I'd really appreciate anything, chat, experience etc. I could just waffle on and this post may not make much sense but this is the first time I'm going to try and get it all out.
So, I'm mid to late 30s, mum to 3dc.
I've been quite ignorant to knowing more about ND my whole life really and I'd never done any research.
However, my whole life I have struggled hugely and I always thought that if I try harder then things will be different.
I thought this was how all adults lived their lives and that I must be doing something wrong. Que the next few years trying to work our what I was doing wrong.
I always start off doing things how I think they should be. I start cleaning my house, decluttering. Does it ever get finished? No.
I start decorating and the same thing. In fact, to begin something I'm usually in the driving seat and then it all dwindles down. Once I've stopped I can't seem to get back into it.
I work. I'm on a minimum wage job as I don't have the confidence to put myself out there. I've been a manager of a good team previously. Some days I'm crying on my way to work because I can't handle the thought of being there. I hate my job. I'd love a different job but I know mine inside out and my boss knows me. I'm good at my job and I always have fantastic reviews. I might be good somewhere else but that's extremely stress inducing.
My finances are in dire straits and I genuinely don't know what to do. Honestly, I make it look like we're doing fine when in reality, it's shocking. I'm in so much debt. I know about it and want to change it. The weird thing is its like my brain forgets it, or chooses not to despite another side of my brain knowing that I need to sort it. The forgetting/ignoring side always wins. Until I get someone at my door due to lack of payment and then I desperately try to sort it out.
I don't open my door, I don't answer my phone and I don't open letters. Why you may ask? Genuinely I do not know. It's fear, I feel frozen. Is it because I don't want to admit I need help? I'm not sure.
This is just a bit and I've forgotten half of the stuff I wanted to write. Story of my life.
A couple of people had mentioned throughout my life that I may be ND. As I said, I didn't even look into it. I'm certainly not hyperactive or loud and ignorantly I thought that this was so far from me, take the advice with a pinch of salt.
I have therapy due to being diagnosed with cptsd and other linked things and my therapist mentioned it. So I went to the doctor. Immediately agreed with what I'd told him, said I presented some things to him. Namely interrupting and switching backwards and forwards between conversations. I didnt realise I did this.
So I'm going to be assessed. Over these past few months, it's got me down. Stresses involving my children and all the other stresses that come with being an adult are bringing me to tears daily. I cry at work (I'm alone and out on the road for my job), even doing a food shop is impossible. I go to the expensive local shop for food every day. I've tried doing a big shop and either go all out so that I've spent far too much and then all the food gets wasted because we physically can't get through it all, or I make a meal plan and change days for whatever reason and the plans out of the window.
Just basically, I feel everything in life is so so hard to navigate and difficult and stressful.
I don't know what I want from this. Maybe just to spit it out in writing in a huge garbled chunk or just get it out full stop, or if I could do with speaking to someone else who understands what I'm trying to explain.
Well done if you've managed to get to here. Thank you x