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What is your opinion on the end of my marriage?

3 replies

Utopiamum · 02/07/2017 23:57

So I left my husband 2 months ago and have had mixed feelings about it since. I feel guilty and responsible for the effect it will have on the children and really nervous about my future. I didn't really know why I was leaving at the time - there were no arguments, but I was not happy and now I am. I will never go back but I guess I am looking for justification of my actions - so I can look my kids in the eye one day (when there older) and tell them I did the right thing.
So we have been married for 9 years and together for a few more than that. The first few years of marriage were great. We had fun and got along great. Then we decided to have a baby and we're so happy. After our son was born I struggled - I was very detached and overwhelmed and felt isolated. I did not communicate this to my husband as I didn't know how to/what was going on, but I was obviously very unhappy. When our son was 3 months old he took a job that meant more money but meant living away 2 weeks at a time at work and then home for one week. I wasn't happy about it but he promised me he would do it for one year, get some experience in that industry and then change to something that meant being home more.
During that year my self esteem plummeted and I was lonely and isolated. My husband in contrast grew in confidence and was happier than I have ever seen him. At the end of the year he said he would do one more year before changing roster, which went on until he said he forgot he ever told me he would change roster and that as the best paying company in that industry he wanted to stay there for the money. He still works that same roster.
By the time our son was three I asked him to leave and we separated for a year. He had become aggressive and derogatory towards me, often ignoring me and getting irritated with me over small things. He did not make any time for us when he was home. But through the 12 month separation he made a big effort to change and seemed remorseful so we got back together and I fell pregnant with our daughter. But struggling with an issue at work, he yet again began heavily drinking and losing his cool with me and our son until 2 days before my daughter was born he lunged at me threatening to hit me during an argument. It scared him as much as me and he sought help and was put on anti depressants which changed him for the better. For a few years things were ok - but I felt resentful for things he had said and done in the past and he was still not around a whole lot anyway. To make matters worse he continued to show a lack of interest in any family time, opted out of any family trips and once after booking a rare holiday away camping he announced the day before that he wasn't coming. I took the kids on my own. He often goes to bed before the children do because he is tired and sleeps for a few hours or more through the day when he is home to catch up from his nightshift. He spends all his time doing things outside that mean even when he is home I am inside with the 2 kids alone because they either don't want to do what he is doing or it is not safe for them. If he goes anywhere he never takes them both, just one or the other. We have grown apart thanks to all the time we have spent away from each other and he is so inflexible with doing anything that doesn't suit him. I don't love him anymore but I feel guilty for leaving - for him because of all the effort he has made to change and also for the children. We didn't argue or fight in the end we just had no communication whatsoever and I totally gave up trying after years of pushing for things to improve. What would you have done in my situation?

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 03/07/2017 00:16

I think you've done the right thing. Very glad to hear you're happy now Flowers

Butterymuffin · 03/07/2017 00:21

I think it sounds like it wasn't working at all, and the best thing to do now would be to move on and co-parent as best you can.

If what you're asking is 'did I try hard enough?' then yes, I think you did.

Vickylou78 · 26/07/2017 15:32

From what you've said I think you've done the right thing. You need to be happy and have a partner that will spend the time 'loving you' back and we all have to compromise. It sounds like he may have been worried about the money so taking the difficult work shifts but money isn't everything is it. I hope you are ok and happy x

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