AIBU with my self diagnosed Sister?

[ForPlumDreamer]

She told me she’s autistic and I told her she wasn’t and not to listen to social media advice about what autism is because everyone I know atm think they are neurodivergent and she clearly isn’t.

I think I reacted that way because I am autistic.

I am repressing it as jumping on the trend isn’t me at all.. and sharing and being that open and honest doesn’t sit well with me.

We’re close in age and I spent my youth just observing her instead of doing my own thing, she’d have friends over and I’d just sit and watch, I wouldn’t ever know how to join in, I’ve never ever played a video game myself, but I watched her play them for years, which is the best way to describe it.

So, I think I’ve grown up with her as my role model of how to be normal and I’ve really got a good grip on that now. So for her to tell me she’s autistic throws my sense of self into chaos too, and how can I keep on masking and being my painted self to her if she lowers her mask? I can’t understand how that would work and I know it’s crazy and selfish but I would want her to keep that mask to maintain our relationship as it is.

I was so rude though and I tried to apologise while also keeping my stance that I don’t think she is. Because I don’t think that she is. But how can I know that when I know I am and she doesn’t know ?

Please help me out of this pit of my own making. I’m just hoping she realises she isn’t and doesn’t notice I am and we carry on as before.

My paranoia about what she thinks of me atm is through the roof, and I’m desperate to tell her I back her 100% so she doesn’t think I’m awful, but I also don’t want her to have more validation where it’s not needed??

how do you know shes not?

Could she have also been masking, girls can often mask extremely well.

Why on earth do you think you know whether she is or isn’t autistic? It presents very differently in different people.

And even is she turns out to not be ASC, she’s clearly been struggling with some things.

whether or not she is ASC you are reacting to this news because it is impacting your sense of self.

If you can find it in yourself apologise to her and tell her that her sharing that has made your sense of self wobble a bit.

Because I don’t think that she is. But how can I know that when I know I am and she doesn’t know ?

Are you saying she doesn’t know you’re autistic?

If you can mask so she doesn’t know you are, couldn’t she have masked growing up too?

Neither of you appear to have been assessed or diagnosed though, or have you been diagnosed in secret?

Autism is genetic. If you have it, then it's highly likely she has it too, and at least one, if not both, of your parents are also autistic.

It's not a competition. You can both be autistic.

How old are you both?

Are you officially diagnosed? Why do you not feel able to tell her you are autistic?

Why does she think she is autistic?

I know it can be hard watching other people jump on the bandwagon but it is also possible she is struggling too.

You've been quite unkind to your sister. You are not the arbiter of who is or isn't autistic. I have ADHD, my sister thinks she has ADHD. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. It's not for me to say.

Perhaps try apologising without saying she's not autistic because you've decided she isn't.

Edit to add - OP, do you have a formal diagnosis yourself? I assumed on first read that you did but now realise that may not be the case.

If you are diagnosed autistic the chances are she is too but just presenting in a different way.

DD has lots of friends and they are always around ours or she at theirs, they are all ND or have other conditions are incredibly supportive. ND people tend to get on well with each other. It's a shame you didn't have friends but the fact that she did doesn't mean she's not autistic, just means she found her tribe and you didn't.

The fact that everyone you know are claiming to be NDaywell be that you have found your tribe now and it stands to reason (often following a child diagnosis) tha those people are also recognizing traits in themselves.

HPandthelastwish
"If you are diagnosed autistic the chances are she is too but just presenting in a different way" - chances based on what exactly?

"ND people tend to get on well with each other" - some do, some dont. As with non ND people.
Biggest load of tosh Ive read today.

@Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen I assumed the poster meant that there's increasing evidence of a strong genetic component to autism so if the op has autism then there is a degree of likelihood that her sister will too.

I’ve had quite a few people announce they’ve got autism or ADHD in the last couple of years. One processing delay. One PTSD. All self diagnosed except one who paid for a ADHD diagnosis. Just smile and nod. Talk about it if you want. People are interested in themselves and exploring who they are.

The checkout woman at the supermarket yesterday told me she had ADHD in our two minute interaction!

Autistic women don’t all have the same personality or face the same struggles.

Some are reserved, some never stop talking. Some have no friends, some manage to cling to the periphery of groups if they’re lucky, some manage to find their own tribe of friends like them.

Talk about lack of self awareness

How do you know she’s not? She may be or may not be but only an official assessment will give the answers. If don’t think your view on her childhood means she isn’t, I’m ASD and I had friends round to play when I was a child and played video games. It often presents differently to stereotypes in females and I mask well. Having ASD doesn’t mean you can’t have friends. I think you need to apologize to her and support her through diagnoses process if that’s what she wants.

I know it’s crazy and selfish but I would want her to keep that mask to maintain our relationship as it is.

Well as long as you know it's crazy and selfish, the rest will be about you working on NOT diagnosing your sister as NT when presumably you have zero professional qualifications to do so?

I can understand how this could be distressing for you, especially as it sounds like you think this means your sister will change.

I would say that if your sister is autistic she has always then been autistic. Yes she may have been masking a lot, but at the core she is still the same person. She just may now be able to be more honest about how she experiences the world and stop hiding various differences. Which may mean she becomes more comfortable. It doesn't mean she will suddenly become someone else.

I think you already know that you saying she isn't autistic won't make her any less or more autistic. It would probably be better for your relationship if you are supportive as she explodes this. You may also find out things that bring you closer.

I'm wondering if she has AuDHD which is why it has been missed, and she presents very differently to you.

If you think she's just trying to one-up you, I would just either grey rock or ask her how the diagnosis pathway is going. Does she know about Right to Choose?

Maybe this is the push you need to get your own diagnosis?