Do you think my feelings are OTT? Or justified? If justified, how can I enforce boundaries, backtrack a bit whilst not falling out with partner's cousin/family? I'm diagnosed with ADHD and partner's cousin, 'Meg' is diagnosed with ADHD and autism. She receives welfare in her home country for disability (some mental, some physical I believe) so has to budget a lot. I work full time remotely here in the UK.
Meg arrived on 7th Sep to stay with me at my house in the UK. Was meant to leave 26th Sep but then asked to push her stay out twice, eventually due to leave tomorrow, 21st Oct. She asked how long she could stay...I said I'm going away end of October so she would need to leave by then. I wonder how long she would have stayed if I hadn't have said that.
Whilst 'Meg' (she is late 20s, I'm early 40s) is a lovely girl in many ways (friendly, helpful with house chores, we get along), I've found her stay here exhausting and overwhelming. I also feel a bit taken advantage of.
Whilst she's been here, I've bought all the groceries and driven her many places across the UK and into Europe (some she asked if we could go, some were my suggestion as I did want to offer to take her some places at least).
Things that irked me:
- Financial burden (groceries, driving)
- Encroachment on my time (driving her places, sometimes on days when I'm working, also feeling like I can't just have an empty weekend relaxing on my own at home to recharge, feeling like I have to offer to do something fun with her which left me exhausted for the following work week)
- Personal space encroachment (I can't sit and work at dining table as I normally do as she comes to sit and chat so I work in spare bedroom with door shut, she leaves her stuff over the house - kitchen, lounge, I can't walk around naked if I want to)
-Leaves lights and fan on when not in the room
-Leaves wardrobe doors open in the bedroom
- Wears shoes with tights and no socks - feet stink, she puts them on my sofa and fiddles with them (she knows I hate feet other than my partner's), acknowledges herself they stink but then doesn't wash them
- She wanted some specific crisps which 1 supermarket didn't have so she asked if we could drop into another on route which I agreed, when we arrived, I said, 'I'll drop you outside since it's raining and I'll wait in the car' to which she replied, 'Oh, I don't have my coat on'. Think she was expecting me to go and get her crisps.
- Going on about a guy she's been talking to online for months who she met with in real life at the start of her trip. He's clearly avoidant (at least) but I can't stand hearing about this guy who is apparently 'a wonderful man' but clearly is non-committal.
- I offered to take her to the Peak District which I did, booked and paid for a small cottage with 2 bedrooms - 1 double, 1 single. Upon arrival, she didn't just take the single room. I could tell she didn't want the single room so me, the pushover just said she could have the double room as I really am fine sleeping in a single bed. It was just the principle which annoyed me.
- She wants to come back next summer (June to start of August) and next winter, and wants to leave a small box of stuff at my house until then
Do I just say that for next summer, you can stay with me but I can only host you for 3 weeks for example but I can't drive all over the place, you'll need to hire a car and I need some contributions to groceries? Does that sound really 'off' now considering I feel I've been very generous with my time, effort, personal space and money this trip? I think she's under the impression that because I work full time and am lucky to be able to afford to travel, I am insanely rich which I'm not.
Don't want to upset her and cause conflict with my partner's family but in the same light I feel she'll keep pushing the boundaries and taking advantage of my generosity if I don't make them clearer.