My friend is ignoring me, for what seems like no real good reason, after some weirdness with my ex boyfriend. She's ignored me before, over a situation where she felt like I wasn't communicating enough with her- when my dad was literally dying, and I had actually made efforts to reach out. We're supposed to be going away together - just the two of us - for new year and I'm considering telling her this can't happen. However, I always second guess myself and my feelings, and know I can be sensitive. Perhaps I care too much about this, and should keep her as a superficial friend if not a close one? I just feel personally (especially lately) like life is perhaps a little too short for this sort of stuff, which is causing me a lot of worry on top of an already mammoth amount of processing of difficult stuff from the last three years.
More detail - sorry for the length:
I'm giving the detail about the ex/friend situation not because I necessarily feel like I own them and have a huge problem with if they did date, but because I feel like my friend is annoyed with me in response to my response to this situation -- and her ignoring me is the thing that is bothering me.
Friend (of about 15 years, though not close for all of that time, and she has lived in another city for the last ten years) told me a few weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend (whose behaviour can be quite disrespectful of normal boundaries - he has a lot of slightly off friendships with inappropriate women) had gotten in touch with her on social media and proceeded to ask her when she was next in our city (he had seen she was there that day)...this then led to a chat and him asking her if she wanted to go for a coffee. These guys have met three times maximum, over like ten years, always at a party of mine - so I am their only link, but they know how much the other one means to me.
This isn't a serious long-term ex, but it is someone that I had a very intense six months with about six years ago and who had become quite a good friend of mine since. He even came to my father's funeral recently, for instance. She said she wanted to let me know and check with me before getting back to him, that she obviously found it a little weird, she didn't want to upset me and would never do anything, didn't fancy him etc (I had said recently that I sometimes wondered whether I still had feelings for him, and also had been wondering whether he had grown up a bit since we had our thing six years ago).
I said I didn't own either of them, but obviously I would find it a bit weird if anything happened between them, especially as I'd spoken to her about considering whether it was worth picking up with him again (I have gotten the sense through the years that he might still have feelings for me buried somewhere, and a good friend of ours recently said she thinks that is the case).
She said she wouldn't meet with him and had thought it was completely innocent. I accepted that explanation, and said that she wasn't to know he could be iffy like that and that it was kind of unsurprising and in a way, maybe quite positive he'd done that as it reminded me who he was - always getting himself into weird ambiguous situations (ours had been a bit like that too - could never tell where his head was at, and then when I broke it off he pursued me for ages after saying he'd just been too defensive because he didn't know where MY head was at and didn't want to be hurt. A head f* to say the least).
I was due to see said ex-boyfriend for lunch and to exchange something I'd borrowed from him the week after. During lunch, I lightheartedly said I'd heard he'd been in touch with friend for a coffee, and teased him about it (we have a very lighthearted relationship, and tease each other a lot - we also have both had a few different partners since, so this didn't feel out of bounds). In all honesty, I felt disrespected and quite hurt that he would approach my friend - especially at such a vulnerable time for me - and wanted him to know this without making a big deal out of it. I assumed that he would understand and say he hadn't meant to offend and that he'd back off. I guess cos I'd never dream of approaching a friend of his.
He kind of deflected the subject, saying that he'd never go out with someone that he didn't live in the city as again. I replied to say that I would find it weird if anything happened with her as she was a close friend, and he didn't seem to register this.
Later in the day said friend texted me about something else, and I replied and mentioned I'd seen ex for coffee. Relayed what had been said and said that ex had really annoyed me and made me feel a bit betrayed by not even registering that it might be weird if he was pursuing a mutual friend romantically. This was in the context of saying that I felt like I was just starting to properly grieve for my dad, and that my head was all over the place with the confusing situation with my current boyfriend etc.
Since then, friend has gone from several texts a week or even day to nothing for, like, three weeks.I have reached out in a light touch way a couple of times, and she's replied very curtly, once saying she was sick (there was then a picture posted on Facebook of her out drinking) and then another saying she had been busy (I know she has been, but she always makes time to reply, and the tone was very passive aggressive). I've also noticed that she has started liking all of his Instagram posts (yes, I realise this is very petty to have noticed even) -- he has been liking all of hers for weeks now.
This kind of reminds me of earlier this year, when we'd been talking about going away for last new year's and I'd been non-committal because my dad was terminally ill and I was looking after him a lot. It was very difficult to predict what was going on and I basically couldn't confirm anything till last minute. She knew this and had said she understood it was difficult to plan, yet was really moody with me for months.
I eventually saw her in person and asked why she was being weird and she said she 'missed her friend' and that she'd noticed I was leaving my job on Facebook and that I hadn't;t told her and she felt hurt at that (I was basically having a breakdown at the time from a very stressful three years of caring for people with cancer, and had dropped out of the job at pretty short notice - it wasn't like it was a carefully planned exit).
I was completely understanding, said I was sorry communication had been patchy and that it had been nothing personal. This was after six months of similar passive aggressive behaviour - going hot then cold, inviting me to things then saying 'it's fine if you don't come' in a really dismissive way etc. I feel that she made what was the most difficult period in my life about her, and that this behaviour was petty. She said she was glad I'd bought it up as she never would have herself, that she loved me and wanted to be there for me etc, but in all honesty I just felt exhausted that I had to do the work in that situation.
We are supposed to be going away - just the two of us - for new year. Yesterday I sent her a short text asking if everything was okay as she'd gone quiet, and there's been no reply. I'm considering sending another in a few days if I don't hear back telling her that I don't have energy for this passive aggressive behaviour and calling the trip off. I just can't handle all of this power play and feel that ignoring her in turn is going as low as she is. However, it also gives her ammo to say she was just busy and I'm massively overreacting.
I guess I also have other misgivings about her as a person, which I've never judged her on, but which do maybe point to someone who can act a little shiftily. For example, seeming to show no remorse for having an affair with a married man; cheating on her two long-term boyfriends; declaring herself bankrupt just so she could start afresh and go on very expensive holidays on credit etc.
How would you deal with it?