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Advice please?

11 replies

catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:25

So I'm new here. I am a step mum to three girls whom I have a very warm relationship with. Their mother causes a lot of strain on mine and my partners relation which can make things hard but we work through them.

Now it's the eldest daughters birthday in September, she's going to be 14. My partner has bought him and her a concert ticket to go and see a band that I also love and told me I'm not invited. 'Gigs' are something that my partner and I have always done as a couple and is our special thing. To be told I'm not invited to what is normally special to us a couple for her birthday has really upset me. I understand he wants daddy daughter time which id always encourage and care for the other two so he can't have that but why does he have to replace something special to him and I. I'd happily have her come along now she's old enough, I love them all dearly but I feel completely under appreciated and like a spare part no longer needed now his eldest is old enough for these things. Just want some opinions. He said I'm being unreasonable (please note he often does something nice with them on their birthdays end excludes me). I feel like I'm good enough to be about for the day to day things with them but not good enough to celebrate their birthday. We have been together for five years and I'm struggling coping with this particular situation

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 22/05/2016 11:27

I think you have to remember that it is your step daughter's birthday, not yours.

legotits · 22/05/2016 11:33

Agree with Soup here.

It's her birthday treat so let this one go.
Make sure to invite her along with you both to gigs to show you enjoy her company and share an interest and it'll change next year Smile

catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:34

Thanks for your fast response! I'm aware of that. He's taken her to lots of things I'd have like to have done for birthdays and i have never been so upset. However going to concerts Is the only thing we do as a couple and I feel completely excluded. There was no discussion I was just told that I couldn't go to something that's special between my partner and myself. They do lots together for bonding time but live music is something my partner and I really connect with. Am I just there to do school runs and clean up after them rather than do fun things with them?

OP posts:
catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:38

Thank you. I'd love her to come with us! I love them all dearly. My partner can't see why I'm upset and feeling unwanted now she's old enough. Guess I'm just scared that I'm not needed anymore

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legotits · 22/05/2016 11:41

Aye Cath for the time being you just come as a side kick to dad who their Mam gets pissed off about Grin

It'll get better as time passes and you will get a thick skin for the blips.
Try not to compare it to your couple thing and put it separate in your mind as a b day treat.

catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:45

I guess. The children get upset and ask where I am if I'm not about for dinner and things just can't get to grips as to why he'd want to shut me out of special occasions. I have no children of my own (I can't have them) so their milestones and celebrations are so important to me. Just want to be a part of their memories and celebrations. Feel like I deserve that you know?

OP posts:
catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:45

Thanks for your advice

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legotits · 22/05/2016 11:51

I would be peeved too, the thing you like best with the people you like best and you are being sidelined!

Chances are though that it didn't get that much thought from your DP. He could just think dd birthday = him providing treat.

Book a cheap gig somewhere just you and the girls.
Show your fun side too.

Festival type stuff sounds like the ideal thing in these circumstances.

catherinechas · 22/05/2016 11:58

we had planned to take them to a family festival but their mother said they had plans that weekend (was 6months before that we asked) so we couldn't and then she ended up booking the festival last minute and taking them herself. And as for taking them somewhere with just me I wouldn't want my partner missing out on those memories. Find it very tricky. Hard to keep everyone happy. Thank you for your advice. Really helped!

OP posts:
FlissMumsnet · 22/05/2016 21:59

Sounds like you got some great advice from other MNers, hope it's helped

Starlet1 · 03/06/2016 08:52

Having been in this situation I know how you feel. I know it's the eldest birthday and it is her treat but I understand how hurt you are feeling too.I was even left at home alone on Christmas day once and it tears you apart. Dont let it though, plan something nice for the rest of you to do together that day, even if it's just a pyjama party at home.

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