Hi, I'm new on and require some thoughts on whether I'm ungrateful, being over sensitive or being taken advantage of?

[legobricks]

I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years and married for 4, during this time he has worked away for almost 10years, so am used to this, he comes back weekends. I sold my house and he sold his and we bought a property together just before we got married putting in equal amount of money. Since then we have knocked the house down and rebuilt, it's taken 3 years and although almost complete still some works going on. I had our first baby December 2014 and in the October 2014 he decided to take a job 4hrs+ away where is was working an hour away and travelling home everyday. I had our first baby by emergency c section, my husband only had two days at home with me and goes back to work and my family help me looking after me, they live 45mins away from me. By the March 2015 the house has been knocked down and we have a static caravan in the garden, great with a newborn!!! So I go and stay at my mums during the week and go back weekends when my husbands back. I go back to work Nov 2015 and childcare is sorted out between my mum, me and my aunt. ( this was a big stress as sometimes I'd go to work and be thinking constantly about who would have the baby the following week, so constantly juggling) I fall pregnant with my second baby and gave birth Nov 2016 again by c section, again my husband takes 2 days off and goes back to work, he is self employed, but we could afford for him to have more time off. Again my family support me. I'm a pretty laid back person and independent and when I think about it I feel quite aggrieved by everything. During both periods of maternity my husband stated during disagreements ' what are you paying for' I state I bringing up our children as well as paying for the mortgage and insurances, although I'm on maternity. He states his job keeps me in the lifestyle I have, well I say yes I drive a nice car and have a nice house that I don't really stay in much as I'm around my family that support me and I have no support from his family who live 15mins away. I haven't been out with friends for an evening out for well over 18months and have only had 3 evenings out in the 3 years since having my first, as I have to rely on my mum to have the kids and that's not fair on her as she also works.
My husband works away, rents a house, goes to the gym most evenings and goes out for meals with work etc and has a massage every couple of weeks from mobile therapist. I used to love training but sadly since having my second baby, I haven't been because of childcare.
My husband can get quite tempered when things don't go his way or he is feeling the pressure. Recently my sister came and stayed at our house for the weekend, my husband was rude and didn't make her feel welcome. Since then he has said my family are only to visit when he's not around, considering that I'm back at work therefore the only time they can now come is weekends and my husbands home obviously they will not come, I'm cheesed off as they are the ones that have supported me in turn making it easier for my husband , but he doesn't see that. Well anyway I broke my foot Monday just gone, and my husband went back to work straight away, and left me with lo knowing full well I can't drive etc so again my family have been down to help me, and I have one visit from his mother all week and one phone call (my mother in law doesn't work) . Surely this can't be right. My eldest has been cooped up because of me and has no one to take him nursery. Well my husband comes home on Saturdays normally at around 5pm and yesterday he phones me up and informs me he has been invited to the cricket by his senior bosses Saturday evening and what do I think, I say that you obviously care more about your work than your wife!! I then receive a bouquet of flowers, I guess for the guilt!!!
Am I being over sensitive, he hasnt helped me after having the lo and c section, he has a life, I hardly go out. Is it right that he gets to carry on as normal but surely that's cheeky to even want to go to the cricket knowing full well I have a broken foot and have struggled! Well he's going to the cricket and won't be back until midnight. Just because he earns more money than me it doesn't make him more superior, although I think he thinks it does. Any thoughts, comments welcome, thank you

Hi, it really sounds like you're having a tough time and judging by what you've said , your other half sounds like he isn't being g as supportive as he could be. Surely he can afford to take some time off to help out? It may just be that everything has happened at once and our partners flaws are easier to spot under stress, then again if his family also seem disinterested with helping and this is a continuous pattern of behaviour on his part, it could very well be an issue with his character that originates within his family. Men generally take it for granted how much work stay at home mum's do but it's not impossible for them to take the time to consider your feelings. Like not going out to socialise or have your own leisure time is enough to drive a person to the edge of sanity. I know this feeling too well! I hope you and to get some resolve and respite.
All the best

Hi,
Thanks, I agree with you is he like it because his family are, and that's exactly what I was thinking to myself. His mum is a very nice lady but hasn't worked for years and has a busy social life, she sees the grandchildren probably an hour a week and sometimes not even that. His mum is very close to her sisters and every weekend they go out or are up to something and they themselves help each other out all the time, so they are close. His mum does more for her nephews than us and my husband knows that but I guess is at a loss with it.
I've had a disagreement with my husband today already, he said he won't bother driving back today after the cricket because I sound sullen and he shouldn't have to put up with it, and don't appreciate how hard he works, and every disagreement we have he always quick to mention divorce. I feel he doesn't appreciate me, I'm the one who goes to work when I've had no more that 2hrs sleep when the lo been sick or teething and he moans about his lack of sleep, it's really beginning to grind on me.

From his comments today I'd say he's definitely being emotionally abusive. You're allowed to feel angry about his behaviour and so what he works and earns money? He'd have to do that whether he was with you or not and he should be grateful you stick by him otherwise he'd be paying a lot of hold support to wash his own clothes and cook his own food. Many men don't fully realise women are humans in their own right and expect something of a support act in their own lives. Not all men of course but I think it's usually an absorbed attitude they just haven't taken the time to examine.

'hold support' meant to say 'child support'. Silly autocorrect!

He has another daughter through his first marriage, he paid child support, but the joys of being self employed he said he was only getting paid minimum wage, so only had to pay £30 per week!!!!

I just feel helpless at the mo 😬

Sounds like a garden variety misogynist wanker to me! Especially in light of your last post.

Oh love. I'm afraid he's a wanker. And a self employed one at that. Divorce may leave you with the house but it sounds like he's quite happy to use his se status to avoid paying for his children.

Does he ever make you happy?

It may be worth asking to have this thread moved to Relationships, you'll get some fab advice there.

You are not being over sensitive! He has behaved badly.
He should feel awful about leaving you and be back as much as possible. Very selfish.

Sorry don't have any advice. Just had to agree you aren't over sensitive.

He has another daughter through his first marriage, he paid child support, but the joys of being self employed he said he was only getting paid minimum wage, so only had to pay £30 per week!!!!

Did this not give you a hint what he was like?

He sounds absolutely awful!

How dare he be rude to your family, especially after all the help they've given you.

You should've told him that he can't go to the cricket, he needs to come to look after the kids - and you!

You need to have a serious talk with him. He's taking you for granted and being totally unsupportive. I couldn't be in a relationship like this, no way.

If he's self employed how come his job is 4 hours away?

How come he comes home Saturday evenings until Sunday evenings?

I hate to say it but it sounds like he has a life of his own and just visits you like a relative.

I'm sorry you've broken your foot. That must be painful. Any decent husband and father would be there supporting you all through this rather than being more interested in a bleeding cricket match.

You are definitely not being needy or insensitive or overreacting or any of the things you think you are being that make you seem negative.

You might get more advice lego asking MNHQ to move this thread to the Relationships board rather than in newbies.

Thank you so much for the comments, it makes me feel better that I'm not over reacting.
I only have myself to blame because I knew what he was like when I first met him, it was because of that, I didn't commit hence we've only been married 4 yrs, I made it clear that I wasn't going to get married etc as he asked me from the beginning because of his ways, so it took 8 years and he showed he had 'changed' and was more chilled out, I fell hook, line and sinker for that one!!!
We are happy most of the time but I guess that's because I'm so independent and don't bother him with anything so in the odd occasion when I need him such as after the babies or my foot I just feel he should be more accommodating of my needs.
All he does is push me to do even more in my career so eventually the question will be what value does he add to our lives.
I'm a HR Business Partner, so haven't done too badly and he works in civils contracting, so when we first met he was earning ok money but no where near as much as now, I've supported him in his career surely because I've not held him back and allowed him to do it.

I would try to get copies of his financial records and ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship. Then see a solicitor.

I am a dad who works away. I am quite insecure about money and want the mortgage gone, pension funded and kids set up. I loath being away (2.5hours) and drive back mid week - sometimes though I am so knackered I stay back until Saturday morning.

I do not care much for my wife's family as they inherited substantial sums of money but talk as if they have exceptional insight into success at work.

I have an expectation of what I should provide for my family and seek to provide that.

I could be accused of being bitter that my wife gets all the time with the kids, gets to live in our beautiful house.

If I sit back and reflect I chose where we live, I have the insecurity and in the final analysis I turned down the job 20 miles away because I felt the job I already had was more secure. Looking after children is no walk in the park but it takes quite a bit of thinking about it to realise that and maybe your partner does not.

I do not know if the self employed nature of your partners work means he can only work in (say) London and you live along way from there. Some niche self employed jobs can only be done in certain locations.

Your partner may well be acting unreasonably but it maybe for reasons of insecurity, of worrying about money, about missing home. It would be difficult for me to talk to my wife much without a row on this topic but after some years of careful dancing round we understand each other better.

Your partner could be an arrogant arse but he could want to be with you a great deal but money worries and a sense of responsibility to provide drives him to be away.

My husband is old school and feels it's his job to provide, but if he thinks that then he shouldnt try to belittle me by making snide comments about money. The only time I've had off work is because of maternity.

I've never had a problem with him working away but on the very odd occasion like now it would have been appreciated if he helped out a bit more.
He could get work within a couple of hours but not paying as much but still good money, the job he is on now he contracts and the term is 10years, so good continuity of work, so your point on pension fund, kids set up I totally agree. He used to come home Friday evenings and go back Sunday afternoon, but due to childcare he changed his shifts recently to come home Saturday and go back Monday, he said to help me out, but I put him right and said they are our children so he needs to do his bit. This has worked in his favour as traffic is much better on these days, he travels to and from Somerset to our home in Kent.

I am aggrieved my family never interfere and have only ever helped us out but he forgets that.
If I was to approach him with my feelings, a normal couple would be able to discuss it without the fear of what it would erupt into, and that's exactly what would happen in this case, he would use his finest language and mention divorce, and I guess I'm just getting a little sick and tired of his pettiness, everybody has a limit and my feelings are he should be careful what he asks, because he may just get it. He always says 'I have a passport and a beer waiting for me in Bali'!!!

It's great to get your point of view, thanks.

I struggle to discuss sensitive things with my wife. Pride gets in the way - we have a lovely life in many ways ergo discussing an "issue" is bad. I think we are entirely normal.

I would not reflect too long on what is discussed in that hypothetical normal relationship. To give an example we had friends where Mrs described the deep love and understanding she had with her husband (I thought he was a knob because he came across as super enthusiastic and supportive mr perfect) A true pursuit, romance and courtship leading to two children and 15 years of loving sharing marriage. Turned out he was a serial adulterer, a good liar and a coward. When it came to light (a jilted lover had revenge) he blamed his wife for bringing on a mental illness in him. The point is in my view at least there is no such thing as a "normal" relationship.