Struggle to find anybody compatible for a relationship?

[ByAquaBee]

I'm 31F. I had one "serious" relationship as in not casual that was from 19-22 (met at Uni). Since then I've had a casual 3 year thing where I wasn't really into the guy as we were just too incompatible in terms of personality/temperament etc but it was lockdown and it was that or no social contact for me. I'm grateful for the relationships I have had, but in between these times I've struggled to find any man who I feel compatible with where everything else aligns for us to date.

If I meet people I click with in the wild, it's usually a temporary encounter for one reason or another and I never see them again. Or they are already in a relationship.

OLD has given me mostly disappointment after disappointment. I've met over 50 guys and only one casual relationship out of it. Typically even when I meet men where the attraction is mutual they end up having avoidant attachment issues or just ghosting/fading after expressing how enthusiastic they are to see me again and/or how attractive they find me.

I feel like being autistic/ADHD I'm only personality compatible with a small proportion of the population anyway as more normal people are just going to find me too quirky. Add on to that that my interests are very intellectual (please don't have a go at me for bragging but like lots of ND women I went to Oxbridge), and I only really feel compatible with men who are intelligent. All in all, I just feel like the odds for me are astronomically low for finding a compatible partner.

I read so many posts on here of people finding their partner either through OLD or something else and I just wonder how different they must be to me, and how that makes their odds of success in these areas so much more likely?

Has anybody else had similar struggles in finding a compatible partner? Where did you find them? Did you face many years being single as well?

I feel like being autistic/ADHD I'm only personality compatible with a small proportion of the population anyway as more normal people are just going to find me too quirky. Add on to that that my interests are very intellectual (please don't have a go at me for bragging but like lots of ND women I went to Oxbridge), and I only really feel compatible with men who are intelligent. All in all, I just feel like the odds for me are astronomically low for finding a compatible partner.

Unless your bar is on the floor, it’s difficult for everyone. I don’t think your problem is being too quirky. Your problem is thinking you’re too quirky. Everyone is quirky in their own way. If you can’t get on with someone it’s because you’re not on the same wavelength, not because you’re too quirky. Unless of course your ‘quirk’ is something truly bizarre, like you absolutely must have company while pooping, which may make your choices considerably narrower.

As for seeking intelligence, nothing wrong with that. Just don’t discount those who are intelligent in ways other than going to a top uni. Keep an open mind.

I see so many posts from women on here bemoaning their time on OLD. It’s a hell whether you’re NT or ND.

As for my personal experience, it took me until age 33 before I found a compatible partner. We will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this year. In my case, he is very easy going so we can get along very well. We met online discussing our mutual hobby and just clicked. He is NT by the way.

I get that it's difficult for everyone but I know multiple people who met their person through OLD after far less dates than 50+. Think less than 10.

By quirky I just mean far from average in many ways. E.g. I am an intellectual but also from a very working class background and so I will meet well educated men and just not click because we don't have the same sense of humour for instance due to that class difference. Most of the men I see online dating are cookie cutter types or just people who I find utterly bland - the same few interests and hobbies. Now maybe this is where I am being too narrow minded/picky/judgmental as I'm sure if I met some of these irl attraction might develop anyway?

When I saw my DH’s OLD profile, it was beyond 😴 😪 There is a 0% chance I would have written to him if that is all I had seen. Barely anything written, and what was written was shockingly bland. His photos made him look like a buffoon, but the reality is totally different. We can talk for ages and he is really funny and also strange in his own way.

Are some men writing you and you’re dismissing them without talking with them based on a bland profile? If that’s the case then you may be weeding out some good ones. However based on your dating track record, my advice is don’t jump to the IRL phase straight away without chatting online a decent amount first to gauge their personality and how you get on. If you struggle to talk, or they say something lame like ‘let’s save this for the date so we don’t run out of things to talk about’ or some other way of getting out of having a conversation before jumping straight to the date, SKIP. These will be duds.

Meeting over 50 guys seems pretty good going. The issue at this age is that guys in their 30s are focused on their careers if they haven't met a partner yet and tend to be quite picky. Not really sure what the answer is but meeting people in person through hobbies can be a safer bet.

This means thinking about mixed gender activities that might be on the edges of your interests but tick some kind of skill that is useful now or in the future. I've quite enjoyed public speaking clubs and the people there tend to be what you would think of as intelligent. In fact I'm sure 80% of folk at the one I went to had some kind of neurodivergence but recognised the need to practise communication.