Newly diagnosed DS - how do I parent a child with autism?

[Anyideashowtodealwiththis]

My DS (11) has just been diagnosed with autism. I would never have guessed, but he was tested following an ADHD diagnosis earlier in the year.

It makes a lot of sense now. He has always been very defiant, loses his temper and can be difficult to move from one activity to the next. But I’d always assumed it was part of the ADHD.

I’ve tried to adapt my parenting style to deal with his ADHD, but I have no idea how to cope with the autism.

lots of books are aimed at children with more obvious symptoms, but my DS’s symptoms seem a lot more subtle. He never had any developmental delays, academically bright, has lots of school friends, never obsessive about toys, nor any stimming behaviours until very recently.

he is very talkative, popular and regarded as the class clown.

however, he does find it difficult to read social situations. Something that is becoming more apparent as his friends settle down and mature. He seems much younger than his peers in many ways.

but I don’t know how to support him. Can anyone recommend any books on how to help children with mild autism that mainly affects their social skills? Or offer any parenting strategies?

The Green Zone is an excellent resource for explaining how conversation and common interests work if that is becoming an issue as he grows up.

Thanks @Saucery I will look that up.

Explain the stuff you do automatically regarding social rules.

I found the book Smart But Scattered quite good for organisational strategies.

DD also had some play therapy when she was 8 or 9. It helped us understand what was going on a bit (her issues are more on the SEMH side).

With older children watching some reality TV shows is really useful as you naturally chat about people's behaviour (even if you think it's all drivel) Traitors and the first season of Big Brother was useful although DD didn't like the second one as much.

Is he actually a class clown or does he not really understand why what he is doing is seen as funny/disruptive.

DD is highly academic and it's easy to forget that she has struggles and actually finds something's you'd expect her to find easy really difficult. You have to remember academic ability is just that academic. She had a WISC V done too which showed her Processing and Working memory to be slightly behind her other skills which makes a lot of sense. Instead of verbally giving her a list of chores, I 'submit' them in writing via WhatsApp which helps massively.

We carefully plan in breaks and quiet times. Generally we go with she can cope with doing things during two out of three sessions Morning, Afternoon and evening, stretching to three is challenging and she needs the downtime to really enjoy herself. School obviously wipes out things Mon-Fri but she coped far better before High School. We book travel days when on a trip to London with nothing else really planned that day, and book somewhere central so we can nip back to the room for tea and a break.

She jokes that plans out if the ordinary needs submitting 3 days in advance, in writing and there is a grain of truth in that. She doesn't mind of plans change and something is removed, but if something is added and she's not psyched up for it she struggles.

Find out where quiet rooms are if you visit venues, I never thought we'd need them but DD found them useful in Tate Modern and IWM.

DD struggles with noise so noise cancelling headphones are a life saver. We go to the theatre alot, the loud meaningful noise of a show is fine, the chatter of the audience in the interval is fine but it's if I try and talk to her over the chatter that she struggles as she finds it difficult to filter the noise.

DD becomes 'more' autistic when under the weather, everything seems to hit her harder and her coping level reduces and this is when she tends to have panic attacks / lots of tears / shutdowns. Generally we nip things in the bud before we get to meltdown level and these are extremely rare although she finds them incredibly embarrassing as she loses control and feels like a toddler having a tantrum when actually she's incredibly mature, Head Girl at school etc.

TV is a good suggestion.

DD watched the whole of The Dumping Ground and all the spin offs (BBC) as though it were a documentary. There's so much overt emotion that I think she found it helpful. And Tracy Beaker is explosive, which she related to.

It's a good opportunity to say "Why do you think she's upset?" / "What would you do if...?"

Plus no swearing.

There's no singular way because their needs are very diverse. I did put firm boundaries in place because she needed them, I also had high expectations of fitting into mainstream society. My dd was diagnosed at 2 so we needed to try to get her to fit with mainstream society, it wasn't a given that she would even talk (nearly 4 before gaining language). I believe my approach worked in our specific situation as she's now an independent adult