Friendship struggles pls help

[Upschittscreek1]

Hi, this is my first post so please be kind! I think I may be ND or maybe have something else like bipolar but either way I know there is something not quite right with me. As a child I couldn't control my emotions at all, would get angry very easily, would also get very jealous. My mum once threatened to send me to a children's home because of my behaviour. Throughout my life I've struggled with relationships and friendships. I used to get really jealous with boyfriends but realised this in my late teens and started doing meditation to calm me down and it worked. I was still was not great with relationships though if we had one disagreement that would be it for me I'd just end it straightaway, or if it was going well for some reason and I really can't explain why I would start sabotaging it and being really off and then (obviously) they would end it. I met a wonderful man at 33 who I knew was amazing and I worked really hard mentally to not be an idiot with him and we have now been together for 16 years and have two children. BUT I'm now nearly 50 and really struggling. Going through perimenopause I'm managing to keep our relationship ok but really struggling with my job (I can't keep up, can't do things fast like others, can't multitask am very methodical) and I have no friends. I've had lots of friends throughout the years, but I can't seem to keep the friendships going? For a start I can only be friends with people who are very similar to me, and then I think they're amazing and want to see them lots but then I suddenly get bored of them and start finding them really irritating?! It hasn't bothered me so much as I'm happy just being with my family but one of my children is 12 and very sociable (also think they are ND but that's another story) and I fear because we don't have people round our house (both me and my partner hate having people round we can just about cope with family) and I don't have any friends I fear this is damaging my child? They have a friend and they want to go round their house all the time and their parents are very sociable and my child loves them and basically prefers to be there rather than at our house 😪 which makes me really sad. How do I fix this?! How do I change?!! I want to be the person who has friends and has friends round my house?! But how do I do it?!!

Hello! Some similarities between us for sure, so I empathise with your situation.

Firstly - you are not the only one feeling like this. I recommend the Mel Robbins podcast, there is an episode where she talks to a friendship expert and the findings from research were that basically we all ‘prune’ our friends every so often and most of us don't have a best best friend, so we just perceive other people have better friends than we do!

• New friends - maybe an experiment here is needed e.g. someone you see regularly at School gates/fitness class but maybe seems not that similar to you - ask if they want to go for a coffee?
• Have you reached out to old friends? I have some I don’t see or have contact with for years at a time but if we meet up it’s like no time has passed.
• The perimenopause thing makes everything harder, so be kind to yourself.
• Some people just don’t like having people over their house and that’s fine. Can you suggest taking the kids out for a play date somewhere?
• Your kid may love the social side at their mate’s house. But if ND too then will really need the calm and quiet and safe space in your own home.

Note that I have not at all suggested having people over if that’s not your thing!

@Nomdebloomhas some great suggestions. I’m having a tricky time at the moment @Upschittscreek1and feel as though nothing is working or making sense.

I don’t really have any answers. Just wanted to give you an UnMN hug xx

Yes I really empathise wirh your post OP.

All my life I've felt , and have known other people have viewed me as, weird . A misfit
Last year, at the age if 72, I was actually given an unofficial diagnosis of autism by the Clinical psychologist who I had eventually been referred to because my social anxiety and isolation had driven me to seek help.

Whereas knowing it "isn't my fault " I can't socialise because that's the way i'm programmed has given me some relief it hasn't really solved anything. Today I went to a workshop about ADHD which has also confirmed as I suspected, I probably have that as well. And again I have found it profoundly upsetting that when I was growing up Autism, Adhd and neurodiversity was not acknowledged.

I totally relate to your fears regarding your children. I felt the same when my DS was growing up. But despite my issues with people he has grown up into an adult with plenty of friends.

I can't offer you any practical help but I do think your children will be ok. Please don't feel guilt because you are as you are. So long as you are giving them a loving and supportive home you are doing a good job as a parent.