Let down again

[Charliebear322]

I got a new friend (from a befriending) service and they started asking personal questions. I do have a tendency to over share and not really know how to refine what I am saying. I did ask them if they were uncomfortable or wanted me to stop and they reassured me they weren’t but were maybe being polite.
they spoke about us going out together and we seemed to get on really well. Had a lot in common.
her friend called on her behalf and she no longer wants to meet me. No explanation. Just that
part of me isn’t surprised but it has made me trust a lot less

What information were you oversharing?

They asked about my family and where I came from because I don’t have one and my accent isn’t from here. I explained the backstory which is basically that my family are abusive and I left. I can’t remember everything but looking back on it I think they were scouting for information and being really nice for a reason and it’s made me wonder what. I am hyper-vigilant about it because I am used to “spies” from my family but I don’t even think it was that.

What is a befriending service? Is this about finding new friends - sort of online dating but for friendships?

It seems unlikely that if you disclosed that you're NC because of an abusive bacground that would make someone ditch you. If you were very intense about it, and it was in an early meetig - eg crying, talking about the terrible ways its impacted your life etc, then perhaps. NOt becuase someone doesn't care or want that information but becuase it would be a bit much to get that level of intensity upfront.

But basically, I don't know and I think without understanding what a befriending service is and how it works, it's hard to advise.

It’s a service by the council I think, for people who can’t make friends and are isolated because they’re elderly or neurodivergent and can’t get out. I’m autistic

I'm sorry, but if this was an early meeting oversharing like that would have put me off. Too intense. It's a difficult balance sometimes, but I would have pulled back. That person was a stranger essentially at this point.

Ok. Can you explain to me what the issue is with being too intense or over sharing?

It might be better to get this moved to neurodiverse mumsnetters. I can imagine they'll be able to understand where you are coming from op. I'm ND too.

People will ask about your background without expecting to hear about abusive family members. It's 'getting to know you' questions on a surface level at the start of acquaintance. It's not, 'please tell me how shit your family is.' No one should know that early on. People will have their own stuff going on, and they might not have the mental energy to engage with a new acquaintance on that level.

That's how I would feel, anyway.

And actually, it's to protect yourself as well. Some people might take advantage of how vulnerable you're making yourself by sharing too much too soon and perhaps inadvertently too many personal details.

You had just met the person. Start small before you start sharing dark stories about your abusive past. The other person thought he or she was just making small talk about where you were from etc. That’s the moment when you say ‘Actually, it’s not a pretty story for our first conversation — another time!’ And then change the subject.

People that overshare have poor boundaries , it’s something I avoid, if people reveal a lot of misery then others don’t want to risk becoming an unpaid therapist. I had a difficult childhood I have friends of decades who have no idea it was so difficult.

People like a little collective complain about minor gripes. Overall it isn’t nice hearing about trauma.

Actually @whitewineandsun has made a very good point about being taken advantage of.

I have little idea about friendship stuff I was never taught this was helpful. Thanks everyone

Sounds like you've had a really challenging past, and you dont have any close friends or family to confide in. Have you considered a therapist to talk about everything you've been through?

OP I have an adult DC with learning disability. There is a scheme in the City we live for befriending people who struggle to find friendships so I think I know the type of introduction service you have tried.

Highly likely the person you met with is also neurodivergent. They might have their own set of struggles meaning this friendship service wasn’t for them.

whilst not great to over share your personal information too soon that may not be the reason they don’t want to meet again. Don’t take it personally.
Try the friendship service again if you want to and keep the chat superficial for the first meeting. Like what do you like to do in free time, your taste in music, what food do you like.

Try the friendship service again if you want to and keep the chat superficial for the first meeting. Like what do you like to do in free time, your taste in music, what food do you like.

I agree with this. Don't give up.

I wouldn’t have spoken about it if they didn’t ask. It can be hard for me to gauge what someone is asking for specifically and I do get the feeling I shared too much and made them uncomfortable

They were just making superficial small talk, as they can have had no idea that a question about where you’re from touches on a dark and upsetting part of your experience. You’re the only one who knows that, so the onus is on you to recognise that someone you’ve just met isn’t going to want the low-down on your abusive family, and to change the subject. You might choose to share that kind of personal information way down the line, but not the first time you talk to someone.

OP just because someone asks a question does not give them the right to have that information. You do not owe them ( a virtual stranger)an answer.

Practice at home some go to phrases to protect your boundaries.

The person you're making friends with. - are they a volunteer or are they also looking for a friend? It doesn't make a huge difference but I imagine it makes a bit of difference - a volunteer is more likely to see their role to support while someone looking to "match" is looking for someone more like minded.

As a rule of thumb, I don't think it' snecessarily a problem to have told someone the basics but, especially if the person is ALSO looking to match with someone to build better community ties, as much as anything it's about compatibility. Do you have similar interests and approaches? A similar sense of humour? So if you landed up spending an hour talking about your abusive childhood, it will feel as if THIS is what defines you and what you are most interested in and not in spending time getting to know each other or sharing things you both like.

They were a volunteer.
we did speak about similar interests as well and had a lot in common

In which case she may have felt the level of support you needed was beyond her if you were unloading about your childhood abuse.

Try agin! there's someone out there for you.

@Charliebear322 Charliebear322 I really know how you feel as I have had a similar sort of life and also have autism. When people ask me why I don't work or why I have no family or how I came to live in this area, it is all so traumatic sometimes that it just comes out. But most of the time it's randoms like taxi drivers and stuff. I am trying to now not answer questions I find upsetting.
But this person was supposed to be befriending you and actually I think it's shit what she has done.

@Charliebear322 I don't know if you feel the same but after talking about personal stuff with people, afterwards I always feel horrible and like I have made myself very vulnerable. I even find ways not to see the people because I feel so uncomfortable.
It's like I've shared part of myself with them and I can't get it back.

Yes I feel that way and I wish she had just said it’s too much and she didn’t want to know rather than ending it

I’ve found the Facebook of the lady and I shouldn’t be spying on it should I