What were the signs/your traits

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

Currently going through an autism & adhd assessment. Pretty sure I've got both. Im a 40 year old mum of 2.

I know autism shows up very differently in various people & different with adults and children. I'm curious - what are your traits? What gave you that light bulb moment?

Is it a private assessment? What are your traits that you think mean you have those conditions?

Also, what do you hope to achieve by having a diagnosis? I don't mean this in a mean way, it's a genuine question

We're going through assessments for our eldest and 11 year old. After reading that more studies are finding genetic links me and my partner have a fun game of blaming each other for their traits. Our eldest likes telling her dad that she thinks he's "got the tism" when he does something quirky or cringes at something completely normal.
The more we had to note down the kid's quirks the more we were both noticing things in ourselves and each other.

I can’t speak for the OP but I’m 38 and going through an adhd assessment and what I hope to achieve is a better understanding of myself, an answer or explanation for some behaviours (past and present) and with a diagnosis you can look for ways to swim with it, not against it. I’m sure OP has her own reasons but those are some of mine.

We are going through an assessment for my son and have realised I am likely autistic (in the typical female way) and my husband is likely audhd. I was extremely shy as a child and remember feeling like I wasn’t a real person and that I had to learn how to be like a real grown up! But learning about it through our son and knowing it is genetic has made us realise although we are undiagnosed.

Undiagnosed, but fairly confident I am ND.
I have very significant food aversions - it’s not quite ARFID, but there are only limited things I will eat.
I don’t really know how to do small talk. I can talk to friends, but with new/less familiar people I really struggle to know how to have a conversation.
My executive functioning outside of work is terrible.
Socially I am very awkward and will usually be the one who says something weird without meaning to.

I'm not going for an adhd assessment as I know I am just undiagnosed I realised I was after getting my daughter diagnosed adhd me and her are so similar and so much makes more sense now to when I was younger I have already learned coping mechanisms and things in place to help me which I learned when learning about my daughters adhd and ways to support her I just do not see the point I'm 35 I needed help 25 years ago seems like a lot of paper work to be told something I already know I don't really understand later diagnosis

Ok, I only ask because I have colleagues who are seeking diagnoses And I just think if you have needs to do things a certain way or adjustments that you would like to make to make your life/job easier, then why not just do those what difference does the diagnosis itself make

Well in a workplace you would need a diagnosis to ask for adjustments relevant to what you have. You can’t say I think I have this they’d want you to be diagnosed. Plus if someone wants a diagnosis why not? Why wonder? If you don’t have one you can’t ever know for certain

Id find it odd in this day and age that an employer wouldn't give you the scope to help improve your work. So if, for example, you have adhd, and you need tasks writing down, rather than telling to you would your employer not agree to write them down/email them?, that's just an example that happened with one of my employees. I didn't need a diagnosis to agree to do that. He had other adjustments that I can't remember now. But again, as long as they were reasonable. I had no objection

I'm same as you OP and with children, recently diagnosed AuDHD. As for symptoms, my whole life is a symptom, everything. And, it would take pages to explain.... In saying that, a few majors include hyper fixated on one thing eg a food, song, tv show, sport, item of clothing, celebrity, hair product, vitamin... Becomes an obsession. Always feel rejected, quilty, hurt, like everybody hates me and thinks I'm an idiot. Can't read anything short of a mumsnet post, as a sentence has to be read ten times over before it sinks in. Always mentally exhausted especially after a social occasion. Impatient and snappy. Can't sit still but can't do anything either like a paralysis where the brain is so overwhelmed I get nowhere. Brain on overdrive, always. Can't just do something eg coffee with a friend eg no, not tomorrow, in two weeks we can schedule it in, as I am extremely inflexible in how I behave and think. And I plan, ruminate, rehearse conversations, stress, until it happens... which it usually doesn't as I cancel because of the distress. Distressed is a good word to describe my brain. All sorts of weird stimming shit too. It's relentless and I sound like hard work lol.

No meds have ever worked, eight to date, so I'm going it alone. But in all that crap comes more understanding and empahty for myself and I'm very lucky in so many ways. Outwardly you would never expect it in me because I present as entirely NT. And so I expect no favours or special treatment and life is, believe it or not, really good, outside of this chaos in my head. Xx

And what if they weren’t “reasonable”? In your opinion? But were reasonable for someone who is neurodivergent? I think you’re coming at this as someone who’s cynical about people being diagnosed late - “all jumping on the bandwagon now!” I bet you say.

Oh yeh i am 100% someone who believes that. But a reasonable adjustment is just that - reasonable. A diagnosis isnt a magic ticket to do what you want. But its not me judging whats reasonable per se but if the adjustment thats needed isnt reasonable in that job then its not going to be agreed.

So i still think that without a diagnosis, if the adjustment is reasonable ( and im only using a workplace as an example here as itsmost commonly where people would need one) then itshouldbe agreed with or without diagnosis.

Editing to add the I think from your message. You are confused about what reasonable means, or what it applies to - it's about the adjustment, not the person that needs it. I might have misread your message, but that's how I understand what you re saying is that it's what's reasonable for you. But that's not the law.

It might be that you’re prepared to make adjustments if a person says they think they are neurodivergent but not every employer will.

The reason so many women - in particular - are being diagnosed now is because a lot of the understanding of adhd/autism when they were at school was based on how boys behave with this type of neurodivergence. Our understanding has progressed massively. And it has always been around.

I am 42, a mum of three and diagnosed with both autism and ADHD this year.

2 of my DC are also diagnosed autistic and one of these is also ADHD combined type.
My DD was desperate to know who else is ND in our family
My dad is almost definitely autistic.

My signs/traits are:
Sensory sensitivities ongoing from childhood. Fabrics, feel of things, aversion to sand, get very overwhelmed by multiple lots of noise eg multiple conversations going on in one room, very bright places/sun. Ate an extremely limited range of foods as a child and teenager. Improved in my twenties and eat a fairly okay diet now though. Anxious- would make myself unwell with anxiety as a child and teen about wg school trips, needed the same reassurance in the same way every night around sleep. Stopped going on family holidays from age 14 ish as too anxious. BUT then managed backpacking between about 18 and 24 when other stresses in my life were at the lowest. Go figure?! Now I can do holidays but they would never be a busy hotel/hotel at all/ joining in type. Self catering, own accommodation.

I've always had friends, usually a few good friends never a large group of friends. Don't manage to "keep" friends eg primary to secondary school, secondary school to uni, change job = not in touch with people from the phase before.

Uni- managed by coming home every other weekend.

Now, struggling with anxiety, executive functioning and disorganisation, still the sensory issues which are worse if I'm tired or anxious.

So for me the diagnoses are allowing me to understand all this a bit better and not feel like a failure, and to try ADHD medication.

My assessment is in a few weeks. I always thought I had inner-anxiety that I covered up well. My son was diagnosed with ADHD after it was raised by his school. The more I read about ADHD, particularly in girls/women the more I realised it described me. I was happy to carry on quietly undiagnosed, so I thought. My family won’t entertain the idea so I don’t bring it up anymore.

There are ‘out & proud’ ADHDers at work or elsewhere, who make it their whole personality/USP. They talk at me and I zone out until they’re done. I’m not much of a chatterbox, which leads me to question whether I do have it, as I can’t relate to them.

The uncertainty is unsettling. I want to speak to a professional once and for all, to confirm / rule it out / point me in the right direction.

Hi, I've been trying to get an assessment privately but heath care doesn't cover it so may have to join the long nhs wait list.

I think I'd benefit from a diagnosis to enable me to help myself & understand myself more.

I'm high energy (mentally & verbally), & extremely unorganised, regularly forget appointments/times (but very good at quick calculations & finances), work or my kids then I'm high functioning & very able, struggle with memory & executive function, struggle with change, eg unexpected calls, never answer a call if I'm not expecting it. I struggle with emotional disregulation, overwhelm, feeling as if I'm two people always being torn by wanting to do something & feeling unable to (audhd suspected by therapist), impulsive, I feel like my brain never actually switches off, constantly whirling with thoughts past &, present, history of being unable to maintain friendships even since school & have always felt a strong push back to rules, find social situations draining so keep this very limited & short, prefer familiarity, Sensory issues - noise mostly & can be very inflexible with having things in particular places & done in certain ways.

I'm a hoot, really.

This is a nice way to make light of it, although diagnosis is a process - I don't feel embarrassed by a potential diagnosis - I hope you or your son doesn't either. My husband couldn't be any more NT - which is what makes me realise even more that I'm very likely ND as we couldn't be more different

I was painfully shy as a child too, socially I just wanted to be invisible, my confidence was zlich at school, I never wanted to ask for help & remember really never feeling I was able to cope with school - I was so out of my comfort zone.

Sounds like you've been on a journey yourself - I'm glad you described your life as great, I'm happy for you.

You're brave to go it alone, your brain sounds very similar to mine - I always say mines in chaos, always.

I always thought I'd be one that people would never guess but each time I compare myself to someone who is very NT - I know I standout like a sore thumb!

I am exactly the same with being very inflexible about certain things needing to be done in certain ways! I'm also high energy (verbally, mentally and physically so current struggles with fatigue are awful for me!!)

I am also very different to my husband who is probably autistic (but aould never want an assessment) but I think that's because he doesn't have ADHD.

I've known since I was around 10 years old I have to move and exercise, mostly run, to stay sane, calm-ish and be able to sleep.

But I think many people would be shocked if I disclosed my diagnoses as I function pretty well at work (do have a fair amount of scaffolding) but I am far leas organised than most of my friends and colleagues 🙈

It has been really good in some ways for me, but actually, even having a formal diagnosis hasnt stopped me wondering if they were right, if I just said the right things etc. My imposter syndrome is really bad. I actually had a follow up call 5 months later with the autism assessors to discuss the diagnosis and they told me I was definitely autistic, and spending 5 months analysing whether I'd focused in on small things and mislead them etc etc was pretty barn door autistic in itself!!

I hope in time, as both are within the last year, the imposter syndrome will improve.

I think your working experience of employers being reasonable is a much kinder one than I've ever seen. My former employers were unreasonable on most levels and any reasonable request would always be scrutinised, very little good will.

Yes it's wild really isn't it, the high function in certain areas and minimal function in others. Paralysis sometimes at the smallest things that really are small (making an appt or cancelling something), just can't do them. But instead I will do 10 other tasks because I'm OK with doing them.

I've always put food restrictions in place of some sort too.

I think I've always been an anxious type, very quiet throughout childhood, masking maybe but never suspected adhd or autism until I began therapy 12 months ago. But a lot now seems to make sense as to why I've found so many areas of life so hard, when my life isn't actually (on paper) that hard.

My gosh I totally get the questioning the diagnosis- I've done so much research on the assessment/process/autism diagnosis in females.

Ah, me too! Although in typical me fashion, I spent weeks and weeks researching who I wanted to have my autism assessment with, then pretty much couldn't cope with doing that again for the ADHD assessment and just picked one. Both mine were done via my GP and right to choose.

And I spent a good part of my autism assessment telling them why I was expecting not to be diagnosed and be told I was "just" ADHD and most of my traits could be attributed to ADHD too !

I was still diagnosed.

I had an extremely restricted diet as a child and teenager. Then some things improved but I had disordered eating/ an eating disorder in my twenties and parts of my 30s. Mostly under control now but driven by anxiety, a need to control something and can try and sneak back in if I'm more anxious.

I don't think I have minimal function in any area as I've got this far, but definitely a spikey profile (like my DD though she has more significant difficulties) and i think I work a lot harder at things than peers/colleagues etc.

I was diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD recently. Mh traits include sensory issues, love socialising but awful at it if I don’t know people very well, awful at small talk, will sometimes not be able to talk at all in some situations, get overwhelmed easily, I stim, sleep issues, very specific special interests that I’ve always had, bad at eye contact and knowing when to talk, bad at transitioning, trouble starting tasks, adhd paralysis where I can’t make myself do things I want like go to bed when tired or have a drink even if it’s in front of me when really thirsty, both organised and unorganised for different things, forget appointments, out of sight out of mind for people objects and tasks, high anxiety, cannot switch off or relax easily (see sleep issues). As a child I was the weird one at school, had some friends but didn’t mix with the others, often played by myself, preferred doing work to free play in the younger years, disorganized with homework and often didn’t do it, school refusal, teenage and young adult mental health issues including self harm. I have a DH and DCs and a good job, I’m very good at masking.