This is weird and I'm not sure I can even articulate it. I'm undiagnosed but other close family members are; it looks too difficult and I'm not sure what help I would need? I get on OK in life tbf. I def do special interests and masking and ADHD traits too.
But, I feel like I always take into account an audience that doesn't exist when I'm decisionmaking about Life. It's not about what society thinks, it's about whether this is 'on brand'. It's as though I'm an influencer and I have to think about being consistent on my socials. Except I'm not!!!
Eg: got a few special interests and spent yesterday doing a deep dive on one, just loving looking at all the associated artwork online, planning to buy a few pieces and I get this comfort from thinking 'ahhh, THIS is me, being really into this, loving the art, great.' Nice relaxing day, being consistent and on brand, keeping the audience happy 🤣.
This morning though, youtube sent me a beautiful film of one of my other interests which I havent done for a while and it was PERFECTION and the ADHD magpie brain wants to go down that route again. But then I start fretting, I feel like I just got settled into my identity with the other thing and this one muddies the message for my invisible audience and if I want to do the old thing again, I need to purge the other from my life or this nonexistent audience will get confused. Confusion must be avoided! So I start mentally creating this whole new life/ID for myself all over again 🤨
And I'm annoyed. I cant stop taking this 'audience' into account even though consciously I know its ridiculous, you can have more than one hobby. I'm not an influencer so theres no brand. Why cant i just enjoy myself and not analyse it???
Anyone else, or just book myself into the funny farm now?