful bond with your baby so don't worry.

These first few days, give yourself the space to feel whatever you're feeling. Don't judge yourself and with time, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Meanwhile, congratulations!! You're a survivor :)

Hi everyone, I started this thread.

First of all, I wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who responded. I couldn’t reply at the time, but your messages meant so much and helped me to get through one of the darkest times of my life.

Secondly, I wanted to reply to this thread in case anyone in a similar situation to me sees it, perhaps from looking online for answers or comfort.

At the time, I didn’t believe I would ever recover. I couldn’t look at my son and I was convinced I’d never be able to love him. I felt so worthless that I didn’t even feel like a person anymore. I felt him and my husband would be better off without me.

My son is now six weeks old and everything has changed: I can’t get enough of him! It’s certainly not easy, and I never felt that huge gush of love that you expect to happen - it’s been a gradual process and the love builds daily; but if you are going through something similar - there is hope and it will get better.

It may not feel like it, but everybody who commented on here was right. You need to allow time for your body to recover and for you to overcome the trauma of what you’ve been through. Only then can you start to enjoy your baby - you have to look after yourself first.

Nobody prepares you for this. If you are feeling similar to What I described in my original post, and you need somebody to talk to, please message me directly and I will be support you in any way I can. Don’t go through this alone.

Thank you so much to everyone on here who helped me, you are all amazing and I appreciate it so much xxx

So glad to read your update, OP xx

You are lovely, and a brilliant mum ❤️❤️

So glad to hear you came through okay.

I'm so pleased for you!