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Sister competition

20 replies

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:12

There are 4 kids in my family, I'm the 3rd, I have two sisters they are in 1st and 4th positions and my brother is the 2nd.
We all went to boarding school, first I went with my older sister in Northern Ireland, then I went with my younger sister in England. Coming home for holidays my sisters dominated conversations with my parents and I learnt to keep quite, I have never really talked to anyone in my family about my feelings or problems.
I'm divorced, I didn't tell my family anything until we were separated. The other day I had a problem with my older sister. She Is te type of person who is always competing with you, if my daughter has a problem, her daughter has had it worse, when I told her I was getting divorced she started talking about how if her husband divorced her how she would suffer?? I can't say anything she has to trump it!
On Friday she must have been texting the little sister about me, and copied something I had texted her to the little one, but sent it to me by mistake. It's not the first time she's done this, it just was really the last straw I'd had enough, so I told the little one, who wrote back to me telling me off!! She's always bitching about the older one to me, but when I say something she tells me off!! Now I don't know what to do. I live near the older one but hardly ever see her. It really won't make much difference to my life if I never see her again. The little one lives near my parents, when we go to see them we have to wait at their house until we are invite round to hers, or she comes to see us, often we can be there for a couple of days before we see her, she literally lives 3 mins drive away, but her life and kids are the only thing that's important to her, she comes round to mum and dads and talks about herself and her kids, she doesn't show any interest in me or my family, we only go to see them once or twice a year so it's not as if she sees us often. I'm sometimes embarrassed, my kids are adults now and think she's really rude. What should I do??

OP posts:
Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:13

Hi I'm new and need some help!!

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DonkeyOaty · 21/07/2017 11:20

Why bother with them?

They don't bring much joy to your life.

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:24

But they are my sisters?

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 11:26

Take a step back from them, should help with the hurt when they treat you like shit. Grant them less importance in your life.

DonkeyOaty · 21/07/2017 11:29

So what if they're your sisters. They sound deeply unpleasant.

It really is okay to step back and not be angling for their attention.

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:30

I would love to do that, the only problem is my parents are both 87 and are getting old, weak and the sisters are expecting me to help which means seeing them both, they are in charge

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 11:32

They are only in charge if you let them be.

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 11:33

Welcome to MN by the way, sorry Smile Brew

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:36

Thanks for the welcome! Pity I'm in a bad situation!

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Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:38

Do you know my older sister wrote to me about what she'd done, but what I thought would be an apology turned into accusations and how she's suffers when I don't talk to her!!

It's comedic, is that a word? She really turns every situation into hers.

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 11:44

It sounds as though everyone has their role to play in your family & you have had the role of the scapegoat since childhood, its not going to change without you making it change but if its been ongoing for most of your life then changing it is no easy thing.

Try to take a step back a bit so it upsets you less, remember you are equal to them. If you feel like it, next time text the older sister back with a 'what the fuck are you doing talking about about me' text & tell you little sister to shut up if she tells you off, you are no longer 8! Who do they think they are, its a very unhealthy dynamic & one that's possibly been supported by your parents so has been 'approved' for all these years.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/07/2017 11:44

It really is down to you how much you let them treat you badly.

I'd step away from them and keep contact as low as possible and only interact with them on your terms. And next time little sister bitches about older sister, tell her off (use her phrasing to boot!).

It doesn't matter what they expect from you, if it doesn't work for you do not engage.

Only you can change how you respond to their behaviour.

And your children are right your little sister sounds very rude.

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:47

You are so right!! On the everything! You've read me right too, i just don't want to upset the Apple cart, so I keep my head down. I'm actually a different person when I'm with my family, than when I'm not.

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Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:50

My parents think I don't have a real job, I'm an English teacher in Barcelona, my little sister is a doctor, she is so much more important and has so much responsibility, I on the other hand, I'm just playing!

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 11:56

If you told your parents how you have always felt undervalued, what would they say? Would they deny it/rewrite your history & tell you you're wrong/agree with you/apologise?

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 11:57

My parents would say I was talking rubbish

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Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 12:01

I haven't been in touch with the oldest since her 'apology' I haven't replied. The youngest sent me pictures of her son on holiday, I don't know why, I think they are testing, seeing who I'm writing to. I did reply to her.

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 21/07/2017 12:08

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2940513-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Have a read of this ^ sweetheart, its called the Stately Homes thread & is a thread for adult children of toxic parents/toxic childhoods, it may resonate with you & feel free to post on it as they will recognise exactly what you are talking about & will support you. They have been there.

You can't carry on like this, if your parents live to reach 100 then its another 13 years to live in this dynamic before it changes, it can't do you any good.I'm wondering where your brother stands in this as well & whether he has distanced himself from it all?

I'm off to school for a leavers assembly, so I can't reply now but I'm not ignoring you xx have a look at Stately Homes & talk to them as they will also be much more help than me Smile Brew xxx

Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 12:11

Thank you so much 💚💚

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Onmyownagain321 · 21/07/2017 12:31

I realize after reading about toxic families that it's not just my sisters it's the family. Coming home from boarding school my mother wouldn't let us argue, everything had to be perfect, the perfect family. I can see where all this stems from.
And my brother is goi g through a painful divorce right now too, and guess who is going to tell me parents? Of course they don't know anything, the little sister says it would kill them, she tends to exaggerate, anyway the two sisters are going to tell my parents, not my brother.

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