Can you still be friends with someone who dismisses ADHD as an excuse?

[NobodyAsked]

How do you deal with people who don’t ‘believe’ in ADHD or refuse to understand? This weekend a ‘friend’ told me I should make more effort in my life and I felt dysregulated because I couldn’t explain why I feel so exhausted with daily life. I’m not officially diagnosed but I feel like I could have said I have AuADHD but even then she wouldn’t have understood! I find it so stressful.

It depends. I don’t think everyone does it of course, but for example my partner admits he has used his ADHD (plus Tourette’s) as an excuse/crutch many many times in the past for poor behaviour. He’s been diagnosed since childhood but his family was very neglectful so he never had much support growing up and never learned any tools, strategies etc to cope. A couple years ago he started having frequent counselling and it made a difference.

I do admit I take self diagnosis with a grain of salt though. It may well be right, but you also definitely see trends online throughout the years (ADHD being the most recent one).

Self diagnosis, would have me tutting too.

Not diagnosed due to the stress of managing 2x ND children plus I don’t have headspace to do it or £2k. My whole family is ND and so am I. But that’s not what I came here for. Just answer the question or pass by…why say something unhelpful?

I don't know why anyone is commenting about self-diagnosis, unless they don't have ADHD or autism and were diagnosed before the great rush! It takes years nowadays!
Can you still be friends with them - I can only speak about ADHD but I struggle with this as well. I think once you've had a few chats with them about ADHD (and autism) and they're still saying ignorant or hurtful stuff, you are within your right to cut them out and it might do you some good not to be around them.
Interestingly, I have found friends and even one manager who were the most sniffy when talking about ADHD (they had family or friends diagnosed), were often the ones most likely to have undiagnosed cases. They looked at the symptoms of ADHD and just thought "yeah, but we're all like that, aren't we?". They were frequently very harsh on themselves and everyone around them. Often, they had turned to punishing workout regimes, extremely controlled diets, drink etc to cope.

I personally couldn't be friends with someone who dismisses any of my disabilities.

Rather hypocritically though, I always say hell is other neurodivergent people. This is because our needs clash, not because our needs are any less real. I couldn't cope with someone who is always late for example, even though I understand why someone with time blindness may always be late, because I have a very rigid routine. My own lateness sends me spiraling, but at least that is somewhat within my control. When others are late I have no control and my own autonomy is impacted.

I also didn't know much about neurodivergence until my son was diagnosed. I was diagnosed a year later. I wouldn't reasonably expect people who have no experience with it or third hand experience to really understand the mechanics of how they are disabilities.

I think if they are repeatedly dismissive you have every right to cut them off. Having said that, the average person will have extremely limited knowledge around the nuance of hidden disability. It's whether or not you can be arsed to keep educating. No easy solution!

It’s because no one actually knows if they have something unless they have an official diagnosis. There are lots of people who think they have it but probably don’t. Before I was diagnosed I didn’t go around saying I had AuDHD, I said I may have. My 5 year old dd is in the king waiting list at the moment and I don’t say she has it, I say she might and she’s been referred.

A friend who tells you that you need ‘to put in more effort’ doesn’t sound like a supportive friend to me. I’d probably ditch her, if it were me.

"no one actually knows if they have something unless they have an official diagnosis" - I understand what you're saying, that we can never be sure but I think many of us did know before diagnosis. In fact, for so many of us we were the only ones who spotted it. I went through so many counselors, GPs, therapists and psychologists who didn't spot it - mostly because girls and women weren't even understood to have ADHD in the 80s and 90s (at least within NHS practices). Taking into account the huge waiting lists for ADHD and ASD and in some cases, areas in the UK that have paused accepting further referrals, I think it's fair to cut the undiagnosed adults some slack here. If they think they have it, I think we have to understand why they may not yet have a diagnosis. I always wonder at how many AuDHD and ADHDers were able to get it together with all the paperwork, hoop jumping and sustained focus over years to get that final diagnosis. I don't think we need to gatekeep here, we need to support and believe people. My son is also on a waiting list and I know the DSM-5 backwards and diagonally by now - with the 70-80% genetic heritability of ADHD taken into account, it's very likely he's a clear case. Of course, I know a trained psychologist with relevant experience in ADHD would be diagnosing him but with family and friends we speak about the ADHD traits that are there. However, in your case I know AuDHD can be more nuanced, so I would also refrain from assuming this.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was a dick about a disability, whether I had that disability or not.