Adult friendships

[Soolla]

Has anyone any thoughts/experience /articles they would like to share about adult neurodivergent friendships?

I am middle-aged and am finding friendships quite difficult. I have lots of acquaintances and am fine with small talk and general "passing the time of day" for example when walking my dog but have noticed my deeper friendships have been changing in recent years. People I care about and have been friends with for years, maybe decades are falling away and I'm not comfortable asking why. Sometimes after spending time with people I consider good friends, I feel quite deflated and do that ruminating thing after seeing them (they don't get in touch as much as they used to, I've been demoted to "tagging along while they do something they're doing anyway" rather than us spending quality time together, wondering did I say the wrong thing, did they misunderstand, am I not interesting enough...) I am definitely less important to these people than I used to be.

I realise that I'm the common denominator here but don't have anyone I can comfortably ask why this is happening, so I'm asking you. Do you experience anything similar? Do you have any thoughts?

For background, I've been a carer for the past 20+ years but due to a change in circumstances my caring responsibilities are now minimal and I've lots more spare time, which I am trying to make the most of. I do meet people through hobbies etc but am less interested in making new friends than working out why my old friendships are falling apart. I'm not in a big group of friends, they are from different jobs/hobbies etc that I've met over the years.

I've also found the same thing has happened to me.

I think it's because I stopped chasing - since diagnosis I have been experiencing burnout and exhaustion - and I've come to the conclusion that these friends were more important to me than I to them.

I am generally at peace with it but sometimes feel lonely - I then remind myself that I have always found friendships difficult, and recently, dissatisfying, so on balance it is easier to be lonely.

Having said that I'm keeping an open mind regarding newer acquaintances and trying to be more relaxed about letting potential new people in.

I think most of my old friends were friends with the masked version of me, to be honest.

That's a really good point about developing friendships pre-/post-realisation of being neurodivergent, and masking.

I've recently had to stop - like really stop - out of exhaustion. My relentlessly busy friends don't get it, in fact they seem to be ramping up the busyness, starting more things. The common denominator - most of them are on HRT. I'm on a different learning growth path at the moment.

We're all the common denominator in our own lives though. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're causing the drift. Coincidence is also possible.

It is normal for friendships to drift as life changes. I'm always envious of people with lots of friends and who are still in touch with people from decades ago. Then I heard someone say she'd stopped sending Christmas cards to lots of people because it's so expensive and she found herself wondering why she's still sending Christmas cards to colleagues she worked with decades ago. Some of them may conceivably have been sad and confused to no longer receive a card, but it wasn't a rejection of them as such.

I've been dropped before by people I considered good friends. As far as I could tell it was because they were moving into a different phase of their life and didn't want me in it. They were the kind of people who easily made new friends. I'm not.

You mentioned having more time now. Does that mean your friendships had been lighter touch for a while and you're keen to ramp that up? If so, maybe it's just that they were happy with how it had been and don't have capacity to match you?

It could also be that while you were busier their lives moved on a bit without you and that's only now starting to become clear as you're trying to do more.

I'm just speculating without knowing what's going on for your friends. Equally it could all be coincidental and a reflection of things they have going on with them.