If you have a diagnosis of autism......can you offer me some advice

[Icybird56]

How are you coping,what are your coping strategies for life ,for interactions with others.
Nearly Every single conversation leaves me upset and anxious that I've said the wrong thing ,caused offence ..
I'm trying so hard to keep my distance so I don't mess up ..but when you see the same people every day ,and the relationship develops,it's hard to keep a distance..I'm worried I'm going to mess up ,
...it's a hobby ..but it's the only time I leave the house ..
How can I keep my distance,while appearing friendly ,but not actually make friends.... because if I mess it up ,I will stop going,and then I'd never leave the house .
I just don't understand how anyone with a diagnosis of autism is holding down a job ,and interacting with numerous people,without constantly pissing people off .
I just don't understand why I'm finding life so hard ,and yet others with the same diagnosis are living a full life ...I think I'm missing something,not doing something right or wrong ..or ..I don't know

Out of interest, why do you see it as "with a diagnosis of autism" rather than "someone who is autistic"?

Just bad wording

The phrase “what other people think of me is none of my business” helped me a lot.

I know that I would never say or do anything to intentionally upset somebody or make them feel awkward or whatever. If it becomes apparent that I have, I apologise, explain it was not intended that way, and move on.

The ruminating and reliving conversations IS exhausting. I’m now in a job where I don’t actually have to interact much, and when I do, it’s all about work and I know what I’m talking about. I don’t really have any interest in developing personal relationships in the workplace so it’s not as mentally draining.

I have found that meditation helps me to break the cycle of ruminating - both whilst I’m doing it, and once I’ve been practising consistently for a while I can “catch” myself when I’m ruminating and stop myself spiralling.

I don’t know if that helps at all, but I’ve worked at this for the 5 years since I’ve had my diagnosis and although I still struggle with coping with the world, incredibly low mood and all the other shit that being autistic comes with, I don’t actually particularly worry about my interactions with other people any more. I kinda just stopped caring because I know I’m a good person and would also just apologise if I hurt somebody.

How do you manage relationships outside of work? I find if I value the relationship whether that's a partner, family or friends it's harder to switch off from it like I can with work colleagues.

I suppose this might be why I don’t have as much difficulty as you - the only relationships I have are with my immediate (from birth) family.

I choose not to have a partner and don’t really have any friends. My experiences of both are that I give everything I have emotionally to support the other person, and have never once got any support at all from people who I’m not related to. Romantic relationships have been abusive, and friends have either disappeared or I’ve ended it when it became clear it was a one-sided situation.

My family have mostly been great though. They listen to and take seriously my own lived experience even if they don’t see or understand my struggles from their own experience. I think we are all pretty emotionally mature and just talk about things as adults, I don’t have the kind of family that argues so there isn’t really any ruminating that happens. Occasionally I feel guilty for needing support, but that also doesn’t last long because I know I would do the same for them and it wouldn’t be a problem at all so there’s nothing to feel bad about.

Is there something specific you’re trying to deal with, or is it just the general reliving and ruminating on every conversation you have?

Yes ,I would never intentionally upset someone,but recently I've caught myself to relaxed with these people,and then utter shit comes out of my mouth ,that I only realise I need to apologise for the next day ..I just cringe at what I say .. usually I keep a tight grip on what I say ,never let myself relax as that's like drinking alcohol..loose inhibitions ..
And I don't want to develop personal relationships either ,but it's getting very difficult to keep them at arms length..it's gone from being a good way for me to exercise,to a social jolly ,that I don't want

I've had to persevere with friends and relationship,as I've no family currently and what I did have was abusive,that I'm in counselling for
But I really need to get some space or I'm going to need a new hobby

I think I'm at the point where I can't be bothered trying to preserve relationships. It's just too draining.
That must be hard if you enjoy your hobby but you have to deal with the people.

It is
I really need the exercise
But I get lached on to ,and the whole session I frequently get a different person doing the hobby next to me ..and taking to me ..when I prefer to do it alone .
And it's these times I end up saying the wrong thing ,and it's causing me stress .
I'm only going for the exercise..but I suspect a lot of them are going for the company..I don't want to be rude .. but sometimes I have been , because I got overwhelmed with no space

I understand that, I go to a hobby group that unfortunately relies on other participants, and it seems people definitely go to socialise and then they meet up at the pub on other occasions. I don't go, I don't want to socialise, I just want to do the hobby.
Can you change the hobby, or reduce how often you go? That's what I did, which helped a bit.

That's a shame you had to go less ..I have bought some headphones I'm going to listen to music,and hopefully a smile and a wave might do the trick

Autism is a spectrum and different people find different things hard. I’m autistic with a diagnosis, and I have a job, a DH, DCs and friends. But I’d never be able to go to a hobby where I don’t know anyone. I’d love to, I need to do some exercise and have something for me, but I can’t go to things unless I’m going with someone I know. So I admire you for that as you’re doing something I can’t.

Wow ..isn't it funny how people with the same diagnosis can be so different
Sometimes I think I don't understand autism at all.
I can't imagine anything worse than going to a hobby with someone.
Friends I meet in a coffee shop for coffee
Exercise is at the sport centre
The two shall never meet together
And that us part of the problem,these people seem to think they are my friends.

When I had my autism results in a report ,they wrote on it ,that I met the criteria for ADHD ..but that they couldn't give me an actual diagnosis,I have to go through NHS again...which I am doing ,been waiting 3 years now ..
Anyway
I do wonder if that is why I don't understand autism very well because I'm all mixed up with ADHD as well.
I don't know how to work out what's autism and what's ADHD for when I have my ADHD assessment

I think that’s part of it though, I would only go with a friend I already have so that I can talk to them and not have others trying to talk to me. I love talking to my friends but really struggle with talking to others in a social setting. Or if someone does try and talk to me I have a buffer of my friend and they can take the lead and I can join in when I can. That’s the only way I talk to others or make new friends, as part of a group with an existing friend leading it for me. I’ve pretty much engineered my whole life that way.

I have ADHD too, the traits do overlap but I also have some which are very much ADHD. Just answer the questions and don’t worry about which is which as that’s their job to untangle.

That's an interesting way of proceeding
I've never had friends untill I was about 40 ..then I started going to toddler groups and forced myself to make an effort, because my child would need playdates ...I specifically targeted mums of children that my child seemed to like .
Never lasted for either of us though
Prior to that ,I usually managed one friend at a time if I was lucky .
At university I made a friend...but looking back she mothered me ,she would cook for me and guard me after to make sure I didn't throw up ( bulimia) and I sort of tagged along with her friends ..but they were never my friends,I was a cling on

Ah ok I think I completely misunderstood what you were asking about!

I would try turning up right at the last minute (or at least waiting until the last minute to go inside/join the group if it’s outside) so there’s no chance for chit chat whilst waiting for the activity to start. I think your idea of wearing headphones is a good one, I think people generally understand that it’s a signal that you want your own space.

If people still try and talk to you, then I’d prepare a phrase in advance to say to them that you know is not rude but is also clear that you’re not wanting to talk. I’m personally comfortable enough to just explain that I’m autistic and don’t always have social energy and that my focus for being there is the exercise, and that it’s nothing personal about them but I’d rather not talk whilst at the activity, but you don’t have to mention it if you don’t want to. You could just say you’re tired or want to focus on the activity, or that you’re not in a chatty mood that day. If you politely do this enough times to enough people they will eventually get the idea and leave you alone.

I do question why you care about what they think. I understand that you don’t want to be rude and feel bad if that has happened when you’re overwhelmed. But beyond that, if your ultimate goal is to be left alone and you don’t want to make friends with these people then why does it matter? If you know you haven’t offended anyone or said anything deeply hurtful then who cares - stop expending your precious energy worrying about it. Do you have self confidence?

Anxiety is very bad today ..
I'm so sick of it
I'm going to do a thread asking how others cope with anxiety
But I've changed user name ,but it's still me

I am autistic and exercise a lot, doing classes. I turn up at the last minute deliberately, and have a few words with the person next to me, but that is it. Some of these interactions have the potential to develop into something more but I don't sweat it, & think I probably give off the vibe that I don't really want that. I am polite, but not over friendly, and pretty quiet really. I wouldn't say that I live a full life sadly, but I have come to accept that I can't. It's hard so I empathise. Since my diagnosis a few years ago, I have a smaller life with less people in it, but I realise that some of those people were not really friends anyway, and I need a hell of a lot of time alone to cope with the harder parts of being autistic, anyway.

This is what I need to do ..arrive just before it starts and music on ,and smile and wave and get on with my exercise