Twins turning 4 behave little 2.5 year olds

[Miababe]

Hi, I have twins boy/girl who turn 4 at the end of this month. They go to pre-school nursery and are set to stay another year without moving up to Reception School Class. They are way behind their peers go to school on straps, wear pull ups, have limited speech, bite and fight quite a lot and don't seem to learn boundaries well. They are set to be assessed by the Neurodiversity Team but the waiting list is 15 months I understand which means that they might not be assessed by the time they are due to start Reception next year. What happens in this situation if they are not ready/unable to start reception? Apart from growing taller and saying more words I don't really see much progression in the last year particularly in behaviour. My husband and I put all we have into supporting them and trying to 'bring them on'. Help the frustration is so hard and it strains our relationship. What is your experience with this please?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. It’s tough in the early days when you’re not sure how things will land. Why are they staying another year and not starting reception at the expected age? Was that your decision? Is the pre school/nursery part of the school or separate? They’re entitled to be on their correct class for their age, if that’s what you want? Otherwise you can defer a year with them being sumner born. Personally, I would have them in their correct reception class and push for an EHCP. You don’t need a diagnosis for that. You’ll also be able to evidence gather much more easily with them in reception for your autism/adhd pathway - because the expectations for learning and coping with structure will be higher then in pre-school. This is key to them scoring highly enough on an assessment to get a diagnosis.
There may be other support services in your area too - you don’t usually need a formal diagnosis to access these. Are they having SALT input? It’s not just for children who aren’t talking much, it covers all communication.

Instead of holding them back why not move them on and work towards the readiness. Twins often mirror each other's behaviours rather than the peer group. Their need for communication , speech etc is minimised by having each other.

Hiya OP! 👋
We had a similar experience with our LO. He was an only child and very baby-ish.
Was behind on everything, including speech and language. 😫
We had his ears checked and the young male GP said he was fine. Fast forward over 5 months, turns out he had double glue ear all that time and was a deaf mute, because he couldn't hear. The GP response? He will grow out of it. Er no. Wrong mate, give me antibiotics thanks. 🙈
We had him assessed by the SALT team and they gave both us and the school, some activities to practice at home. It helped a lot. 🙏

Our sausage was summer born and had a LOT of catching up to do. He was a May baby and ALL his pals were miles ahead.
It felt awful like I'd failed. 😔
We didn't keep him behind in school, just did lots of extra stuff at home, so he would catch up to his peers. It was a daily slog and I wanted to tear my hair out some days, but slowly it sunk in and he caught up to his peer group/pals.
We did extra work at home, got assessed (not autism, but suspected adhd), then a year later when he was 5, , it all kind of evened itself out (we did put the work in along with the school) and to be honest, he's flying now.

I've been there. It's bloody hard and you feel crap. I understand and sympathise. 💕
My cousin said something to me which resonated. Her child was also summer born.
Kids are like popcorn in a frying pan, you just have to wait for them to POP when they're ready, you cannot rush them and then they will pop! 🍿 She was right!
It always looks crap, then you will blink and it will get easier, I ppromise 😇
Sometimes kids just need a little help and a to be assessed so that they can have an extra hand and flourish. For others it just takes time for them to find their feet.

Edited to say;
You are doing a great job 👏
You've got this 💯
It will get better 🙌
Hugs to you 🫂

I tend to agree with the previous replies. It sounds as though they're not going to be "ready" next year either so you have nothing to lose getting them into school now where SEN support tends to be better and more linked in with other support services. The sooner they are in that environment the sooner they can be getting the support they need. 100% they'll be in a better place this time next year with a year of school behind them than with another year of nursery. It's so hard sending them to school when you know they're not as ready as you want them to be but the school will know how to help. Best of luck OP!

They don't need to be "ready" to start school. School needs to accommodate them as they are. You urgently need to get them EHCPs though. Starting school will be much smoother with those in place. Also choose their school very carefully. If you're on FB find local SEN FB groups and ask for recommendations. They don't need a diagnosis to get an EHCP. Their nursery should really have been on that already. As a parent you really have to be proactive though. I work in secondary and we have kids starting who are at pre KS1 level and no EHCP. You can't trust that the school/LA will just do what they should.

Good luck and fingers crossed they don't have to wait 15 months for assessment.

Just make sure if you defer them, they can start September 26 in reception. A lot of authorities say you can defer but child then has to to go into their correct year for their age so they would have to go into year 1 which is a lot more harder and more rigid than reception.
I personally wouldn't defer as the school will work with them individually and they can apply for appropriate My Plans / EHCP etc if needed. Good Luck with it all

So I am not sure why the preschool isn’t supporting you better and would consider a better setting if they are staying for another year- getting the funding and support. School may have been a good idea as they could have had more direct support for their additional needs, and ensure they had an EHCP?

I’m going to slightly go against the grain here with another late summer baby (now a teen) . If it’s financially an option and they can start in reception not yr 1 next year then I would hold them back. They will benefit hugely from an extra year with the right support.

The key question is the nursery going to give them the right support?

I don’t have any direct experience of twins but in the two schools my children have attended it’s always been policy to separate twins. It sounds as though your two would benefit from some independent time ?

You can apply for an EHCP without diagnosis as it is needs based so I would explore that with their nursery.

Although it is hard, try not to worry too much about where their peers are at and work on getting the correct support to help them progress at their pace. A year is a long time for them to make progress and with the correct support they will make better progress. If you accept they are behind and that it isn’t your fault and you just need to support them to make progress at their pace then it will take some of the stress away.

Purplgirl - Thank you for your suggestions. The twins are in a pre-school/nursery attached to the primary school. The teacher running the nursery has been the head of the infant section of the school but is running the nursery at the moment as she has 4 kids herself one being a baby and she is working part time. She has a lot of experience and I do respect her opinion. She said that she would really encourage the twins to stay in nursery another year so that they could get them ready for mainstream reception class as she thought they would struggle so much if they sent this September and it would be a very negative experience for her them. Tbh I did not know that we had a choice at all in this and could have said no I want them to start school.

The twins are not potty trained in fact they can poo and be unaware of it. I have started potty training with various advice many times and they will use the potty when directed to a few times and then forget, refuse and get generally very upset about it all. They wear reins whenever out and are the only children taken into school with reins on. My daughter will run if given time off of reins and despite explanation will continue to do this.

I am told they won't sit down for long for a story or to play with other children in nursery. Their speech is improving very gradually though my daughter is more advanced in this than my son. My son has meltdowns and frustration. He does the hand flapping and the nursery teacher wonders if this is autism and maybe my daughter is showing learned behaviour from him.

That sounds really tough OP. Have you/did you speak to the senco at their would-be primary school? I'd reach out and see if they can help you with a transition plan, they will be able to help with any formalised support like ehcps or whatever the new version is after the government review. I'd also try and get as much support in place as you can even without any diagnosis/assessments. Definitely see what speech and language help you can get, you might find behaviour improves when they can adequately express some of their frustrations. Maybe also look at what OT support could be on offer. I don't know how possible it is, but wait lists are insane, could you look at an education psychologist or a private autism assessment in the meantime. There is also right to choose which gives access to some providers faster. Do also look at claiming anything you need, dla for example is needs based not diagnosis based and it sounds like pre school would have lots of evidence to support your claim too. There are some great neurodivergent support groups and charities online, it might be worth researching even before a diagnosis, how to support autistic children, how to help manage meltdowns. As anexample, we found understanding triggers (often sensory ones) and giving him a safe space to escape to really helped, you can then try and avoid the trigger (eg using ear defenders) but also direct the meltdown somewhere or using tools that help them calm down more safely and easily (fidgets, cushions, weighted blankets - it's trial and error).
Be prepared for everything to be tough, my little boy is send and mainstream state school has been a battle. Not to scare you but prepare you, it is a fight to get support in place and it's well worth researching the legal things in place around send and school so you're ready next year to advocate on their behalf.

Forgot to type this - my nephew was August born, so my SIL decided to keep him back, as he was born prem and should have been a September baby.
It was the best decision for him, as he is thriving and is the eldest in his year group.
I don't know how it will pan out for high school, but hopefully he will stay with his year.

My son had this option, but we decided against it and it was the best decision for him. He stayed with his friendship group from nursery and we got extra support.

So both totally different paths, but both had a positive outcome based upon the child's needs.

Would you want them to both be together in the same year? Or possibly split them up, based on their needs?
I think i read that you said your DD mimics your DS? Would it be beneficial for them to be split up?
It may sound controversial, but i know in high school they tend to split up twins in different classes, but would your children benefit from this now? For instance, place your daughter in the right year group, but hold back your son?
I don't have twins and can imagine it to be really hard. Im not saying that you should do this, just saying that there are a myriad of options and different children have different needs.
I hope you get the support you need, and you are doing a great job xx

P.s. in the 80s, I knew a lad who was September born, and his mum immediately fell pregnany when he was weeks old, so his sister was born in the August. They were in the same year at school, and she struggled a lot. She ideally should have been in the year below but it wasnt a choice for them.
We have lots of choices now thank goodness.
Hope you are doing okay xx

💕 my message appeared twice, dunno how to delete it, so edited this post. 🙈😆👋

Syyw

My son deferred a year (now just finished Y1) and had the extra year in nursery (suspected plethora of neurodivergent conditions and July born) and I can honestly say it was the best idea to suggested to me by the school.
By that point he had nhs salt and a service the school used. The difference in that year was amazing and toileting was starting to be cracked the last week of term in what I call nursery take 2.
Also keep in mind reception isn't too formal so the extra year in nursery should be beneficial then the year in reception before the formal stiff really begins, this gives time also to sort ehcp's and if successful extra funding to be able to support their needs or if needed, a sen school, if and when place is available.

All my kids have had severe speech delays and actually couldn’t be understood when they started primary school. My oldest five children are all now 18, 16, 14 and 13year old b/g twins. And you wouldn’t ever know they ever had speech delays and years of speech therapy with an out reach team. In my experience speech delays causes frustration and meltdowns and as you’ve mentioned your son isnt quite advanced as your daughter with their improvements also it can affect their social skills with their peers. So I’m wondering how much knowledge the teacher has on the effects of speech difficulties. I know mine were the first children our primary had to experienced with severe speech delays they were almost like guinea pigs haha but they gave the school immense experience and has help d future children attending with speech problems. Also having girl/boy twins myself and being a fellow twin mum, but also having many singletons, my twins bounced of each other more when they were younger. It was like hitting my head on a brick wall (well still is and they are teenagers still will I never get involved in an arguement between the two of them because they then make up and I’m the bad one haha). They always had a best friend so to speak, they always had each other and was a little harder for them to mix with others at pre school age and early years at school. Although they are of course individuals but my twins were very different than my singletons at this age, I found twins very different. Everything was harder, they didn’t listen as much as the others, they were always on the go and always had an audience, each other and that did impact their behaviour and attention span. And non of mine are neurodiverse or have autism. Have you been referred to speech therapy?! I personally wouldn’t do an extra year at nursery but then it is attached to the school so it is a school setting so does make it a tough call, but even then I personally wouldn’t. You will find with speech difficulties their reading will more likely be affected but they will eventually catch up once the speech improves and also learning letter sounds and blending will also help speech in time which is another factor I’d consider when deciding whether to keep them in nursery. I’m sure in time when speech improves you will find a lot of the other things that’s been noticed will improve also. A speech therapist once told me to think how I would feel if I was talking and I couldn’t be understood but I knew what I was saying, it would be infuriating and also a little humiliating and that would likely affect my self esteem mixing with others and act out. That opened my eyes a little to how mine will prob have felt xx