Consent order and maintenance...help!

[Steve71]

Hi. Just joined after heating good things about this site.

I wondered if anyone can help or give me a mother's perspective on the following:

My x and I are recently divorced and we have 3 kids. Im actually paying more maintenance than I should be as my son stays with me regularly but I haven't contested this as my x has turned very nasty and I don't want her to stop me seeing my 10 year old son altogether.
My son plays football and his subs were due. My x refuses point blank to pay them in an attempt to get more money out of me and a total disregard for my son's feelings as my x will often use him to pass messages and ask for money even though I've officially asked her to stop doing this, both personally and via my solicitor.
I even offered to pay these subs and taken the money back via the maintenance over a number of pay days....but she still refused.

So on my last pay day I deducted the football subs from her maintenance and paid the subs.....I have receipts.

Has anyone been in this situation? My x is completely irrational at the moment so I'm expecting repercussions.

[Dukesofhazzard]

Is this extra on top of maintenance? Does she have her own income that she should be able to afford the football subs?

[Steve71]

Yes, she wants me to pay on top of the maintenance. Obviously its no longer my business but she had a reasonable wage and has had a 5k pay rise since our divorce. She has also moved her mother in and gets free childcare. Her mum is majorly funding her solicitors fees, she actually argued about an electric toothbrush through solicitors.

[Dukesofhazzard]

What's the deleted messages about? Unfortunately because you're a man you'll probably get slaughtered on here(I've seen it before). A lot of people here, truly believe ex-wives can do no wrong. All I can advise is, when my ex used to pay maintenance(he doesn't pay anything anymore and I can't be bothered chasing him up) if my DC needed anything costly, I would ask him to split the costs with me and keep receipts etc for proof, he did it a couple of times before saying he couldn't afford it any more. As he was only paying £30 p/w his maintenance didn't stretch far and I ended up paying for most things.

Do you think she would be willing to pay half along with your half for these things? Or do you feel it should all come out of maintenance?

[Steve71]

Thanks for the replies Dukes. I'm actually paying 848 every 4 weeks and his subs totalled 205. I take him to training twice a week and his matches on Saturdays and Sundays which can be anywhere in the county. This means I pay more than 205 a year for his football in fuel and food etc but I wouldn't be petty enough to bring this up with my x....I just do it because I love him and his football makes him happy. ....and he is good at it. If she had actually come back and offered to pay half I may have gone with that. But she hasn't and was purely trying to get more money out of me or the chance to say to my son that he can't play football this season because evil dad hasnt paid.
When we discussed the maintenance amount I realised she was asking for 32 quid less than she should.....I pointed that out to her and corrected it......trying to be a good dad and do the right thing. Like I say I also know I'm paying over 80 quid too much now because of my son's regular stays with my but wouldn't meniton it in case she stops me seeing him altogether.
I always make myself available to the kids and am on time etc if I am seeing them and financially I can't see what more my x could want for.
I understand what you say Dukes about blokes getting a hard time on here but I'm used to it ;-)
Thanks Dukes

[ladyyyglittersparkles]

I think it's a fucking joke tbh how idiot women can use their kids as a pawn against decent fathers and claim maintenance. Imagine how much legal aid money would have been saved if they couldn't have done that all these years. I say this as a woman who's been cheated on and fucked about and never ever stopped my DD seeing her dad!!

[Steve71]

Sorry to read what happened to you lady. I was cheated on so I know it's not nice. It's admirable that you still managed to do the right thing regarding your kids seeing your ex under those horrible circumstances.
You are absolutely right in that it seems some people can't help put their emotions in front of the needs of the kids.

[Fairenuff]

I don't think you should have paid his subs out of her maintenance money. That money is for her to decide how best it should provide for the children. You have effectively taken that from her and chosen to spend it on something that she might not be able to afford.

How much does she have left for all three children that month?

[StorminaBcup]

Is it an option to see a mediator and discuss how future obligations such as subs will be dealt with in future? I'm guessing the divorce has been finalised?

I can see why you've done what you've done but deducting money from her maintenance was probably not the best way to go about it.

[Steve71]

Hiya storm

It was agreed that I would pay the lump sum with no obligations for other costs but of course that's not how it works in reality.
I know it wasn't the best way but have tried everything to do things amicably since I left the house but my ex is just unreasonable.
She has refused mediation regarding access with my 10 year old and changes access or sends him away up north without telling me. I can't get her to be fair about access let alone anything else Storm.....I have really tried and it was a last resort to do what I did. But a line had to be drawn and I wasn't prepared to let her play emotional games with my son just to get me to pay his subs.

[Steve71]

Hi fairenuff

I pay her 848 every 4 weeks and trust me she has more than enough money to have paid the subs.

The 205 for my son's football is less than 2% of what I pay for him yearly. It's not about the money with her.

[Fairenuff]

If it's not about the money, then I'm not sure what you're asking

[StorminaBcup]

In that case you have two options:

1. Go back to your solicitors and agree any financial obligations with regards to your sons hobbies - if this has not already been discussed as part of your divorce agreement. Perhaps consider the same with access rights if this is not working for you or your son.
   

1. Continue as you are and put your son first. He'll be wanting to hang about with mates in a few years and within another 10 he'll be moving away from home for Uni or getting a job.
   

I have no personal experience I'm afraid. Perhaps someone will be along with a helpful 3rd option for you.

[Steve71]

Hi fair

It was asking if anyone had experience of this type of thing.

I hasten to add that I left my ex the house for the sake of the kids and my ex has also got a large cut of my pension. She is financially set up.

[whydotheygetawaywithit]

Hi Steve

Havent got experience of your set up - my parents divorced years ago and he only agreed to divorce if she agreed to no maintenance. She didn't challenge that as understandably didn't have the emotional resilience. He was a really difficult man. He also didn't then have contact with us until we were adults. We were still in junior school when he left.

Anyhow back to you. For your peace of mind, I would let the football subs go. Accept you pay them on top of your maintenance and enjoy it being your thing you do with him. Even if your were still married you would be taking him here and there so it does seem a bit petty to moan about the distance. My son is a teen now and wants to hang out with friends. The time you have limited time left with him wanting to be solely with you and siblings.

However my concern would be that if you accept the subs, this may spread to other things and that would not be ok.

Enjoy the football with your son. Actively be part of this. He will remember and value that. You can only change yourself and your responses, not her unfortunately.

Good luck. I hope things get easier for you.

[Fairenuff]

Yes, I think you have to separate the maintenance money from your difficult relationship with your ex. They are two separate things.

If you have agreed between you that you pay £70 per child, per week then you should not be using some of that money to pay for something else. You should pay it to her, as agreed and let her decide what the children need. Need is a priority.

If you think you are paying too much, then you need to take legal advice.

[Toffeelatteplease]

I have some experience of this

The maintenance is for your ex to bring up your children. The CMS amount is a minimum, some pay over, centainly not all. It is not up to you to dictate how she spends this money. If she decides not to spend it on football subs she has every right to do so.

Assuming you are only paying the minimum you have no right to deduct the football subs from maintenance. That would make you a shit. This is regardless of how mUch you spend on the hobby generally . It is your choice to spend that much on football .

If you are paying at least £205 pounds over the CMS amount you have every right to deduct it and that would be fine. Your still paying maintenance at at least the minimum amount.

It really it that simple.

[Steve71]

Hi all

Thanks for the replies.

You may have missed the bit earlier when I said that I pay 848 quid every 4 weeks. This is the correct amount if I had no contact.
But I do so am paying 80+ quid too much every 4 weeks but dare not mention it incase my ex stop's me seeing my son altogether.
Only last Thursday I was out with my daughter and took her shopping for stuff for her holiday.
I am not a mean stay away dad. I love my kids and am here for them. But I have a very spiteful ex who became extremely spiteful when I caught her cheating whilst we were married.
I know not all of that is relevant to this scenario but it gives some background before I am judged too much on here.

Thanks again for the replies.

[Fairenuff]

None of that is relevant to the agreed maintenance. If you want to change the amount of maintenance you pay, you should re-negotiate (via a solicitor if necessary).

I still think that you should not use the agreed maintenance money yourself. You should pay that to your ex as that is the current arrangement.

If you want to change the arrangement, take legal action.