My husband and son said I should be in a lunatic asylum and made batman Arkham asylum jokes. - Have you ever heard about gaslighting?
I don't mean the word that is thrown around on mumsnet, I mean the proper definition of gaslighting.
gaslighting
/ˈɡaslʌɪtɪŋ/
noun
noun: gaslighting
the practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning.
"he said he was the victim of gaslighting"
Your husband, and son, have both accused you of being a lunatic for experiencing significant neurological distress out of your control.
Your environment was overwhelming and overstimulating, your workday was overwhelming and overstimulating, and your central nervous system was overloaded with sensory information, so you had a very normal response (for you and your neurotype) to your environment.
Gaslighting is a form of abuse.
I'd even go as far as saying telling you that you're nagging is gaslighting. They're making you feel like you asking for help and support around the house is extreme and disproportionate. Nagging isn't real. Nagging is the result of repeated attempts to ask for help and support for yourself or for others, and it's called nagging in an attempt to minimise you making these requests and doing things yourself because they don't feel that they should contribute.
Your children aren't going to grow up and learn that neurodivergence is a way our brains work and deserves support and accomodations while you have this man in your life, and this man is already showing your son that it's OK to mentally abuse you.
Can you contact womens aid and your local DV risk assessments team?
They can be invaluable sources of support for making short, medium and long term exit plans, as well as helping you with housing, financial and legal support so it doesn't feel entirely overwhelming. I obviously can't make you leave your husband, but I can say that I've been where you are and it doesn't get better.
There is nothing you can do that will make him educate himself, learn to have patience, pick up the slack, pull his weight or respect you.
He doesn't love you if he is willing to let you get to this point, because love is something we do in every action we choose. It's having a relationship where it's 60/40, and each other is trying to be the 60. It's learning and knowing and loving the differences in eachother, and respecting boundaries, and not needing to be asked to be an equal partner in a partnership.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you my love.
Also check your employers DV policy, because a lot of employers will allow some time off work in order for you to get your ducks in a row and leave, as it's incredibly stressful.