Coming to the end of working life and never having achieved potential

[Phase2]

So I was a very clever child, and very excited for my future. Unfortunately being autistic meant socially I became very isolated and didn't gel with people or understand how to translate cleverness to a career.
I'm facing my mid 50s and all around me people have come in and shot past me. I work with much younger people who are in much higher positions than I have ever been.
Often people have commented on my ability, my whatever whatever but I have never been able to translate that into what I always wanted.
At work I feel that I am assisting other peoples careers, or just killing time.

Does this resonate for anyone else and how are you coming to terms with it? Please don't tell me it's not too late or I can change job or something. If I could make myself more likeable, more able to work out work I would have done.

Yes. I'm a qualified nurse but let my registration slip 10 years ago now and I don't think I'll ever go back to nursing. I had dreams of being a nurse specialist and while I'm very qualified I just can't cope with working in a team. One to one I'm great so with patients I have no trouble at all but other staff forget it. I'm 48 and have barely worked due to taking ages to decide what I was going to do after a few false starts. Then I had dc and got married. Got divorced and it all went to pot so I hear you. At the moment I'm newly diagnosed and processing what it has cost me in my life. I'm nowhere near acceptance but I do think there's a lot of pressure to conform to societal expectations of when we will do xyz and it's ok not to do things like society expects. I still feel a bit of a failure though.
What is it you do? What would you like to do?

Hi, thanks for replying, I really hear you re the 121 versus the team, I was also good at supporting people (public).
I really get what you said about coming to terms with what it's cost you, I feel like if I'd known I wouldn't have tried to make myself fit in and could have enjoyed being myself more.

I can totally relate to this
I live with this regret,it consumes me regularly
I spent my teens dreaming of a particular career I wanted
I took my eye of the ball and ended up in a relationship I didn't want and couldn't get out of , married with 4 kids ,two of which are autistic much worse than me ,and don't attend school or leave the house .
So no chance of me ever fulfilling any dreams I had ..
I'm so fucking passive,this life is a million miles from what I wanted
It was like being on a rollercoaster that never stopped to let me off .
I never wanted a boyfriend,never mind a husband,just wasn't interested.
Now I spend my life hugely masking my interest in one

I can relate. Not sure it it’s caused by neurodiversity, my start in life (preemie) or both but there is a very big difference in what I could theoretically accomplish (intelligence/ degrees) and what I can handle. It makes me sad and I hope to find something where my potential is not wasted but that doesn’t burn me out. For me it’s almost like I can’t do the work thing and the family thing (2DS) simultaneously so I have some hope of things getting better now that my youngest also started school… 🤞🏼

Thank you for replying. It's really depressing, I know we aren't all owed a career that's amazing, but the barriers seem huge.

i'm so sorry for everyone on this thread who have in some ways had experiences similar to my own (although I never expected to get anywhere near to reaching mine - I knew I was too disabled from the start). But your story was particularly hard to read. How did you end up in a relationship you didn't want? And then how did you end up with 4 kids if you didn't really want that life? Did you try to tell your partner this?

It was a combination of never thinking things through or planning..just living in the moment..not ever knowing my own mind and having people make decisions for me .
And then when I did realise I wasn't happy and wanted out ,I had no family to go stay with to sort myself out .
My childhood was just awful and abusive (so numerous counselors have told me )..but I didn't realise,so when the relationship went the same way ,I didn't spot it .plus never having had another relationship before ,I'd nothing to compare it to ,and didn't have any friends to discuss it with .
In a nutshell,I'm incredibly passive,and just didn't realise I was unhappy,
I think the abuse in childhood,just paved the way for me to accept more of the same

Springsunflower - I'm so sorry. You've had a hard time. I wish you all the best in trying to find some happiness somehow despite everything.

I recognise struggling to work with the team (nearly all women which didn’t help as I seem to rub along with men more easily). I think I had trouble remembering stuff and lately realised how anxious I was which probably contributed to not remembering -also never slept well , exacerbated when in social situations which work always was.
But had no clue what was ‘wrong’ with me .
Also difficulties with alcoholic parent in childhood which won’t have helped.

That's a great lesson- not trying to fit in. I love that. My dm is in her 70s and now laments how young she was in her 50s and still had time- she had an opportunity in a field but turned it down at the time. I say maybe it wasn't the one for you and look at the other things you have achieved.

I think success is either

finding one thing and becoming highly specialised in it (that's the route I've gone down) - it carries risks as my field is going to change with AI

Or

going into management which means leaving behind the actual doing and can be less rewarding, is high stress unless you find the right place/role and even then Managers are vulnerable in restructures

Or

doing lots of related sideways moves because you value the breadth of experience

If you feel like you are overlooked - best advice is to move.

I do agree it gets harder with age due to age discrimination. I know you didn't ask for advice but Brave Starts is a really good programme that is helpful.

Underachiever here too.

I’ll never work again even though I’m highly qualified & capable of doing the substance of a job.

Im just a useless team player.
can’t do interviews.
cant fit in with teams.
get bullied in offices.

thankfully got benefits sorted so im not in poverty.

My career has only started to take shape in my forties after years of false starts in more ‘exciting’ industries that just turned out to be glorified office jobs.

I feel like pre-children I was biding my time at work, waiting for the weekend when I could be off duty. Children are amazing and the responsibility of them seemed to switch something on in my head to become more organised, but led to overwhelm at home. But bless them, they also rob you of that leisure time, so work became more exciting and I found my niche.. fairly solitary work that colleagues don’t understand. Team collaboration is the worst for me too. Immediate zone out.

This is me, too. Having failed to get anywhere in the career I thought I wanted (despite being capable, conscientious, etc) because I don’t understand people and their ridiculous office politics, I gave up trying and spent 15 years doing low-level clerical work.

It depressed me so much I jacked it in and did a PhD just to prove I wasn’t stupid. Though I loved it, it didn’t lead to anything (no way could I cope in academia, it was a nest of vipers) and I’m back doing receptionist work while I decide wtf to do with my remaining working life.

However, I have started volunteering two afternoons a week using some of my PhD expertise, which gives me more satisfaction than any job has yet. I think I’m resigned to getting my fulfilment outside formal work now, which makes me sad but is also somewhat freeing, esp as I’ve reached perimenopause now so don’t even have the energy to even try clambering back onto the greasy pole!

Didn't know I was (probably) ND for years, couldn't understand why my MA was easy but couldn't cope with more than a part time minimum wage job.

I think we are just plain unlucky to have this autism problem. It has affected my ability to hold down full time jobs too. Slowly from my late 30s. I am now 61 do part time self employment at home. I have no colleagues and management to put up with which is cheery but I have been doing 20 years single parent and this has also taken a lot out of me as I have zero family support. I also avoid relationships but do have a few men as mates to keep me out of the feminist books somewhat. Working alone is definitely easier.