For heaven’s sake… how can I help him?!

[GoingOffScript]

My son is 25. He has ASD and icd. He lives with me. He’s got no friends, no social life/outlets whatsoever. He’s never dated. He works part time 2 days a week but finds it very stressful. He tried to end his life in 2022.

He's excruciatingly lonely. He’s just at home with me each evening unless I’m out. Because he never goes anywhere, I never have time to myself. I’m so terribly sad.

He had a social who put him in touch with an autism group but it was very mixed ages and he came home saying “I can’t relate to it; I’m just not like that”. He’s wordy, articulate and depressed to f**k. He takes Prozac.

Where does he meet “friends”? I’m everything to him and I can’t do it anymore.

This sounds so hard on you both OP. Does he have special interests? You say he’s wordy/articulate — does he write? And does he still have a SW? The fact he works, though not easy, is very promising; does he have any ambitions in that area?

Thanks @Skulling

He’s struggling to do 8 hrs a week at a cafe where he gets a lot of support. He’d be lost without it.

He’s given up ALL special interests. Yes, he has a SW but they change every 6 months or so. There’s no continuity. The one now is very gung ho about supported living etc but honestly, she’s so full on. She doesn’t “get” him.

That’s great the cafe are supportive - I really hope he can keep that job going. Very frustrating about the SWs… do you think supported living would work for him or is that not realistic atm?

I wonder if there’s any way to reignite some sort of special interest he once had, or help him find a new one. Will he do days out occasionally (museums/farms/walks etc?) where he might find something that sparks an interest? Does he connect to anyone online through gaming etc? Obvs a bit of a minefield but I’m wondering if there’s an adult equivalent of something like Spectrum Gaming he could try if that might help?

What about support for you? One thing that’s helped me a lot is joining a couple of local autism parent-carer groups online - have you found anything similar? NAS have a peer support line too: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline
It is a bloody tough gig and it helps to be reminded you’re not alone.

Also, FWIW I’ve known autistic people who really struggled in their 20s in similar-sounding ways to your son, but who went on to find a bit more stability in their 30s. I really hope things get a bit easier for you both.

@Skulling Thanks for th ex lovely and informative response. I’ve very little support. His dad sees little of him; maybe 3 or 4 times a year. He’s not been a great dad. I’m on my own since my parents died. I’m lucky to have a bit of a social life and friends myself but it’s so very wearing. Also, I feel bad if I go out, leaving him!!!

I’ve suggested online gaming communities and various other things locally. It’s like he’s given up 🤦‍♀️

Gosh, you must be bloody exhausted - hats off to you. Great that you have friends around and do not for a moment feel guilty about going out sometimes, it’s essential for your own sanity (you can’t pour from an empty cup and all that). Is there anyone else in your son’s life he might listen to who could gently suggest a hobby he could try? A family friend maybe, or someone at work?

I think it would benefit your son to join an autism group online where he can engage with others without being socially exhausted. The fact he is working 2 days a week may already prevent him from any more activities outside the home.

Supported living isn't a terrible idea. There would be other young people his age. Whereas if he leaves it longer he would be older going into supported living with younger people.

Thank you. I will encourage this again.

I just want him to cope and reach some level of happiness. Supported Living facilities in our area are few and far between.

I had a very rare overnight stay this weekend. The planning related to my son was “all bases covered” in every single way.

I got home yesterday to find:-

He hadn’t drunk any fluid for 24hrs plus (part of his OCD)
He had eaten one Margarita pizza from the freezer. Nothing else.

He had washed his EYES with shampoo because they were “contaminated”. His eyes were raw.

He looked dreadfully pale, tired, sad. He could barely speak. He’s usually very eloquent. And this is the utterly ridiculous part…. Two weeks ago, he was discharged from mental health services/counselling.

I am heartbroken and completely exhausted.

Can you pay a buddy to go out with him - do societies offer this anywhere.
my friend (older woman) was an a buddy club for disadvantaged children and they met up once a week for cinema,walk,cafe

We have done that. He gets an allowance for this. He used to have PAs but they’re like hens teeth to recruit.

Also, he wants his own friend/s. He’s intelligent enough to not want to pay someone. I don’t know anymore.

I can see that he won’t want to pay anyone but it’s surely easier to go to group settings, join cycling clubs, gyms etc if there’s someone with you.
im hopeless at making friends so I know what it’s like -could he join a choir (usually friendly and short of men), volunteer at a dog or cat rescue, is he at all artistic?

@Poynsettia Theyre great suggestions. His OCD won’t “let” him do anything involving animals. At the current time, he hasn’t left our home for almost a month.

It’s finding something which interests him that’s the problem. He’s never done well at sport but he’s got long legs and is build like a racing snake. I suggested a local running club, with the young chap who used to be his PA. That was a “no” due to being on public footpaths. His OCD is horrendous.

I feel sorry for you both.

He's completely lost his self esteem and you must be worried sick about his future.

Birdwatching? You don’t actually handle the birds. Take a camera and binoculars. Photography would be a good thing. Someone was telling me there are online classes for improving your camera technique or learning new ones.

The worry is utterly exhausting. My life is now so incredibly small, I’m actually glad I’m near the end of it.