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Original poster

Dad that doesn't want to get divorced

22 replies

Tryingtomakegood · 19/03/2018 19:09

My wife and I have been drifting apart having been married for 5 years, at Xmas just gone it came to a head in a horrible row. I'm ashamed to say I physically hurt her and whilst we stayed together over Xmas in the new year after I said i didn't think our marriage was working she took our 2 year old son and left. She said she would be back in a couple of days and that she just needed 'some space' since then the divorce papers have come through and she wont even speak to me. I went to the police and handed myself in, was given a community court order to complete a 'building better relationships' course and I have been referred onto an anger management course. Long and short of it is my doctor has said my response to my wife/stress is a response I have learnt from my childhood (I was beaten as a child by both parents but mostly my dad). I'm utterly ashamed of my actions and would give anything to get my wife back but as the court has imposed a restraining order I cant contact her in anyway shape or form and all contact with my son is arranged with me and her dad.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm utterly ashamed of how I have behaved but willing to do anything to make the situation better

I get to see my son for an hour a week at a contact center but as a hands on Dad I desperately miss him, what should I do??

OP posts:

Phosphorus · 19/03/2018 19:13

Leave her alone.

Would you tell your child to stay with someone they didn't want to? Someone who hurt them.

Even if you'd never so much as raised your voice, she is free to leave you if she chooses to. And she has.

SilverHairedCat · 19/03/2018 19:15

Honestly? Your marriage is over. She's made it very clear to you. A marriage takes two people, and she doesnt want to be a part of it any longer.

I'm glad you're taking steps to sort things in your head, but whilst childhood issues may explain how this all came about, it doesn't excuse the violence.

She wants out of a violent relationship with you. The only way to make things "better" is to agree to the divorce, keep the process quick and without arguments and be the best father you can be for your son.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 19:16

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Suggestions for what exactly? Getting a good solicitor? Not for changing her mind surely? You wouldn’t be that arrogant would you?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 19:17

I get to see my son for an hour a week at a contact center but as a hands on Dad I desperately miss him, what should I do??

Keep seeing him, don’t hurt him, and you’ll eventually get to see him more. There’s no shortcut round that. For obvious reasons.

RandomMess · 19/03/2018 19:26

Do as you're told, jump through every hoop and hope that see your change is genuine and life long and that contact gets increased over time.

Jensoud · 14/04/2018 14:50

I can really empathise with your situation and while your actions may not have been great, trauma is often cyclic and my favourite saying is "hurt people hurt people". I am a counsellor in prison and this is a similar story to one I have heard many times. Unfortunately there is not much simple advice I can give you but something that may benefit you is to focus on yourself and show your ex partner and family that you are making these changes to be a better parent such as going to any courses that are available in your area, ready books about self-care, seeing an understanding therapist to address past trauma. There's no simple answer but it sounds like you do love your son and want the best outcome so I wish you luck on your journey.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 14/04/2018 14:55

I wish I had your wife's strength to leave after the first hit.

All you can do is be there for your son. Go to the contact centre and let contact build up, prove you can be trusted with him and let his mum get on with her life without fear.

donajimena · 14/04/2018 15:00

I'm sorry that this happened. She was right to leave. I know you have 'reasons' and you are doing the right things. I hope they serve you well in the future but this relationship is over. Unfortunately you physically hurting here would likely kill the love and trust she had for you.
As others have said stick to the rules and you have a good chance of building a relationship with your son.
Agree to the divorce and do it amicably.

Doofenschmirtz · 14/04/2018 15:01

You say that you were violent because of what happened in your childhood.

What kind of a lesson do you think your son would be learning if he were to grow up in a household with a violent father?

Your marriage is over but this is your chance to break the cycle of violence and concentrate on being the best father you can be.

Debbie51 · 16/04/2018 15:49

This obviously hasn't been the first hit.

May2019 · 30/04/2018 20:44

Hello,

I am really sorry you are going through this. What idiotic responses you've had! I can't believe people are so willing to jump in and judge you over this.

Domestic violence is a complex issue and as a child who grew up with it I know how hard it is to resist the rage when it builds up in your own situation. How dare people judge you for this struggle!

Get the therapy for anger management. Then work hard building up trust bit by bit. You can still be a supportive Dad and ex-partner even if you can't rebuilt the relationship. Don't lose hope. Keep working. And ignore the stupid negative comments of other ignorant weak-minded people.

All the best,
Deborah

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/04/2018 20:51

I fail to see what is weak minded about supporting a woman who has escaped a violent relationship. She's been terrorised by the OP and has made her offspring safe.

May2019 · 10/05/2018 17:22

A bit of physical violence in a relationship is easier to forgive and prevent than emotional abuse or sexual immorality which is soul destroying. So yes, dismissing someone for losing it and getting physically violent, is weak-minded.

Oswin · 10/05/2018 17:27

Wtf have i just read?! There is something wrong with you May2019

Oswin · 10/05/2018 17:29

By sexual immorality do you mean cheating? Are you for real?

DaisysStew · 10/05/2018 17:32

May2019 Please look up the statistics on women killed by their partners/ex partners in the UK before spouting such bullshit.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2018 17:33

I suggest you call the Respect Phoneline and do the Freedom Programme For Men. However, you should do those things for your own sake, for your son, and for any partner(s) you might have in future. Not to get your wife back.

As for your wife, I suggest you respect her decision to divorce and cooperate with her. Pay child maintenance regularly and on time. Perhaps with time you will be able to have more contact with your son. But you must respect her need to protect herself and her son after the hurt you have caused.

May2019 · 10/05/2018 18:06

Oswin and DaisysStew - I think whatever minimal education you both had was wasted on you. Clearly you both have limited communication skills and need to go back and take your GCSE English comprehension. You have neither read nor considered what I wrote carefully before responding violently and insultingly. Domestic violence is a complex subject and it's clear that neither of you have any understanding of it. Go and get a better education before taking out your frustrations on this platform.

Oswin · 10/05/2018 18:14

Oh trust me i have had an extensive education on abusers and people like you.

Flisspaps · 10/05/2018 18:21

@May2019 OP doesn't need anger management, I doubt very much he took his anger out on anyone other than his wife. He manages it perfectly well and chooses when and where to display it.

It is indeed a complex issue, but never excusable and only preventable by the abuser making a decision not to abuse. Weak mindedness is making excuses for abuse.

OP's wife has made the brave and strong decision to keep herself and her child safe.

I am a Freedom Programme facilitator, I also work with young adults many of whom have experienced domestic abuse either from childhood or in recent relationships and I have a 2:1 BA, so I hope I am educated and experienced enough for you.

All the best

PickAChew · 10/05/2018 18:38

I reserve the right to judge anyone who physically assaults their partner and anyone who is both willing to excuse it and call others stupid for not excusing it.

DaisysStew · 10/05/2018 18:52

PMSL at the “responding violently” to your comment excusing perpetrators of domestic violence.

I work in an area that deals with domestic violence on a daily basis. Day after day I see children taken into care because of their parents failing to safeguard and protect them from witnessing violence in their home. I see women going back time and time again on the promise of “I’ve changed”. Just recently a lady was repeatedly stabbed by her ex after she let him in to “talk it through” while her child slept upstairs.

I don’t need any more education- I know enough to say first time hands are raised you need to call it a day. Broken hearts and hurt feelings from infidelity heal much easier than a broken neck or 4 inch abdomen wound.

Flip