Accidently hacked/scaffolded my life

[aquarimum]

Wondering if this resonates with anyone.

I think my life might have accidently scaffolded me against ND traits that are only now becoming obvious because I can't scaffold my relationship with my children against them. All my life I've studied in or worked in heavy duty academic environments that are almost set up to handle ND people, and where I am very much "normal". And looking back on my behaviours that generally slip under the radar (compulsive data collection, sensory seeking via exercise and clothes labels, and loads of other stuff i do apparently because I enjoy it but it turns out it's because it's how to get my brain to work), it feels like the only way I got away with it is because those behaviours were either socially acceptable (e.g. exercise) or normal for my environment. I also appear to have hacked people - I constantly have a background analysis running and it's like i'm treating them as an algorithm, I don't even realise I'm doing it.

By pretty much every objective measure I am successful, but my people algorithm isn't working for my relatinoship with my kids - I think it's clear that it's missing something that I can't articulate. And it's brought everything else into a kind of focus.

Does resonate with anyone else?

What type of ND are you thinking? There’s lots of ND conditions under the ND banner. I do resonate a bit with your post, I’m diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and would be classed as ‘high functioning’, I have DH, DCs and a good job and was late diagnosed. It’s common for some traits to come out more during different life stages. But part of the criteria for both ASD and ADHD is traits present in childhood, and for significant difficulties in your life. I very much did have traits in childhood, and significant difficulties both in childhood and adulthood, it just wasn’t well known about female presentation and high masking traits. However if I was a child today I would have no doubt I would have got a diagnosis at a young age. Does that sound the same for you?

This academic environment sounds amazing. I'm in totally the wrong place.

I was dx with ADHD and after a few years I realised I'm possibly autistic. I read about personality theory years ago and I analyse everyone based on it automatically . It also made sense as I go into shutdowns where I can't communicate.

In regards to communicating with your kids, I think it's just acknowledging their point of view. You love them so you're probably blinded to seeing them as separate beings to you.

To be honest I am too ignorant of the entire ND field to even know where to start. Not a lot causes me impairment, but my life is very well set up to accommodate me, if that makes sense?

I did not do well with friends/other people as a child, but I got better at that as I got older. I still struggle with people who are not like me, but my family (academics mostly) and my work environment (academics) are like me. Friends are interesting - I consider myself to have good friends but I find spending time with them, even if it's enjoyable, is -effortful? I'm always running calculations on whether i'm saying the right thing or is it time for me to shut up and let them speak? I constantly interrupt people. But I work with quite a lot of people who do the same when we are talking and it works and noone says anything about it, and I never spend huge amounts of time with my friends (by design? who knows?) so I generally have a good time and then go home.

Stupid things I did an online ND questionnaire and I had ticked no to the questions about collecting information - it said something about collecting information about train timetables or such like, and my DH said basically WTF and pointed out i built a relational database of 200 imaginary ponies as a ten year old and have records of almost everything I've eaten and spent since at least 2018.

My relationship with my kids is where I notice the cracks. It's like I can do the "are you hungry? i can make food", "is it dirty? i can wash it". But I struggle to hang out with them. I struggle to watch TV, and I can't do things that don't interest me. And the things I do like to do, I like to do by myself, so I don't see how to do them with other people, because I don't want to do them with other people. My DH also had a serious berevement and I had no idea what to do with it, which really upset him. I just didn't know what was expected of me, IYKWIM? Had no idea how to provide emotional connection or comfort. WHich makes me sound like a total bitch.

What online questionnaire was it and what was the outcome? Often they are similar to the screening forms used to see if you get out through to assessment stage.

For significant difficulties, you may well have had some but not realised it could be connected, or it’s your norm. For example I school refused and self harm as a child/teen, which is very common with late diagnosed ND women, but lots of us were assumed to have mental health conditions like depression and anxiety and ND wasn’t thought of at the time. I have huge problems with ADHD paralysis and struggle to make myself do every day things at times like having a drink or initiating going to bed or having a shower. Again never thought that was related to ND until I went through assessment. Does that resonate?

I have ADHD and I struggle with aspects of interacting with my children that I find boring e.g. imaginative play or listening to a monologue. I enjoy being outdoors with them though and I enjoy teaching them things, reading to them, building Brio tracks and Lego. I did force myself to do imaginative play when they were tiny but stopped once they had other opportunities e.g. a sibling or school friends. Is this the sort of thing you mean?

Kind of. I wasn’t good at imaginative play either but i find it harder the older they get. I don’t enjoy reading to them or teaching them things - those aren’t things that I would ever think to do as an enjoyable way to pass the time, if that makes sense? And as they get older, it feels like there’s more things that we should/could be doing together as a family and I … just can’t. Does not compute. Television is a classical example - DH and the DCs have been watching TV shows together and I just can’t watch them, the best I can do is be in the same room reading. I just can’t get my brain to engage, can’t bring myself to sit there for that long. And then they talk about the shows and it’s another thing I don’t get. Or they’ll sit and play computer games together and I last about five minutes before I have to get up, it’s like my brain needs to be all in on something otherwise it just abandons ship. I’m okay adjacent with them, but not engaged with them? And I’d probably include my DH in this, but I don’t feel it so acutely because he’s a grown up. I feel I’m letting my children down horribly.

it was the RAADS questionnaire I did, and came out with a score of 118.

I think I’m kind of the opposite as long as it’s in my frame of reference. Like my model of the day is get up -> breakfast ->get dressed etc. so if it’s time to have a drink, I have a drink. If it’s not a drinking time, I don’t have a drink. So if it’s something that I can’t build into my system, that’s when it doesn’t happen?

Also I went to a very academic secondary school that was a very predictable system, which I knew how to operate in. I knew how to make it work?

Also thank you everyone for your replies. I’m feeling a bit fragile and a bit stupid about all of this, and you’re being kind.