Being ‘perceived’

[lllpyt]

I saw a video yesterday about a woman elaborating on something she had read about people with ADHD/Autism being uncomfortable being perceived by others and was looking to hear what others think.

I personally cannot agree hard enough about this and I think it’s why I’m a homebody to the point of really only going out if I have to. My default position is at home. I feel so uncomfortable basically doing anything, anywhere - walking round Tesco, going through the airport, even walking down my street, sitting on a train, at work in previous jobs (not so much now due to very different office vibe) but honestly just everywhere. The only place I am fully comfortable and able to feel relaxed and at peace is my home.

Do others feel this way too?

In fact I have to add that in some parts of my home I do not feel comfortable and relaxed because I can be seen from outside. So only really when the curtains are closed can I go ‘ahhhhh’ and relax.

Yes I absolutely hate being perceived! I didn't understand that's what it was until I was diagnosed, but have always hated the feeling that I could be watched or seen. It's awful. I feel slightly better when I can wear a hat / cap / sunglasses to hide myself a little. I hate pulling up outside my house, walking down my own street, standing awkwardly in an exercise class waiting for it to begin, the list goes on!

Ahh yes! Getting out the car when you get home.

I’ve got a piece of furniture I want to paint but having to have my garage open while I’m doing it and people seeing me is putting me right off.

Yes, everything you said except I'm ok in my house with curtains open. I tried thinking recently about why I sometimes even get a pang of fear/anxiety if someone so much as walks near me, even when I'm otherwise in a good mood. It reminds me that I'm being seen and not in the lovely bubble in my head... I think it's the idea that because they can see me they might want to interact with me and I don't want them to and any interaction has the potential to go 'wrong' because it might come across as abnormal and I don't want to suffer the awkwardness.

That makes a lot of sense.

I’ve been trying to understand it too.

I wonder if part of it is due to the low self confidence that we tend to have as ND people.

@lllpyt yes, probably. But it's hardly irrational when people have been reacting badly to us our entire lives in ways that don't really make sense.

I have been seeing this come up a lot recently too and wondered about it.

I also wonder if it's to do with bad experiences maybe at school? Because if I was just doing my own thing then people invariably found it hilarious/weird and it made me really self-conscious, like I have to be on my guard all the time and if someone sees what I'm doing they'll laugh at me. Which is bizarre, isn't it? As an adult? I should be able to have whatever hobby or interest I want and not be worried about people laughing at me.

Did you have the thing where people would pretend to be innocently interested just so you could spout your (presumably wrong) answer and then they could all burst out laughing or mock your wrong answer forever?

I would say that I can be my weird self with DH, and I can mostly, but I still cringe massively at the thought he might know what book I am reading, what TV programme I'm watching, or what threads I'm staying up until midnight reading on MN! And I won't clean in front of him. I can't understand the concept of body doubling at all, because that sounds like the worst thing ever.

And it's weirdly specific as well - like with the book one, it's not all books that I would be embarrassed about. I don't mean I'm reading smut or something that would be understandable to be embarrassed about.

On MN I'm some kind of car seat guru and everyone knows it and I don't mind. But IRL if I ever mention that it's a topic I'm interested in, I'm embarrassed and play it down because people don't really understand it. It's like it's acceptable on the internet to be that person and IRL interactions are different.

I sometimes wonder if it's more of an extremely online thing than a ND thing, although clearly a huge overlap with ND.

@BertieBotts I definitely had the thing with people pretending to ask an innocent question when it was anything but, at school but also for decades after. Once I'd got wise to it I'd try not to answer or sometimes give what I thought would be a more "normal" response, but not answering would have me labelled as rude and of course people could see right through my attempts at deflection.

I also often hate being asked what I'm reading, which was difficult at times as I used to be an avid reader. As you said, it can depend on who's asking and on what the book is. To me reading is a very personal thing and I guess I feared my choice would give away something essential about me to people I perhaps didn't trust, or what's more likely just make me seem even more odd than they already thought. It feels like someone's enquiring about what underwear I have on.

Body doubling...yep, that's a big no from me too. I know it helps many people but to me it sounds ghastly, like I'd be under a microscope or have someone surgically attached to me. It definitely wouldn't help me get anything done.

Ah. Well, that explains that then! It might also explain why I was always a lights off person far more than was probably normal. I don't particularly like to see myself either.

It drains my batteries. I do it, but cant wait to get home and hide. Think its because im just default masking pretending to be a human whenever the humans are watching 🤣

Wait, so being perceived is that general awkward and I comfortable feeling I get walking anywhere, or when my mum comes to visit, or the reason I can't step outside if a neighbour is out there at the same time?

I walk weirdly when people are around, it's like my whole body tenses up and I'm telling myself to just 'be normal' but it never happens. I also get the feeling everyone is watching me - not in a paranoid way, just the fact everyone can see me and my flaws is 😱

Is that it?

The realisation that I'm probably neurodivergent has hit me recently like a tonne of bricks and this thread is helping me piece together the jigsaw pieces. I've just had flashbacks of being in school and being laughed at for my walk and some of my physical mannerisms, like the way I used to move my shoulders when stressed (possibly an unconscious tic?).
What a PP said about feeling vulnerable and exposed when asked what I'm reading is relatable too. Like I'm being violated or something! I've never expressed this before.
There's loads more about being perceived too - thanks for helping me feel less alone.

@Sendmetobarbados It can hit you like that, can't it? I remember the exact moment when I thought, oh my God, that explains so much about my life.

It was an MN thread about autism and menopause, referencing an article titled "When my autism broke", which examined how the wheels often come off for ND women at that time, leading if they're fortunate to an understanding of how neurodivergence has shaped their lives.

I'd already read a bit about neurodivergence and I guess subconsciously I must've guided myself towards doing so, but it was reading that thread that made the penny drop. That was just over two years ago now.

Good luck with your own self-exploration.

Thank you, that's a great description. Funnily enough, the penny has dropped for me since coming off birth control and then starting HRT. So some element of hormonal shift has also shifted my perception of my own neurotype (if that's the word) over the decades.
My daughter is autistic but as she presents with learning needs and also has a rare genetic condition (that we were told hadn't been passed on from us as parents) I hadn't ever stopped to consider that I might share her neurodivergence.
It's great to find these boards as all a little overwhelming to process and difficult to talk to people in 'real life'. So much is starting to make sense!

@Sendmetobarbados This board is good but can be quiet. Sometimes certain threads gain traction after a few days, suddenly attracting replies, so don't be put off if something you post seems to just go into the ether...chances are it has been read by a number of people.

Thanks, noted!

I don’t know how I missed these replies!

Will catch up after work.

Being perceived isn't a term for the awkward feeling. It's a literal description -someone perceiving you is seeing you or being aware of your existence.

It seems to be a particular term which has come into discussion online I think because it's been linked with a stage in child development around age 4 where some children get very angry and tell parents, siblings etc not to look at them. It's because developmentally, they've just become aware of other people's perception ie that they are being perceived (noticed, observed) by others, rather than other people just magically knowing what the child knows, and for some children that comes as an unpleasant shock. (I think my 6yo is still going through this. He is ND though.)

So the discomfort in autistic adults is being discussed in similar terms, and because obviously we're adults and not children we can talk about how it feels from the inside if that makes sense.

Yes I find it a bit of a strange term but I suppose it does fit because it’s about more than being seen isn’t it?

I know this is a few months old but yes I am like this too. I'm not diagnosed with ADHD/ASD but I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder previously.

Yes awaiting assessment.
I'm conscious of being seen and perceived.
Last year I went on a train for the first time in decades and it was quiet.
I could sit back and barely be seen by passengers further on.
Because of my anxiety I don't want others to perceive me.
I'm the same about eating out and hardly ever have.
I don't like my DH to watch Me eat either.
When I get home I often pull my bedroom blind down so I can be ugly in peace.🤣

Sorry not been back to this thread. It’s somewhat comforting to know others feel the same.

I’ve just this minute come upstairs because I can’t bear (bare?) the thought of the neighbours maybe seeing me lying on the couch reading in my Oodie.

Just found this and I totally identify and have felt like this all my life.
My front garden is a mess because I avoid going out there to do it!