I'm feeling terrible as I'm so rubbish at communicating in groups

[Starlilies]

That's it really.

I have ADHD and Autism. One to one communication is sometimes fine for me especially if I feel comfortable with the person. If we can skip superficial small talk and talk about interesting subjects, and the person seem kind and non judgemental, it usually goes fine. I have my children, a few good friends and get on with my family.

But communication in a group is often horrendous for me. I usually feel frozen and don't know what to say. It's like I don't know who to focus on and what facial expression to have.

I'm studying a course at the moment, and it's a zoom group with around 25 of us. A few days ago we had a meeting and at one point the teacher made a joke about something I had done. I felt really uncomfortable for some reason and equally didn't know how to respond so I didn't smile or laugh. Then the teacher looked pissed off and said "It's a JOKE (Starlilies)?? Ha ha??" I felt so embarrassed but still couldn't smile or laugh.

I think everyone probably thought I was very strange.

I think my face is often neutral and people interpret it as being aloof or disapproving. I feel so embarrassed, but equally I find it very stressful trying to keep up with the conversation and smile, laugh, respond appropriately, especially when it doesn't come naturally. I look at other people's faces in a zoom call and they are frequently changing expression - smiling, laughing, looking thoughtful, frowning etc. My facial expression seems to stay impassive the whole time.

This sort of thing usually happens to me in groups which is why I end up trying to avoid groups of people in general, which then limits my social interaction and I feel lonely.

Maybe when I'm in a one to one situation, I'm tailoring my language and behaviour to the person I'm with, so when I'm with multiple people, I don't know how to be. I don't know if that makes sense.

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any tips of how to deal with this? Thank you.

Hiya, I hate zoom - so wierd all the faces! To be honest the leader sounds like they have a bullying or OTT streak and I don't think it's you.

I 100% know what you mean - I can't work it out because I can see what someone said, how it came across, how someone is reacting, why they are reacting that way etc. all in a nano second, and all the information jams my brain up.

Maybe ask chat GPT for advice.

Yes this is me exactly, right down to the aloof part. I now just tell people I’m autistic - I get this approach isn’t for everybody and you can end up patronised/belittled but after years of wasting energy masking I’d rather just let people know. If that’s not possible could you find a reason to switch off your screen at least some of the time? I also wear sunglasses a lot now in group situations and it has helped so much to have that physical barrier, though again I am aware it probably makes me more aloof/weird to people who don’t know I’m ND. Eventually you stop caring so much about how you come across, though it’s been a painful journey to get here…

I feel your pain. I was going to post about this then found your thread. It’s a slightly different issue for me in that I struggle with when it’s time to talk/not talk, which ends up manifesting as interrupting and then if I wait turn having absolutely nothing to say as it’s all gone whoosh out of my head. I’m also not good at respond in live ti questions that feel out of context. Like you I’m fine one to one or with a few other people although I still struggle with the when the spaces are spaces I can start talking, or if it’s an interruption as the other person is still talking. Oddly I’ve actually only found this more of an issue since I have started to mix socially with non neurodiverse groups of women. Previously I’ve always mixed with ND women and it’s been fine, very accepting and so on. However I’ve found that now I’m in a situation where I mix regularly with women in groups of 5-25 who are largely NT and it’s beyond exhausting. I’m finding it a real challenge and after an experience this evening which took me right back to being at school and made to feel very small in a small group of women, I’m not sure I have the energy for it anymore. Mixing with other ND women can be also be exhausting but it feels less judgemental and there seems to be more honesty about the fact that we are all having similar issues and we can laugh about it.
ive had a late diagnosis, and have always mixed with other ND women more by accident than design and for the first time ever I am considering locating a local group for adult ND women as all the women I knew pre lockdown have moved away.

It’s not just less judgemental. You may just communicate better with other ND women - have you heard of the double empathy problem www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

thanks for that link. I’ve looked at it. this makes sense, it’s good to have research to back up what’s obvious (to us).
I think a key thing for me is having stopped taking Prozac at the start of the year after most of my adult life on it.
It’s really ripped the lid off things to put it mildly and made me less able to mask/tolerate things I used to.
On the whole I prefer it as I’m actually experiencing emotions now (I cry at films!) not to mention my body feels better and I’m sleeping better (and orgasms are back - yippee!)
I was getting very bad muscle stiffness. Apparently that’s a thing with long term use that I didn’t know about.
it’s made lots of other things more tricky and I wouldn’t have done it had I not gone on to HRT in the previous few years. There’s been some ‘interesting’ fallout which was probably going to happen anyway but events meant it happened faster.
I don’t know how I’d have managed if still working full time or having kids at home as I have to spend far more time on exercise - as much to slow down the aging decline as to reduce my intolerance of people.
I waited for the kid to be settled away from home before going through a fairly sensible withdrawal under GP. I was surprised it only took me 4 months and it was only the first week that was really physically rough, then mentally rough after 6 months but still nowhere as bad as previous times I’ve tried.
So I can only assume that the HRT was probably the thing I needed to be given during peri, instead of Prozac!
nearly 20 years on the wrong meds. Mind you Prozac did definately reduce hot flushes and more importantly allowed to do life as a single parent through my 30’s and 40’s.

I’m very wary of telling anyone as the response tends to be disbelief unless they are other ND people.
Even my son, DX’d at 3, SEN schools, and all that entails, has had people that frankly should know better (think director of a service providing support to adults) say to him ‘oh you don’t seem autistic at all’.

Maybe they mean it as a compliment but he says it makes his heart sink as they just don’t lend any weight to the difficulties he has with processing speech etc

he’s exceedingly articulate and measured with his speech but can sometimes really struggle with reception.

It’s a work in progress for him to have the confidance to get people to repeat themselves.

I always pretended i was slightly deaf but nowadays I just say I’ve got processing difficulties and they need to slow down/repeat etc.

as you say though, the masking consumes a lot of energy.

I also wanted to say that I just can’t do group zoom calls very well. I makes me really anxious for exactly all the reasons you describe plus it’s just so many eyes and faces. I’ve had a few through work but pretty quickly realised that they were a waste of time for me as it wasn’t accomplishing anything and could be done in phone calls, emails or messaging.
I did cite autism as a reason not to but it was an autism support organisation and I was the one running the day to day so they were ok about it.

im retired now thankfully.

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough time - seems to be the general story of autistic women, misdiagnosed, wrong meds, left to make do in an inadequate system. I hope things are easier now. Oh the disbelief! Our family fit a fairly classic trope for autism and still we get the suggestion it’s all made up. Mind you it took me at least 6 months after my diagnosis to fully accept and understand how I could be autistic and that was with the benefit of specialists providing an explanation and reading through the literature, so I do have sympathy with NTs struggling to make sense of it all (able to cope fully smiling and masking some days but on others I can barely string a sentence together - I can see how it must come across as practically schizophrenic). It is a very special kind of hell sometimes being autistic in general, and an autistic woman in particular.