Autistic diagnosis to help my adult DS

[kerstina]

I have known for a long time that I was a highly sensitive person HSP, anxiety throughout my life . Severe at times and a constant . Now my adult son is struggling .He has just lost his trainee graduate role and I think he may be like me. I asked chat GPT to try and find out if I was by asking me questions and it said I did I am high masking with empathy. I tried so hard to build my son up so he wouldn’t be like me but I don’t think you can run away from it it’s either there or it’s not . I asked if he wants to come with me for a free assessment but he said No. Is it worth me pursuing a formal diagnosis I only want to do it to help him?

Don’t go by chat GPT. Have you looked at the diagnosis criteria yourself? Autism in females often presents differently to males, which is why for many years it was thought that it was mainly males that had it.

I will have a look at how they differ. It just explains why I feel like I have struggled throughout my life always feeling it was my fault I felt how I did and had to try harder and mask even with friends who I never let get too close as it was so draining . It is coming to the end of my life I don’t want him go through hell like I have. Chat GPT is helping me get emotions out .i have had a severe breakdown in the past and it would explain that but nobody tried to understand me and I have never demanded anything. It is hard for me to be assertive although I can advocate for others

Thank you for replying by the way. I appreciate it.

I just looked at the high functioning autism I am not sure if it fits . Maybe he has just aimed too high and the job is too pressurised. I tried to make sure he was socialised well when he was little so he wasn’t like me. He does like to keep his same friends even though he is popular . He is unassuming though and I feel the company have let him down

I should say they made it clear in his grad role he had to pass exams but what duty do they have to his mental health . He lost his gran prior to the exam but they didn’t care.

Accountancy trainee? It's not uncommon for trainees to be let go after an exam fail (especially if we're talking about Big 4 or Top 10 firms).

Depending on the specifics, it's also not uncommon for people to take up a training contract at a smaller firm with a different culture and finish their qualifications.

Had he passed other exams? Was he doing well otherwise?

I know it is common but he is sensitive like me and I have found life hard because of that and I worry he is going to internalise this . It was a small firm . If he had of passed the exam he would have been safe till his next exam in September. He had lost his nan a couple of weeks before the exam and had recently left home. I lost my job when I was younger and it affected me for years afterwards. Yes ACA exams I know how hard he worked for them and so anxious was throwing up beforehand.

He was in his second year.

They had said he needed to contribute more. I think the exams were taking a lot out of him and there was a lot of socialising expected after work which he did but that can be draining if you are an introvert. He had failed a couple of exams previously but had passed the retakes well over the mark. This was his first attempt at this one

Ok, repeated fails will often trigger dismissal. The previous fails can't have been due to the later bereavement, so what was going wrong there?

It may be worth resitting at his own expense and then looking for another training contract to see him through. But he will need to address the reason he's failing and scraping through.

The "need to contribute more" could mean performance issues. How small was the firm? Top 50? Top 100?

My firm doesn't require socialising outside work at trainee levels although they do some. We would have concerns about repeated fails especially if on the job performance wasn't quite there either. It indicates that either the person isn't pursuing the right pathway, isn't putting the effort in, or isn't a good fit generally.

Understanding exactly what went wrong and how to address that will determine the way forward. Losing a job is a setback for anyone but recovering from that means honestly appraising how it happened, what needs to change and then finding another role. Semi-senior/part qualified moves happen often enough, just don't repeat the same mistakes in the next job.

I have seen people with repeated fails at one firm thrive at another because it was a better fit and they bucked their ideas up. I have also seen people decide it wasn't the right path and do something else - but that is more commonly those who bomb out in the first six months.

If he is introverted choose the firm carefully. Accountancy requires sales skills (winning work) to progress in practice roles. It's often more about people and relationships than numbers. Some roles are less intense for that though.

I thought they were a small firm but when I checked looks like the logo means’s they are number 11. I think his previous fails were because he had not done enough but he was doing really well once he prepped enough. The day of the last exam he had recently moved out of the family home , lost his nan and was feeling rough with a viral infection. He only mentioned the bereavement after he failed exam as I told him too but I guess it all sounds like excuses written down. Anyway it just triggered a nerve in me ( huge anxiety)but I guess I just have to let go and stop trying to protect him. He is so lovely ,kind, beautiful looking , clever but has a gentle spirit and I am not sure this is the right career choice for him but it is his choice.

Of course, you only want what's best for him. That's completely understandable.

I've just double checked and that particular firm is definitely not small. Currently what I am hearing from people who work there is that they are miserable and stressed doing 50-60 hour weeks. I work in a smaller firm with a different culture. Other than in exceptional circumstances our trainees work their contracted hours and there are certainly no expectations to be out socialising frequently.

However, repeated exam fails would cause concern anywhere because it suggests the person may be on the wrong path and will struggle to qualify or reach the required standard. Training contracts are also so expensive they are loss-making in the first years for the employer, so fails increase that cost. After the first fails, we would have had a discussion to understand what the issue was, if support was required or if this wasn't the right path. We do have a termination policy for repeated fails or bad fails. I would expect any firm offering training contracts to have such a policy.

If he still wants to pursue accountancy and has learnt from and resolved the mistakes he made with the previous exams (e.g. it sounds like he under-estimated then and didn't do enough serious preparation), then I'd suggest looking at firms in perhaps the top 60, 50 and 40 and assessing their culture to find a better fit. I would expect most firms in the Top 20 to present similar (or worse) stressors to where he was, so I wouldn't be looking there.

It would be sensible to get a pass for the latest failed exam secured under his own steam to prove himself. He would probably be looking at semi-senior roles and it might also be worth connecting with an agency specialising in accountancy roles.

If he was working in audit and finding the intense client facing nature of that role tough, it might also be worth considering more "back office" roles with less client contact, e.g. accounts preparation, outsourced services, or part of the finance team in a practice (i.e. doing the accounts for the accountancy practice itself rather than for their clients).

If he doesn't want to pursue accountancy anymore then no shame in that. It doesn't mean he won't be successful in another field - I've certainly seen people who struggled to pass their exams, realised accountancy wasn't for them/what they imagined and went on to be successful doing something different.

Lastly, as an ICAEW student he is eligible to access support/services from CABA so that may also be worth exploring: https://www.caba.org.uk/

when I checked again it looked like number 17 not 11 but can you message the letter you think it starts with. On the whole it seems the reviews are good online for working there and they certainly had some exciting and enjoyable socials. Things like the snow dome and award ceremonies.
Thank you for all your info it is helpful I guess I have over reacted and it has triggered my own anxiety but there is no getting away from the fact I could see anxiety in him too , feeling the pressure.

It's a very common trait in neurodivergence to empathise with 'I'm like that too!' and share your own stories. Unfortunately it's often not helpful to others when it's unsolicited sharing.

Stock phrases like - that's really hard, let's work it out together (cognitive empathy) are better than affective empathy (feeling what they are feeling, though that can have its place).

Another v common trait is to ruminate on the past and all the things that have gone wrong.

If there was a bereavement I.e. close relative, he should have been allowed to take bereavement leave. It may also be that as a mam he was less likely to ask for it.

Also with undiagnosed neurodivergence you can also develop learned independence - you do everything yourself, cope yourself, because there's no point asking an NT world for strategies when all your strategies have to be bespoke for you anyway. Asking for help or support can be extremely hard.

Anyway, reflecting on lessons learned is probably the best approach.

There are also schemes like Access to Work who can provide a coach - you don't need a diagnosis for support. Or getting a private coach. I've always done brilliantly when I've had a mentor.

A lady called me from an assessment centre and it didn’t go very well. I couldn’t help getting upset and am sure she would have thought I was totally unhinged not autistic. Just said I needed to speak to a dr first as the assessment might bring up past trauma etc and was it worth paying all that money. I guess they have a duty of care. I am desperately trying not to fall apart have had to wait nearly three weeks for drs appointment which is Monday . Seem to get a handle on the anxiety and then just wake up so anxious in the mornings, horrible nightmares too. At least I am getting some sleep though. I just have to try and let go from DS a bit I guess but can’t stop the catastrophising .

Bless you OP. Hang in there.

Well my GP listened to me and has given me sleep medication which I asked for and sertraline. I wasn’t going to push for the autism assessment but as I got to the door he said he will send me a list of providers under the right to choose so I have selected one and the list is about 42 weeks but at least I will be on it.

That sounds positive and like a step forward. I am glad your GP listened to you - I think that can make a real difference. I hope you find the medication helpful in the meantime. If you can get a few nights of more settled rest it may help you feel a bit less anxious during the day.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing well at managing this and advocating for yourself. Will you have a follow-up appointment with the GP to check in on how you are getting on with the medication?

(I don't want to stir up your anxiety, but to answer your earlier question the firm I was referring to started with the letter M. Sorry, I had typed out a reply when you asked but I can see that I obviously didn't post it. Most firms in the top 10-20 seem to be similar at the moment in terms of hours.

Access to Work is a good shout by a pp, could be useful.)