So exhausted and burnt out

[UnderandOverwhelmed]

So I'm waiting for an adhd and autism assessment in my 40s. I've suffered with poor mental health for over a decade but I've managed a good professional career.
Fast forward to now when I also have a preschool DS (also awaiting autism assessment) and i feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I can't concentrate at work, every task makes me hugely anxious, I find my DS so challenging and I'm basically just exhausted. Is this just life? Am I being pathetic or does something really need to change?
Deep down i think I need to quit my job and take some time out, but I'm the main earner by a long way and I'm really scared ill never get another job, or ill end up on minimum wage and we will really struggle financially.
I'd love some advice because I don't know what to do but I feel I can't carry on as I am.

I have found being a mother to an autistic adhd daughter really tires me out. I’m also adhd and maybe autistic. I work 3 days a week aswell and I used to be so sociable and motivated but currently with how demanding my daughter is, I’m wiped out all the time. I literally sleep while she’s at school on my days off because I’m just exhausted.
I think we have a certain level that we can cope with and being a parent just takes us over that threshold.
also parenting neurodivergent children demands a lot more hyper vigilance and I think that constant level of awareness would wear anyone down.
what I’m trying to say is, you are not alone ❤️

Noting your age and some of the things you are struggling with such as concentration and anxiety, have you considered you might be perimenopause? I suffer with both of these and they have been more managable since starting HRT. I also thought I would need to look for a less challenging job, but coping much better now.

I strongly suspect and have been told by people in the know (but not formally diagnosed) that I am ASD and ADHD. I never had a problem in my career, was able to excel and was ambitious, albeit with some social challenges, but when I hit meno that changed. I became anxious, really struggled to focus and lost my confidence completely. Lockdown/WFH didn't help because I learned to love wfh and the office environment makes me anxious, especially as menopause has made my hair fall out and aged me . I'm constantly being pressured to go for promotions I no longer feel I have the ability for.

Sorry to sound like I'm making it about me but I'm saying this because the change has had a profound impact on me. This could be creeping up on you now and making things harder for you, or if it isn't, if will one day and you need to be prepared to get all the help you need such as HRT etc

If you can't leave your job, and I wouldn't except as a last resort, could you cut down your hours/days?

Maybe try Vit D and Magnesium supplements as a lack of these will cause exhaustion.

Not pathetic at all
Children actually exacerbate neurodivergent traits in us I think then you're also trying to deal with their needs as well as your own
Have you looked at rtc route if it's in your area? I was referred diagnosed and medicated within 6 months on that route

ETA medicated I can manage my sons needs (AUDHD) much easier

I did spend about 9 months on HRT as I originally thought that was the problem but it really made no difference unfortunately. My GP is useless and refused to do any investigation as my oestrogen levels on hrt came back in range. It might still be a possibility but honestly I couldn't cope with the demand of needed to do the gel everyday when it didn't seem to be helping.

Thank you, I recently asked to move to right to choose, not sure why I didn't do it sooner tbh as I've been on the list for 18 months. Adhd is progressing but ASD is not as the NHS won't acknowledge my request to come off their waiting list and my GP won't do RTC until they do. I am desperately hoping medication might help me.

@Frugalgal the issue is have is that I have way more work than I can handle and I've actually recently upped my hours because I was having to work lots of unpaid overtime to stay on top of it. If I cut back down in many ways it might make it more stressful. I'm literally counting the weeks until my DS starts school (75 I think) as then I intend to keep my one day off and just sleep for it. I'm just not sure i can manage until then.
I'm not trying to just reject everything because I'm really so grateful for the responses, but I have tried some of these things already unfortunately.

75 weeks is a long time! I really hope you find a solution..

Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself - everything exactly the same, however I quit my teaching career 2 months ago and it feels like the best thing I could have ever done, to focus on mine & DD’s mental health. I applied for UC to cover the rent & bills & yes things are tight, as I was the main bread winner but the world has slowed down enough for me to function so much better. I hope you find your peace and quality of life too. Sod the money, you find it somehow. Family is more important & a job will be there when or if you’re ready xx

How bizarre. Although I was seen by the community mental health team first which I guess is standard and the lady who seen me was like you're not anxious, you're not depressed you are without a doubt adhd and you need seeing diagnosing and medication faster than what we can do and we can't do anything else. Then she recommended the gp continued with rtc as the wait in my area for nhs is 5 years minimum for adults.
I don't have Asd, I'm adhd and my son is both, well awaiting diagnosis but there's very little doubt from anyone.
Honestly I do swear by being treated. It's been a bit of a roller coaster finding dosage as the strongest one it was basically like I was smoking crack or something 😂
Have you mentioned a chosen provider to go with to your gp?

It's a similar story re being anxious and depressed, I've been on and off antidepressants for more than 10 years and none of them ever helped. It was only in October 2023 that the mental health practitioner at the GP said she thought it was autism and adhd. If so I've been struggling hugely for years and it's just never been recognised. I even went to a psychiatrist about 9 years ago because I couldn't understand why nothing worked. She did say at the time she thought I had a touch of adhd, but back then I didn't understand what it was, thinking it was hyperactivity and I dismissed it. She also said she thought I was borderline borderline personality, which i was hugely upset about, but I now read that's quite a common misdiagnosis for autistic girls.
I have selected a provider, but he won't do the referral until I'm off the NHS list, which I've been on 18 months now.
I am so hopeful for medication that might actually help!

Thank you and I'm sorry you've been through the same. We'd never qualify for universal credit so I'd have to immediately get another job to keep the bills paid. My concern is it might be just as stressful but less well paid if I tried something else. My DH says he's happy to sell the house and downsize if we need to, but it just seems so drastic when I might feel better once DS is in school and I get that day to myself to decompress.

I have an autism scoring but never bothered to get an assessment as it won't change anything. I stay on my AD regardless as there is no cure. Just when I am more at peace something kicks off and I know I can never come off. One of those things.

I wouldn't quit your job as you may find with ADHD that you need the stimulation.

But can you work toward a sabbatical?

In the meantime citalopram is a good antidepressant is helpful for adhd - it helps with focus and motivation.

Adhd medication isn't a cure all. I'm on fast release methylphenidate as I couldn't manage the slow release ones - they made me anxious. Quick release methylphenidate is like three cups of caffeine without the side effects. The only other thing that comes close to it is structured exercise involving lifting very heavy weights in the gym.

Don't underestimate the impact of stress on mental health either - separately to ADhd but it makes Adhd worse.

IF you have time there are some good podcasts on ADHD and books.

Juat try and deal with one Adhd issue at a time And you will get through it. There is no one global solution unfortunately.

Another post just to say you're not alone OP. I'm in the same boat. ADHD diagnosed, probably ASD too. Small toddler DS who is showing ND traits and so very challenging to parent. Stressful career. I think I'm past burnout stage and losing hope that life will ever get better.

I coped somehow before DS was born as had time to recharge and sleep, which is not longer available to me. I've reduced my work hours but it's still a struggle and I'm under-performing at work so much that I can't even believe myself. Lucky to have supportive DH but we're both barely hanging on.

Cut down what you can. 75 weeks is a long time. "Surviving is better than not surviving".

@xNotTodayHunx @Augustus40 do you mind sharing what meds you're on? I don't mean to hijack the thread but I've tried some meds unsuccessfully and exploring options what else I can try..

Of course.
I'm on a Lisdexamfetamine dimesylate drug. From what I read prior to beginning titration, they're normally given if dopamine reuptaker type one's aren't successful but as I don't have any coexisting mental health issues and a few time experiment with such drug in street form in my teens left me feeling very normal (also very underwhelmed I the point I never considered experimenting further haha) it was decided that rather than put me on anything Methylphenidate based, the Lisdexamfetamine would be trialled first.
Ive just been passed to my GP for shared care (thankfully he is more than happy to provide this as I know sone don't and they're not obliged to) after a few months titration. Started off on a week 20mg then 3 weeks 30mg 2 weeks 40mg then 2 weeks 50mg then the next month two weeks 60mg and two weeks 70mg. 70mg was like what I imagine engaging in crack use feels like. I felt horrific. I said after the two weeks as I'd had a stressful two weeks trial (mature student completing dissertation) if continue and see how I went and 4 days later I was on the phone asking for an urgent reissue of 60mg because I just couldn't cope on 70. No appetite, barely able to sleep, jittery, sat there thinking so this is how drug use feels to a neurotypical person 🤣🤣 so yes 60mg is my optimal dose, that lasts for around 12 hours whereas stinger are meant to work longer but I can live with that becuase at least daytime hours are much more manageable There are a few other side effects that come with it, tiredness, dehydration, chapped lips die to constant lock popping when dehydration starts - either look like a panting dog or a preying reptile 🤣 or works best when taken with some kind of protein, I take mine with a protein shake because I don't have an appetite until mid day and frequent food intake even a snack and a good sleep really are crucial in the effectiveness of this types of drug.u actually found reddit to be a goldmine of tips for it.

As a general thought to you and the op, I think our traits and symptoms exacerbate once you bring children into it, more specifically children with similar or the same conditions to ourselves because it's so hard to control your own parts of conditions whilst trying to manage their.
Then work can be exhausting especially if you're ever uncomfortable or self conscious about things so the trying to hide the little quirks that com with us.
Then I don't know if anyone else has ever had this, maybe just me on here but I'll say it anyway, but the guilt that comes with your child having a neurodivergent condition when you have one. I have felt that so much especially as my son is so much more 'worse' than I am with things and idk I feel guilty that it's my genetics that have caused it.

Sorry op, turned this into a right me me me comment.

Hope you're doing better this week x

@xNotTodayHunx Thanks, this is helpful! Glad you found something that works for you after some trial and error! I think i need to keep trying as I definitely need some medication to cope with life right now.

You're right, I do feel so guilty about passing on my ND genes to my son and seeing him struggle and also feeling guilty that I'm not coping with parenting him as well as I'd like. I was diagnosed after he was born, not that it changes anything. Very difficult feelings. I guess I need therapy to deal with it but it just feels like I already have too much on my plate right now, but something to explore in the future.... I feel since the birth of my son I've become so much less "high functioning". Like OP I'd like to quit my job but would struggle financially and would be scared of never finding a "professional" job ever again.

OP, sorry for hijacking your thread about bit, hope you're doing ok and sending you best wishes. It also gives me some comfort that I'm not the only one going through this.