My sexual past

[user1499245898]

Hi I'm new, I often read threads from others but this is the first time I've posted, mainly because I feel that I don't have anyone else to turn to.

My husband and I have been together 15 years (since I was 18) we have 4 children and I have a child from a previous relationship. Generally our marriage has been good and my husband has always been very loving towards me, my children as well as my daughter.

However my nightmare started about three months ago, my husband woke up the one morning really distant towards me and offish, after quizzing him all day over it, he said that he'd had a dream about me sleeping with someone from my past and it made him feel weird. I though it was amusing and he was being silly. However, ever since then this has continued, to the point now where he says my past behaviour makes him feel sick. I had slept with 12 people before I met him, 5 more people than he has. I lost my virginity at 14 and am not proud of how promiscuous I was as a teen, but where I lived it was kind of normal so I never really gave it much thought. I have always been 100% faithful to him and maybe a little too honest, I told him when I first met him about everyone I'd slept with etc. Now he is using every past detail from 18 years ago to make my life hell. I literally feel really dirty, as he comes home from work saying "colleagues wives have only been with 4 men" etc. He says he wasn't like that as a teen and keeps pressing me as to why I was, I can't answer these questions as I can only put it down to me being a teenager. I would never do them kind of things now as an adult.

What also annoys me is that, 3 years ago I found out that he'd (out of the blue) started using cocaine regularly and even having it delivered to our house whilst me and the kids were in bed. I threatened to leave him as he wasn't the person I thought I knew and I'm totally anti drugs, especially when you have kids. He put it down to depression and has been on medication ever since!

I cry about it all the time and the children are starting to notice. At one point it was making me have obsessive thoughts, reliving every sordid detail of my past sexual experiences, even when I was at work. I have made him go to see a Cbt therapist but it's not for a few weeks. I just feel that all these things I've done were way before I'd even met him, he did the whole drugs thing when I was with him and I stood by him. I feel so low, I don't know what to do.

He's being emotionally abusive. And a total prick.

Do not tolerate this in any way.

His behaviour is not love.

You could leave him over this, that's how bad his behaviour is.

He sounds horrible and has no right to make you feel dirty or ashamed. You've done nothing wrong. Not when you were a teenager, and not now.

Comparing the number of sexual partners his wife has had with his colleagues' wives is creepy, disrespectful, pathetic behaviour. Comparing the number of partners you've had compared to him makes me think he'd feel justified in being unfaithful to you in order to 'even things up' in his insecure little mind. I'm sorry.

I could not stay in a marriage like this, and I certainly wouldn't want to expose my children to it long-term.

I really feel like it at the moment but it's so difficult when you have so many young children and a mortgage etc. No one knows as I feel embarrassed by it, when my children ask what's up? it's not like I can tell them the reason I am naggy with him, so everyone including my children just see it as me being vile to my husband.

If I really get upset, he promises he will stop and not mention it again but he just acts distant towards me to the point where I know that he is still looking at me in disgust. So then I go mad at him and we argue again!

Is he still using? I'd be concerned he was still using, tbh. Families anonymous might be a good avenue of support for you.

That's the thing, I don't know? I didn't know in the first place as he is usually so health conscious it was a total shock to me and everyone who knew him. Also because he claimed he only used due to him being clinically depressed people felt sorry for him. I have suffered for many years with mental health issues, anxiety and panic attacks etc. And I can't pick and choose when I'm feeling low, when I am ill I can't do anything, he has no problem going to the gym or out with friends etc.

I would bet good money he's using again.

He's a prick either way though. You're going to have to have a chat with yourself and ask yourself just how much you're going to let someone kick you.

I know, I need to give my head a wobble. Why would this all of a sudden be an issue though? That's the bit I can't work out? If it didn't matter in the early days why all of a sudden now?

Cos it's convenient. He was looking for a stick to beat you with. He's grasped this with both hands and is beating away.

Like I said, this isn't love. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. He wants out. But he has no intention of looking like the bad guy. This way he can paint you as a whore even though you've been blameless in your marriage.

He's going to make you suffer till he lines up your replacement.

I'm on double figures for my sexual past. A mixture of short and long relationships and a fair few ONS. My partner didn't expect me to be a virgin I was a single mum when we met. We have both talked about our pasts. He prefers tbf not to know too much information and it's my past not who I am now. He would never judge me for who I was. Your DH is unreasonable and cruel. If you have discussed this before and he keeps behaving this way he is a knob. I can't see a happy ending as this will crush your feelings for him. It will erode your self esteem eventually and affect your MH.
Can you talk to a friend in RL?
I'm sorry you are going through this. It absolutely isn't your fault. I would also suspect he is using again

Here's the link to FA - famanon.org.uk/

Womens Aid could probably offer advice too - www.womensaid.org.uk/

Like Elspeth says, it's not really about your past, but he can see it's an effective tool for destabilising you. I suspect he is using - I would look to outside organisations for help because he will make you think you're losing the plot without good support around you.

Well I have taken you're advice and have currently been sweating my arse off disabling his gym in the garage! I couldn't unhook his punch bag so I resorted to cutting it down with a Stanley knife. I am taking all of his stuff to the tip. Maybe he will start to take more notice if I resort to not putting up with anymore of his shit! I kind of feel empowered, dislike being filthy from the dust of trying to knock the hook from the ceiling with a hammer!

Ignore my typos please I can't work out how to edit?