How do I cope?

[Littlefatfroggy]

Hi All
Im hoping someone here can help me a bit. My eldest daughter, who is 20, was diagnosed this year as ADHD and high functioning ASD.

We are in France where things are a bit different. She in 3rd year at Uni and has had an absolute shocker of a year in Paris. This was her year abroad (ironically in her home country because she is doing a double degree) and she’ll be going back to Uni in the UK in September.

We have 4 kids. I’m also probably ADHD. When she was at home full time she was hard work but we muddled along. And she was helpful and reliable.

But now I’m finding it increasingly difficult when she comes home - particularly over the summer break. It is so long. And to be honest I’m absolutely dreading it this year. I’m menopausal and I can only really fake sympathy because the endless whinging and complaining, and general me, me, me just winds me up. She is now not very helpful and not particularly reliable so the good really doesn’t outweigh the hard. I’m afraid that by the kids hit 18 I was just completely done with parenting.

I can see and understand she is in a bad place. She’s is increasingly unhealthy. Eats so much sugar and does no exercise. She’s put on 20kg this year I think. But she is stubborn as a mule. When she’s not here we don’t have any sugar or crap in the house because we are trying all to loose weight. She did the shopping for this weekend and bought 6 boxes of biscuits.

All the kids find her increasingly annoying and exhausting. The next 2 have now moved out and there’s no chance they’ll be home while she is unless it’s for a birthday and a few hours max.

Last summer she wrote off a second car and I went immediately and got a banger because we live remotely and then she decided to quit her job. She’d worked less than 2 weeks. Her back hurts regularly as she has scolioses but she refuses to do anything to help.

Her boyfriend has just chucked her. So she is particularly miserable right now, doing retakes and she has definitely failed this year.

Where do I start with all this? How do I help? How do I cope? Currently I just want to lock myself away and scream. Which is very unhelpful, I appreciate. I’m launching 2 new businesses so I just don’t have much capacity. And very little patience.

Thanks for any tips.

I don’t know but you do have my sympathy. I’m currently in my room because I’ve had enough of my 17yo DD. I know she has AuDHD but jeez is she not helping herself at the moment.

Is she medicated? I'm late diagnosed ADHD and on fast release methylphenidate which works really well as I can adjust it around my menstrual cycle.

A few resources :

A book called Smart But Scattered Guide To Success For Teens (there is also an adult one which was recommended to me by a work counsellor)

There's a couple of good books by Rich and Rox (Dirty Laundry and Small Talk)

Podcasts : How To ADHD.

An online support group for ADHD: https://adhduk.co.uk/support/

My psychiatrist advised that there is some evidence that a mediterranean diet is beneficial for ADHD I.e. sufficient healthy fats, protein and whole grain carb. TBH as long as there are enough calories and they come from reasonably healthy sources, that helps reduce the sugar fest. Regular mealtimes key.

Is there any form of exercise she enjoys? Enjoyment is always my way in with exercise.

Any support through Uni she can access?

Deadlines for doing things.

There's also ADHD coaches listed on the ADHD UK website. I found coaching extremely helpful.

Coping wise, I sometimes think about how it could be worse! But in all honesty, unfortunately the only way is through all the tedious stuff...organising strategies for everything bespoke to the person based on what works for them...they can be fun too... removing the shame around ADHD is key, as shame is a blocker to progress.