Feel like I've ruined my whole life...

[Klmsb]

Hi, new to the forum! I feel so lost in life and was wondering if I could relate to anyone here...
I'm 29, 3 children, I had my eldest at 20 and my two youngest in a different relationship . None of my children were planned. I'm currently doing an open uni degree , no job and living with the father of my two youngest. The problem is, he has a conviction of common assault against me and has been emotionally and physically abusive. I've not been doing very well at uni as he doesn't provide me with any help or alone time to study and the kids are unruly, I had them in a good routine until my youngest was born. I'm intelligent enough but also dyspraxic and so have very low self esteem as it is, I just feel he has held me back in doing my best. Now, I think I am living with PTSD, the man I was once smitten with I now cannot emotionally connect to and he is still abusive, emotionally at least. I would like to think both he and I have similar, undiagnosed mental health issues but I worry this is keeping me trapped feeling I deserve this life which makes me so sad. He has called me a 'nobody', 'unattractive', 'mediocre', made fun of my accent and made me very class conscious.
This is all exasperated by the fact that I think I am still in love with my first love from when I was a teen. I may have idealised him given the problems in my own relationship but I have genuinely never met another man like him. In our teens, in our 3-4 yr relationship, he showed a level of compassion and maturity I have never since known. We had such a close bond but he has since married and had a daughter. He leads a seemingly perfect life which I have seen unfold on facebook parallel to my absolute mess of a life. I'm consumed with pain and heartache, knowing I am not fully appreciating my children while they're young, acutely aware of the resentment I will feel when I'm older. I feel like I've well and truly ruined my whole life, like if I'd have made better decisions I wouldn't be living in such a mess now whilst simultaneously thinking I deserve all I have gotten in life. There's no way to fix this pain and though I know all things pass, I can't see much light at the end of the tunnel. After three children over 9 years I feel utterly starved of real love and connection and wish I could've planned my life properly. Married someone I loved, got a career first and planned my children, led a normal life filled with happiness. I really appreciate any replies yet feel like I am shouting into the void here. I feel so very alone and that noone could ever understand everything I've been through or me and this is why I long for my first love but he is very happily married and so I live with the delusion of false hope. Thanks for reading.

[Batoutahell]

Actually I think nearly all your problems pivot on your DP. Can you get out of that relationship permenantly? Even if it means deferring your study for a couple of years while you regroup and stabilise your life again, if he's out of your life I think a lot of other issues will become clearer and easier. Finances are the main issue I suspect but you are better all round and your kids will have a better outcome not being raised in an abusive home.

You have to let go of daydreams about your ex. Though again I suspect that's a bit tied up in the unhappiness with your DP.

[Need20yearsofsleep]

You need to leave him. If you think you have ptsd or anything like that please go to the Drs and get some counselling. He's putting you down so you won't leave him because he obviously knows he's been an arse and doesn't deserve you or able to keep you any other way. The ex on fb quite honestly might only be putting up the 'good things' of his life right now like a lot of people put up only good and not bad. Hope you get the help needed and good luck

[Klmsb]

Thank you for the replies. I know I need to leave him , it is mainly financial but partially having to let go of the idea of ever getting married. I know it's not healthy to obsess over my ex but he still likes a lot of my posts and the one time we bumped into one another , years ago, while we were both with our partners and I was pregnant, he asked if I was ok. Looking back, I wasn't ok but I was in such denial that I didn't recognise....but he did as he as always known me so well. I suppose it's more the longing to unload my story on someone who a) knows me well b) cares. I don't tell my family and friends everything because I suppose it's too close to the bone.
Also, we are all going on holiday this Monday, but I have said he needs to leave after the holiday. I am lucky in my living situation, (we rent from my parents) but I am scared to go on benefits again as they were very uncompassionate about my situation and I had a malicious call to benefit fraud while the abuse was going on which really shook me up, despite being innocent. Thank you again for your replies, they confirmed what I already kind of knew.

[LilaoftheGreenwood]

You absolutely need to get away from that man. He is making your life impossible in a thousand different ways. You do NOT have the same undiagnosed mental health issue he does, because his issue is that he is an abusive dick. I'm amazed you're not falling apart, you must be incredibly strong.

I think you know the daydreaming about your ex is a red herring, because everything is so difficult now and he comes from a happier time in your life - also everyone just puts the good bits on FB. But if he treated you nicely and you want to feel like that with someone again, good! Use that to motivate you to get away from your current abuser.

If you went part time with your course and got a job, would that be enough to live on alongside whatever credits/benefits you'd be entitled to plus maintenance from your ex (if he actually paid any of course)?

Alternatively, could you talk to OU about deferring your course for personal issues to get back on your feet, and use that time to kick him out and get a job? I realise that's not a complete solution because you still have to complete the course at some point. But I think the kicking him out has to come first. He's not helping you get through it anyway, is he?

Is your underlying plan to finish the course and get a job and THEN get away from him?

[LilaoftheGreenwood]

X-post with you. I see your point about benefits, is parental help and/or renting out a room in the house an option?

The other thing is, I think you need to put the fretting about your life firmly in the "sort that out after escaping from this terrible relationship box".

At 29, you still have time to do ALL of it, really you do! In fact the thing you've done already (have children) is probably the most time-sensitive of all the ambitions you name. The truth is very few people do things in the "right" order. On this forum you'll find women (and men!) who dropped out of their education and regret it, women who stayed in the wrong relationship in order to have children and regret it, women who left it too late to have children and regret it... But all of them will experience some positive things in their lives as well - the job they like, the great relationship they held out for, the children they wanted. Most people just do things in a bit of a muddle.

[LilaoftheGreenwood]

Also, welcome to MN and I hope your journey gets better If/when you're going through the breakup the ladies on the Relationships board are great, if a little full-on in their fierceness at times (and I say this as one of them )

[mummytwoh]

Hi,
I'm 33 married 8 months ago pregnant with number 3 & right now feel pretty similar to you.
My husband isn't abusive but has begun to put me down recently, & even when he's not putting me down he doesn't build me up.
I too have an ex who I was with from 18-21 but we saw each other on & off till we were 27. He too lives my dream life (a lot of which we used to sit up talking about & planning till the early hours) he is now married with a little girl. I don't know if it's him I still love or the feeling of being in love and receiving the love from him in the way I did that I can't move past but I a million percent no how you feel and it hurts - a lot.

I feel like we could be twins lol.
I started an OU course but had to stop :( my husband works away a lot & I wasn't able to manage it properly. Routine wise I could now do it but can't afford to :(
Try not to give it up it's so important for you to have something for yourself.
How old are your children? Will you get more alone time once school starts back next month? Or are they young?
My local sports centre has a great crèche. My little one starts mornings at nursery in September but previously I have sometimes put her in the crèche for an hour while the older one was at nursery and given myself that hour to study in the centre cafe, & it's only £2. Have you got anything like that near you so you could carry on your degree?

I don't have any advice because I also feel rubbish at the moment but you are not alone.

[Klmsb]

Thank you. Your comment about being strong made me well up, in a good way! I am kind of falling apart but very fortunate to have such supportive family and friends, I'd be truly unable to cope without them.
Your last comment is pretty much what I think I had been envisioning. I started the course part time just after my second son was born , failed my first year due to my personal circumstances, retook it and have passed the last couple of years. I have another three modules to do and have only gone and enrolled on two in one year, full time starting October. In my mind, if I could just dedicate all my new found free time when my youngest starts nursery in September to uni, I would be able to look for a part a time job by June next year I and then I would only have one more year part time left to do. I suppose I was hoping we could at least hang on until then. Things had been improving between us, I know that may seem naive but he has changed certain aspects of his behaviour, only for him to revert to emotional abuse if I am angry or upset. There's only so much a person can truly change though I think. You're so right about my ex being motivation to leave. That may be another reason I am obsessing over him, as a way to remind myself that the last 6 years isn't normal and there are good men out there. I guess I should be grateful my first relationship was quite long and healthy to give me a good reference point for future ones. Thanks again.

[Klmsb]

I shouldn't worry too much you're right, there's still time to achieve my goals, I think I'm rushing and worrying now partly because I feel I need to prove to myself that I am capable. I suppose his insults have provided fuel for the fire in that respect. Slightly overwhelmed with how lovely and supportive you all are btw!

[Klmsb]

It's just very relieving to know I'm not alone in my feelings/situation! Luckily my youngest starts nursery full time just before my modules start so I will have the time.
Your relationship with your ex and subsequent feelings seems very similar to mine. We got together when I was 14, him 15...til about 18. We would cry together saying we wish we had met when we were older and when he went off to uni and admitted to kissing a few girls, I was heartbroken and ended it. How silly of me looking back. I became pregnant with my eldest the year after and I never fully considered how it made him feel , if at all, I was so wrapped up in coping with pregnancy/motherhood, it took me many years of hindsight to realise I had probably hurt him, that maybe he was waiting for a chance as we hoped when we were older. It's just one of those things I have to live with, like a constant loss but ultimately, I gained my beautiful children so that gives me some happiness from it all.
when you say you can't afford to do the course again, is that because you can't get a loan? I would really hope you can still go back to uni if you wanted though I'm not sure how it all works. I hope things improve for you and your husband x

[ColdCottage]

You are young, bright, hard working and amazing (raising 3 children is amazing!)

Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself.

Firstly you need to get a support network ready to help you leave this man. Also speak to shelter, women's aid, your gp and citizens advice work out how to leave the man who is meant to love you, care for you, respect and support you not treat you the way you have told us he does.

You are more than this and deserve to (and WILL BE) happy. Soon I hope once you have left this negative and abusive man.

[ColdCottage]

Also 29 is nothing, I only got married at 29 and lots of my fiends are not yet married or only just married so you have lots of time!

[dietingforevz]

You need to leave him. It's good that the house is yours. Your only 29, yes you have 3 children but your life isn't over or ruined!

It's a struggle but you can do it all without him.

Reading this post reminded me so much of myself and how I was feeling 8 months ago, I have 2 kids, their dad was vile to me, I wanted to be with him I hated the thought of claiming benefits he knew this and would fuck off and move out whenever he felt leaving me stuck, I'd never have money for anything I'd of been better off claiming benefits, all bills were in my name and piling up, but after a couple of months apart.. I just thought wtf what am I doing!

I was a mess, but I got through it! A close friend who does webcam work told me I should give it a try, so I brought a cheap laptop on my credit card and a webcam, I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I thought I'd tell you weather your interested or not, it's just what helped me massively. I signed up to the website "Adultwork", I don't claim benefits, I cam once the kids are in bed, I don't lie there playing with myself, I honestly sit there in my bra typing away. It's easy money. You don't have to show your face and I can earn over £700 a week!


I know sooo many people are going to turn there noses up but it's what helped me financially when I was left on my ass, living in a rural area I can't drive due to health conditions, it's not as easy as just "find a job" and I can now afford anything for my kids. I've applied to a college and will be on the way to starting a career for myself!

I shall be name changing now and hiding this thread🙈. I did try private messaging. Good luck whatever you do. Xx