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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

PDA or terrible parenting?

3 replies

almostalwayslaura · 14/10/2025 21:57

Looking for advice… has anyone’s child been diagnosed with PDA ‘Pathological demand avoidance’?

My 11 year old daughter hasn’t been but we went to see a psychologist recently who advised she most probably has autism with PDA profile. I am struggling with her behaviour at home, she’s fine at clubs and school but I get the brunt of everything at home which makes me think it’s a me problem rather than something to stick a label on?

OP posts:
BretonStripe · 17/10/2025 04:35

Please don't blame yourself and feel guilty. Children in a secure relationship with their parents usually vent all their anger and frustration at their parents at home because it's their safe space. They know we love them unconditionally and aren't going anywhere.

Has the Psychologist given you any tools to help yet? Low/no demand days?

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 12/11/2025 16:22

Are you in the UK?

When you get an autism diagnosis, you're not given a profile along with it, although some psychiatrists will align certain behaviours with certain profiles, ie. sensory seeking, sensory avoiding, PDA, but typically in the UK it isn't an actual diagnosis. It's just useful for recognising why some behaviours manifest.

Also you say psychologist, not psychiatrist? As far as I'm aware psychologists aren't permitted to give diagnoses, if they suspect a diagnosis might fit, their role is to signpost you to available services for diagnosis.

My own sons psychiatrists official diagnosis for my son was autism spectrum disorder with a significant speech delay, but she only verbally recognised that his behaviours may align with pathological demand avoidance, or as it is also know a pervasive drive for autonomy.

If your psychologist is just a run of the mill counsellor/therapist then I would be sacking them off for overstepping their medical boundaries, though if you felt there was a merit to what they were saying, follow the proper diagnostic pathways.

PDA is an explanation, where certain behaviours where the fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses are a direct result of a perceived threat to autonomy, whether that threat is real or just perceived, and as a result there is significant neurological distress. It's an explanation that the behaviours exhibited are not a choice they are a survival mechanism.

Captainladder · 22/11/2025 18:36

I work
with a PDA child at school and strongly suspect my own son has PDA. What you are describing is quite common with PDA profile - masking at school and then, when at home, you are her safe space so she is using you to regulate herself.
If you google "at peace parents" or look on insta/facebook the lady who started it has a pda questionnaire you can use to help you figure things out and also a wealth of information about PDAers and how to navigate it.

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