I would love some advice on holding down a job. This is going to be a fairly long post to provide the context! I'm 25 and I am autistic and I also have ADHD and Dyspraxia. On paper I am very capable. I have all A stars at A-Level and a first class honours degree from a good UK university. But I cannot, for the life of me, hold down work.
I do struggle in my day-to-day life. I have no romantic relationships to speak of; never have done. I tried dating once, it was a disaster because I came across as so weird and the person never contacted me again. I live alone in my own place. No real friends (a couple of online ones), my parents visit me once a fortnight. I have hobbies but they are all solitary and focused around my special interests. Whenever I leave my house I have to wear headphones to reduce my anxiety, sometimes I can take them off once I'm out. It just depends upon my anxiety levels. I can get around but rely mostly on practiced scripted conversations to engage with the bus driver or shop workers etc. If something unexpected happens e.g. someone speaking to me somewhere where I don't expect it I either become unable to speak or respond in a way that is very blunt. I struggle to maintain my environment at home and budget properly but I get by. Due to my dyspraxia I cannot drive or ride a bike despite numerous attempts at both so I am entirely dependent upon public transport or my legs.
I can mask in short bursts e.g. during an interview but I cannot do it long-term. Because of my academic achievements and because I can come across as very articulate in an interview, I think employers assume me to be a lot more capable than I actually am. I have always wanted to work and I have always wanted to work in education specifically. I graduated university in 2022. My first job was as a Teaching Assistant in a Primary School. It was a nightmare. The class teacher clearly disliked me and found me frustrating to work with. I didn't realise how much my conditions would affect my ability to function in the role, especially my dyspraxia- I struggled with basic tasks such as printing, photocopying, even turning locks in doors (yes really, I really struggle with keys and locks!). I took instructions too literally, didn't take initiative, didn't find the right balance between being overbearing and too passive. Six months in I got a disciplinary for leaving work without permission due to being overwhelmed (which I know was out of order and I deserved the disciplinary). The only thing I was praised for was that I was good with the children and formed good relationships with them. I was also very good at data stuff such as inputting assessment data where I could work alone with no teamwork pressures.
I left at the end of the academic year and did a PGCE in Primary Education. I got through the year and my placements but I don't think it properly prepared me for managing my own class. I performed okay on placement because I had a lot of support. Again, I was good at building relationships with the children and I was good at planning lessons. But I struggled with things like interpersonal relationships and managing situations I hadn't planned for. But I got through it with a Merit. I then tried my hand at a teaching job last year. I lasted one half-term. I was good with the kids but couldn't manage behaviour effectively, couldn't multitask to cut down my workload (I was completely unable to do things like live marking or deal with behaviour whilst teaching), couldn't make small talk or engage with colleagues, didn't pick up on unwritten expectations, wasn't marking the books properly etc. I was completely drained and after a half-term I ended up going on sick leave. It was an awful period- I ended up being placed on antidepressants to try and stabilise me and I was unable to leave my house for weeks on end. I didn't have face-to-face contact with other people for weeks on end. I was that bad at the job that the school decided to end my employment there and then and they paid me in lieu until the Christmas holidays. I was then unemployed for three months (October to January). In my exit interview the school mentioned that they were concerned I couldn't multitask or prioritise tasks appropriately, that I was needing more support than normal and it was adding to other people's workloads and that staff perceived me as unfriendly and the TAs didn't like working with me because I wasn't good at directing them.
As you can imagine, there was no way I was going to try out teaching again. I recently got a job as a TA (again). I'm doing okay but I'm not convinced this job is going to last either. I disclosed my conditions at interview. My colleagues have been getting visibly frustrated with me as I can't do things like turn keys quickly (and when they interject to try and help me, it makes it worse as I get stressed), remember the various door codes or manage playground transitions well as it involves multitasking (ensuring all the kids are behind me, the other TA is behind me, all the kids are catching up and staying together etc) and I'm not very good at taking initiative. I really do try but I sometimes miss the mark or don't do something that they seem to think is obvious. I even struggle with things like ensuring the children's shoes are on the right feet (I can tell if I'm putting shoes on myself but not someone else). And of course, being in a school is very stimulating in general. I don't make small talk or engage in social functions or go in the staff room. I also sometimes say the wrong thing because I'm focused on the wrong thing- for example one of the children was having a meltdown a few days ago during snack time. The teacher was trying to settle them and I asked the teacher if that child wanted a snack that I was preparing. The teacher snapped at me because they were trying to stop the child hurting themselves and I can understand why when I think about it but it just didn't occur to me at the time because I was so focused on getting the snacks ready. I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm constantly falling short of expectations and it frustrates me and depresses me tbh because I know I'm coming across as completely incompetent.
I've been looking at other jobs and I've found jobs in local government that involve working in an office environment but still in education helping out with school admissions and things like that. But the problem is that it's an apprenticeship. I'm thinking that on the one hand a 25 year old with a first class degree shouldn't be applying for apprenticeships but I also know that I cannot handle a high-pressure graduate job. And of course, there is the issue of money. An apprenticeship wage is low and I'm not sure I could survive on it. I can't move back to my parents house as our relationship isn't exactly great and they have made it clear I cannot move back home again. I don't receive any benefits or financial help. I've considered applying for PIP but I'm not sure I'd be eligible because on paper I function by living alone and working etc and tbh the idea of calling them to start the claim fills me with enormous anxiety. But the positives of the job are very generous annual leave entitlements to help me manage burnout and the possibility of remote working. And as an apprentice I assume I would be given the time to learn the job and not held to the same expectations as a non-apprentice?
I have no idea what to do and I'm so frustrated tbh. I didn't cope in mainstream education either and was expelled at 14 before returning to sixth form after self-studying GCSEs at 17. But the problem with work is that I have to work. I have no choice. I feel like I should have achieved far more than what I have and I shouldn't be looking at apprenticeships as a 25yo with a degree because it's unfair on the young people apprenticeships are aimed at. I just seem to jinx every job I have because I come across as strange and inept. I would actually love to be a dog walker or something but I can't drive and am unlikely to ever be able to drive (four instructors gave up on me) so that's out of the question too.